Hungry for More: My First Daniel Fast

Why I Decided To Fast

The Daniel Fast

Warm, golden brown buttermilk biscuits. Caramel colored, thick, brown molasses. Yellow, fluffy scrambled eggs. The rich smell of Maxwell coffee. During the summer in Mississippi, I loved waking up to these aromas. I knew that down the hall my great grandmother, affectionately called Mother, would be waiting for me at the table. We would sop our biscuits in the thick molasses syrup, sip on piping hot coffee, and savor eat bite. I don't recall if we had any monumental conversations on the mornings she took the extra time to make homemade breakfast, but I do remember how warm, loved, and desired I felt.

Over the course of my life, food would come to soothe a variety of emotions; sadness, happiness, guilt, depression, shame, and loneliness. Food was at the heart of every big event in my Southern life. Since my birthday is on the Fourth of July, my birthdays were full of food; barbecues, cakes, soul food, and later in life any restaurant my stomach desired.  In my adult life, food became a way to reward myself for a job well done at work, a long week, or an exhausting day.

Food took on a different meaning when I became homeless last year. I often remember the days I had no money for food. How I'd swipe my debit card praying it went through so I could savor a Wendy's 4 for 4 to mask the fact I had no place to call my own.

Now that I am employed, and living in my own place, food has become a source of pride and honor for me. To be able to buy my own food without government assistance, or a food pantry or shelter has felt so empowering. So empowering I have found myself constantly thinking of my next meal. I've accepted every left over plate, every cake, every free coffee because it feels so good to no have to stress over nourishment.

Lately, though I've been longing, hungry for something food can not fill. Freedom from shame. Acceptance of my past. Courage to move forward into my future. In reading the Bible, I've read how a lot of prophets fast when they are faced with a big decision or are uncertain about where God is going to take them. So when my friend Shirley suggested the Daniel Fast, I was curious. The Daniel Fast is fashioned after the what Daniel ate in captivity. He ate food from pulse or seed, and water. Daniel refused to eat the food given to him by the king that was holding him captive because it was blessed by false gods. I am following the Daniel Fast plan by Susan Gregory go to www.daniel-fast.com for more details.

When Shirley first suggested the fast, I thought there was no way I could diet like that for 21 days. The Daniel Fast does not allow for sugar, caffeine or processed foods which are my favorite comfort foods. Something stirred in my spirit the more I thought about fasting. I had researched how so many people felt closer to God, focused, and clear about which direction they should take. Friends even told me the powerful changes that happened to them through prayer and fasting. So I've decided to make the leap. I am now on day 2 of my Daniel Fast.

God has blessed me so much throughout my wilderness, and the more He restores me the more He is able to use me. I am hungry for a closeness of God that I have never experienced before. I am hungry for His direction and calling. That is a thirst that no drink or food can quench.

I'll be charting the journey of my Daniel Fast on my blog every Sunday through the month of January.

The Best Christmas Gifts Ever

The Best Christmas Ever: What's Under the Tree.

I was extremely blessed to have some amazing gift filled Christmases when I was younger.Both of my parents grew up poor so they spared no expense making sure my siblings and I had what our hearts desired. I can recall all the hours my step-brother and I spent trying out our new Sega Genesis', Nintendo 64, or Playstation. We grew up in the golden age of gaming so I have many memories of Mario Go-Kart tournaments, and Sonic the Hedgehog journeys. The Christmas I got the 'Crazy, Sexy, Cool' album by TLC was one for the books. I remember how confidently I was playing  the new CD and reciting the very mature, naughty lyrics to my friend Pam down the street. Christmas' rocked in my house as a kid. But, as much I remember the holidays where gifts were awesome and cheer was high; I also remember the holidays that weren't. 

The Gifts of Christmas Past

As much as my parents rocked at holiday gift giving one year they completely missed the mark, and the feelings it stirred in all of us is something I never want to feel again on such a joyous occasion.  It was Christmas, early nineties maybe. The whole family ceremoniously came downstairs for the opening of gifts. Gifts of all colors, sizes, and shapes covered sat beneath the Christmas tree. My step-brother's little hands began tearing into the gifts with his name scribbled on the front.  The first present he opened was a basketball hoop. It was the kind you hung on the back of your bedroom door to practice free throws. I smiled. That's cute I thought. My step-brother huffed and tossed the basketball hoop and wrapping aside. His eagerly started in on his next gift. After tearing through layers of wrapping paper he discovered, a football. Much like his reaction to the basketball hoop, he tossed the gift and keep going. Within minutes, my step-brother uncovered a foam baseball bat, a baseball, and a ton of disappointment. After everyone had opened their gifts, we look at my step-brother who at this point was pouting. 

"You don't like your gifts?" my step-father asked.

My little brother stomped his feet. Tears were welling up in his eyes. I wasn't sure what to do, laugh out of sibling rivalry, hug him, or hug my step-dad. I knew my parents had worked hard to buy those gifts, but I also understood my step-brother wanted video games. At the time he was no jock and had little use for the athletic dreams my stepfather seemed to be hoping for through those gifts. Time lingered. Moments like that made my parents hang their heads in shame at us. Us, ungrateful, rich, spoiled, entitled kids who had no real clue of what real disappointment actually felt like. The disappointment of no gifts under the tree, no father to nod at his kids loving, or superficial holiday cheer we had become accustom to. My step-brother did not know that then and neither did I. All I did know was that Christmas sucked.

When I started earning my own money as a teenager, I wanted desperately to somehow show my parents that I appreciated their hard work, their generosity, and our good home. So one of the first Christmases I could afford to buy my family gifts I stressed over getting the right things.  I hoped that with the right gift I could have a Hallmark moment with my family Christmas day. You know the moments where someone opens a gift you gave them and they cry from the sheer awesomeness of it? I wanted that. I didn't have a lot of money so most of my gifts came from the Dollar Tree or the discount section in the mall, but I had hoped the thought would make up for the cheapness. 

After pacing the mall stores for an hour, I stumbled upon a clever sign I thought would make my mom laugh. The sign said very simply, "Think" in bold, capital letters. My mother was one of those  funny, witty type of people, and whenever we said something stupid she'd always point at our head and say, "Think." As I took the sign down from the store wall, I imagined how she'd hang it up and get a laugh every time she saw it.

Christmas Day when it was my turn to give her the gift, excited bubbled in my stomach. "Here you'll like this. You're always saying this. Now all you have to do it point at it when we say something silly," I said handing her my poorly wrapped surprise.

She smiled, and opened the present slowly. When the wrapping paper was gone and my little sign rested in her hands, she looked confused. I saw her eyebrows squint, and said  "Hmm."  

"Don't you get it? You're always telling us to "THINK" Now you can just point at the sign," I said trying to contain my laughter. She smiled, and said thanks. She placed the gift to her side and kept opening presents. We all moved on to other gifts, and other things that evening. There was no Hallmark moment, or tears. In fact, I feel like I a failure. I was ashamed that after all the stuff my mother had given me I managed to give her a lame sign. After that Christmas gift giving with my family felt more than work than holiday joy. This expectation of the perfect holiday moment like those Hallmark movies portray did not come that holiday. I never saw that sign hung up anywhere in the house, ever. 

The Gifts of Christmas Present

This year there were no holiday decorations, or tree downstairs. No tree with gifts stuffed under a tree, no smells of holiday cooking. It was me, my apartment, my restored friendships, my new beginning, my healing, my peace, my joy. And, I almost cried at the sheer joy of those kinds of gifts. The best presents ever. I am living in one of my greatest Christmas gifts; a studio apartment in a cool, part of town, with quiet neighbors thanks to a gracious friend. I went to church today and fought  back tears.

"God is this what joy feels like?" I asked in a silent prayer at church. So many years as a kid I thought Christmas meant physical gifts, the things my boyfriends, my parents, or siblings bought me. And, so many times those gifts didn't produce the feelings of joy or happiness I had hoped for. Here I am starting my life over, and I feel more blessed than I have any Christmas in my life.

What if the real gifts are the time we give, the love we share, or the comfort we provide? I received all these gifts and more this holiday. This past weekend I got to see beautiful sunrises in Corolla, North Carolina with an old television friend. And the gift of our renewed friendship is one of my greatest joys this year. The perfume from a peer who celebrates every goal I've reached this year. The gift of time spent with my "keep it real" friend Tara. The gift of comfort God sent my way through friends like Miss Sunshine. The gift of therapy that is pushing me to confront past, and live in my present. The spiritual gifts I am realizing in myself, and the joy I feel sharing it with others. My greatest gift a relationship with Christ in a way I never knew possible. The real, intimate, personal kind of relationship I thought was only good for super, saved, perfect church folks. God showed me in the wilderness that He loves broken people like me. That even in brokenness He has plans for good, plans for a future, plans to prosper.

Sunrise in Corolla

Renewed friendship

"I will rebuild you, and you will dance again." - Jeremiah 31:4 

Next year, I plan to take even bigger steps of faith to living fully alive; a baptism for re-dedication, the bravery to complete my book, the boldness to speak my truth, and the heart to help God's people in amazing, supernatural ways. 

This is indeed 'The Best Christmas Ever

Local Running Community Helps Former Homeless Reporter

If I were still a news reporter, this would be the headline to a story of how a local running community brought Christmas early to a former homeless t.v. journalist.

When I was a television reporter the holiday season lent itself to tell amazing stories of people's generosity and compassion. One Christmas when I was working as a rookie reporter in Lynchburg, Virginia I did a story on neighbors who ran in a burning home to alert a sleeping family to the dangerous flames. One Thanksgiving as a reporter in Hampton Roads, I did a story on a woman I met in a hair salon who made dinners and gifts for dozens of homeless people at the Oceanfront. I loved telling those stories. They reminded me that there are good people in the world, and the simple act of compassion to your fellow man can be life changing. I never imagined that I would be on the receiving of this kind of love, and generosity. That changed this weekend thanks to a local running community in Virginia Beach.

Tara and I at one of my speeches

If you follow this blog, then you know I've been homeless for over a year. Thankfully due to a lot of prayers and a very generous friend I moved into my apartment this past weekend. Last year when I had to sell my beautiful two bedroom, two bath condo to prevent foreclosure I had to part with everything; furniture, clothes, plate ware. All I have is now is small storage space filled with pictures, memories, VHS tapes I can't part with, and journals I hope to turn into books one day. 

My friend Tara offered to post on her Facebook page about my season of homelessness and lack of

furnishings to see if anyone could donate a few items. I agreed, and what happened next blew my mind. Within minutes of the Facebook post Tara's friends from all over Hampton Roads, one even as far as Spain offered their help. My phone was pinging almost every 10 minutes with someone else posting how they could give. It didn't take long for this community to offer a couch, a memory foam, running shoes, money, silver ware, lamps, bedding, pillow cases.... the list goes on. More than these tangible items this running community, renewed me hope that my life is worth fighting for, that living independently again is going to be OK, and that God has tremendous plans for my life. I can see it daily now, because He keeps sending compassionate, and loving people to help me get back on my feet. Their generosity has also reminded me that even though times are tough in our country; love is still present. 

I will never forget this feeling. I've been thinking about a way to repay all these awesome people. I think the best repayment will be striving to live my best life, and finding opportunities to pay it forward to someone else.

I am also thankful for the amazing new friendship with Tara who helped put all of this in motion. The first time we had breakfast and shared our stories I instantly felt safe and connected with her. The past three years have tarnished what I believed about friendships. Friends I thought I would grow old with hurt me in the worse ways, and so many times friends took advantage of my vulnerability. Everyday, through people like Tara God is showing me what real friendships look like. Friends are the people who walk in when the world walks out, who love you in the valleys and the peaks. Thank you Tara. The fact that so many of your friends gave this way is a testament to you just how awesome you are.

I can't wait to put all the donated items in my new apartment. My home will be filled with love because people furnished it from their hearts. I am immensely grateful. 

Thank you for giving me the best Christmas gifts ever! A Christmas where a running community showed a former homeless tv reporter that love is real.

#LOLOSLOVELIFE: SINGLE NO MINGLE

It’s been over a month since the Boston Bear and I parted ways. I’m using the words “parted ways” because it was more of a business transaction than a break-up. Break-ups to me include tears, long conversations, arguments, some sort of care to fight it out. There was none of that.  While I admit the shock of how it ended stung for a few weeks, I have found peace. Ultimately, we were just two people not capable of a relationship, not just with each other but anyone for that matter. One of us was more consumed with business aspirations than a meaningful relationship. One of was unable to open up due to fear of abandonment, and rejection. I’ll let you decide which was which.

Boston Bear was nice, but looking back I’m not sure either of us would have gotten into a relationship with the other if our lives were in better places. The relationship was notable in that it was the first time I had trusted a man enough to call him in my boyfriend in over four years. It’s also the first time a man I really cared for did nothing to fight for our relationship. The lack of energy put into saving “us” was hard for me to grasp. I loved hard in my twenties, and every man I uttered the words "I love you" too loved just as hard. And, even when it was over each of those men gave all they had to try to make it work. So when Boston Bear didn’t I was stunned.  I second guessed myself. I became self-conscience. I’ve spent a lot of time in prayer about that. Focusing on self-love and reconnecting on the love that never tires of fighting for me which is God’s love for me.

Now that the chapter with Boston Bear has come to a close, and I’m no longer beating myself up mentally about it, I’ve come to realize I not only want to be single for a super long time, I think maybe I need to be. Before you go call me a Bitter Betty who is so hurt from her last relationship she is ruling out men, hear me out. Here is what I am learning are the perks to being single— and why I have absolutely no desire for a mate in the next month or maybe even the next few years.

I DO NOT WANT KIDS- Yup you read that right. I am 33 years old and I am drawn to puppies more than babies. There is still a societal expectation that women my age should be married and with child. People say, “Your biological clock is ticking.” Hey we live in a world world where 50 year women like Janet Jackson are popping out babies. I have time. But seriously having a child takes sacrifice, patience, and selflessness. These are all things I am not ready to give. Also, rational or not I am super afraid of passing down generational hurt to my children. There are a lot of wounds from my family and childhood that have yet to heal. And, until I’ve faced those things and learned to make peace with them I don’t think having a child would be wise.

I WANT TO BE SELFISH- Since my first suicide attempt in 2014, I’ve lost everything I held dear. I finally feel like I am getting a second chance to live a life of my own path and creation. I want to pursue this new life boldly. Also when I was dating the Boston Bear I felt the need to be so selfless it wasn’t long before I submitting to all his needs and none of mine. In this chapter of my life, I want to look out for me only. I want to chase the dreams of my heart, consider me first, and learn to love myself completely.

DESIRES OF MY HEART - One of the beautiful things of my recovery is that I am discovering my purpose and new dreams are unfolding. I am in the process of writing my first memoir, and taking a bold leap of faith to become a professional motivational speaker. I want to pursue those things wholeheartedly. I want to travel, and see God’s beautiful world. I want to share my story across the world.

INDEPENDENCE -  Being homeless meant I had to rely on so many other people; shelters, social services, friends, strangers. Now I want to know what life feels like relying on God first and my strength second.

I AM AT PEACE/ MY HEART IS FULL - Throughout my twenties I wanted so badly to be loved and coupled. I had this ideal in my heart that I’d be married, and knocked up by twenty eight. Now, as I am moving into my own place, growing in a job that I love, I don’t have that same aching for a romantic relationship.  And, as time goes on I am less connected to the ideal of marriage; the idea of finding completion in another person. This is a major departure from my dreams in the past. It is not that I do not believe in marriage. I just don’t think I want it for myself anymore. Also I've met some amazing friends who have become family who fill my heart is so many great ways.

Who knows maybe 5 years from now I will meet a man is Dwayne Johnson’s carbon copy and we’ll fall madly in love. Until then I am perfectly fine—alone, single, solo….just me.

The Power of Telling Your Own Story: The Black Danielle Steele

The Power of Telling Your Own Story: The Black Danielle Steele

When I was a little girl I always dream of being a big time writer. Cover of magazines, book tour, celebrity big writer. Way before Carrie Bradshaw from Sex and the City made writing sexy and fun, I wanted to be like Danielle Steele. Steele is a hugely popular, best-selling romance novelist. She paints the most beautiful love stories with her words. And, to top it off she loves luxury. Before I’d start any Danielle Steele book I’d turn to the back of the book to see her author head shot. Home girl was always on point. Her long hair, straight, and luscious hair would be pressed to perfection. Her makeup was flawless, and she was always sporting some seriously gorgeous jewelry. Before grammar, vocabulary, and punctuation would scare me from a writing career, I dreamt of being the Black Danielle Steele. (I apologize in advance for any grammatical errors you see in this blog. I do my own editing, and like I said grammar scared me from writing career.)  A few D’s in English class shot any dreams I had of being a writer. The pain of being rejected in a subject I loved so dearly was so painful I shelved the idea of ever becoming the Black Danielle Steele or the successful public speaking career I thought would blossom from my New York Times Bestselling books.

I still remember the time I brought home a ‘D’ in English. The reaction from my stepfather was enough for me to never believe I’d be a writer in real life. “Writer’s don’t get ‘D’s,” he said looking down at my red marked essay I brought home from school. I am sure he meant well, and didn’t realize how hard I took the criticism. But, what I heard was, “You are not writer material.” I continued to write in journals, and occasionally I’d write pretend soap opera skits and spread them around to my friends, but I never seriously pursued a writing career after that. I did not submit anything to school magazines, or offer to read in class.

I am now 33 with a much different story than I thought I’d be writing, and a new desire to recapture the dream of being a writer. The story I have to tell now is nothing like those steamy love stories Danielle Steele I read as kid. It is real. It is hard. It is at times shameful, and regretful. It is mine. I’ve been sharing my story from mini TV fame to surviving suicide to homelessness to the road to my recovery for over a year now. I am now writing my story with the help of an amazing organization called 'The Muse', giving speeches on my story, reliving the pain of my story, praying for grace and mercy along the way. I hope my story shows people that all of us possess the strength to survive unimaginable pain, heartbreak, and mental illness.

As I reflect on my last year as a mental health advocate and speaker I often recall the first speech I ever gave on my depression and how it motivated me to keep sharing. Last March I gave my first speech in a small church in front of some of the warmest, most compassionate Christians I’ve ever met. I remember standing before the congregation, with tears coming down my face as I shared my suicide attempts, the renewal of my walk with God, healing and the road to recovery. Afterwards, so many people shared their same struggles. We hugged. We laughed. We even cried together. We rejoiced, and a part of me started to feel stronger. Stronger, because I had survived to tell my story.

When I dreamed of being a writer and speaker as a little girl, this is not the story I thought I’d be telling. But, now that I’ve started telling it, I can’t stop. Now I don’t just talk for me. I talk for every person that finds comfort, hope, and acceptance listening to my story. With every speech I feel this is part of my new calling in life.

I can’t wait to see my book in print. I am taking a memoir class, and growing more and more confident in my writing ability. Some days I am frightened to keep writing. Some days I am too sad to walk down memory lane. But, most days the little girl in me is beaming. She is excited to think of having her picture in the back of the book, and her words capturing readers across the world.

Thank you for everyone who has supported my journey as a writer, mental health advocate, blogger, and speaker thus far.

If you’d like to continue helping me reach the dream of publication, you can do so with a small donation to my GoFundMe Page. Donations will be used to buy a new lab top ( I am borrowing one now), to pay for my hotel and airfare to a huge writer’s conference in Tampa next year, and more writing classes.

All donation can be made to www.gofundme.com/teamgoodgirl