Good Girl Chronicles: The Best Christmas Gifts Ever

The Best Christmas Ever: What's Under the Tree.

I was extremely blessed to have some amazing gift filled Christmases when I was younger.Both of my parents grew up poor so they spared no expense making sure my siblings and I had what our hearts desired. I can recall all the hours my step-brother and I spent trying out our new Sega Genesis', Nintendo 64, or Playstation. We grew up in the golden age of gaming so I have many memories of Mario Go-Kart tournaments, and Sonic the Hedgehog journeys. The Christmas I got the 'Crazy, Sexy, Cool' album by TLC was one for the books. I remember how confidently I was playing the new CD and reciting the very mature, naughty lyrics to my friend Pam down the street. Christmas' rocked in my house as a kid. But, as much I remember the holidays where gifts were awesome and cheer was high; I also remember the holidays that weren't.

The Gifts of Christmas Past

As much as my parents rocked at holiday gift giving one year they completely missed the mark, and the feelings it stirred in all of us is something I never want to feel again on such a joyous occasion. It was Christmas, early nineties maybe. The whole family ceremoniously came downstairs for the opening of gifts. Gifts of all colors, sizes, and shapes covered sat beneath the Christmas tree. My step-brother's little hands began tearing into the gifts with his name scribbled on the front. The first present he opened was a basketball hoop. It was the kind you hung on the back of your bedroom door to practice free throws. I smiled. That's cute I thought. My step-brother huffed and tossed the basketball hoop and wrapping aside. His eagerly started in on his next gift. After tearing through layers of wrapping paper he discovered, a football. Much like his reaction to the basketball hoop, he tossed the gift and keep going. Within minutes, my step-brother uncovered a foam baseball bat, a baseball, and a ton of disappointment. After everyone had opened their gifts, we look at my step-brother who at this point was pouting.

"You don't like your gifts?" my step-father asked.

My little brother stomped his feet. Tears were welling up in his eyes. I wasn't sure what to do, laugh out of sibling rivalry, hug him, or hug my step-dad. I knew my parents had worked hard to buy those gifts, but I also understood my step-brother wanted video games. At the time he was no jock and had little use for the athletic dreams my stepfather seemed to be hoping for through those gifts. Time lingered. Moments like that made my parents hang their heads in shame at us. Us, ungrateful, rich, spoiled, entitled kids who had no real clue of what real disappointment actually felt like. The disappointment of no gifts under the tree, no father to nod at his kids loving, or superficial holiday cheer we had become accustom to. My step-brother did not know that then and neither did I. All I did know was that Christmas sucked.

When I started earning my own money as a teenager, I wanted desperately to somehow show my parents that I appreciated their hard work, their generosity, and our good home. So one of the first Christmases I could afford to buy my family gifts I stressed over getting the right things. I hoped that with the right gift I could have a Hallmark moment with my family Christmas day. You know the moments where someone opens a gift you gave them and they cry from the sheer awesomeness of it? I wanted that. I didn't have a lot of money so most of my gifts came from the Dollar Tree or the discount section in the mall, but I had hoped the thought would make up for the cheapness.

After pacing the mall stores for an hour, I stumbled upon a clever sign I thought would make my mom laugh. The sign said very simply, "Think" in bold, capital letters. My mother was one of those funny, witty type of people, and whenever we said something stupid she'd always point at our head and say, "Think." As I took the sign down from the store wall, I imagined how she'd hang it up and get a laugh every time she saw it.

Christmas Day when it was my turn to give her the gift, excited bubbled in my stomach. "Here you'll like this. You're always saying this. Now all you have to do it point at it when we say something silly," I said handing her my poorly wrapped surprise.

She smiled, and opened the present slowly. When the wrapping paper was gone and my little sign rested in her hands, she looked confused. I saw her eyebrows squint, and said "Hmm."

"Don't you get it? You're always telling us to "THINK" Now you can just point at the sign," I said trying to contain my laughter. She smiled, and said thanks. She placed the gift to her side and kept opening presents. We all moved on to other gifts, and other things that evening. There was no Hallmark moment, or tears. In fact, I feel like I a failure. I was ashamed that after all the stuff my mother had given me I managed to give her a lame sign. After that Christmas gift giving with my family felt more than work than holiday joy. This expectation of the perfect holiday moment like those Hallmark movies portray did not come that holiday. I never saw that sign hung up anywhere in the house, ever.

The Gifts of Christmas Present

This year there were no holiday decorations, or tree downstairs. No tree with gifts stuffed under a tree, no smells of holiday cooking. It was me, my apartment, my restored friendships, my new beginning, my healing, my peace, my joy. And, I almost cried at the sheer joy of those kinds of gifts. The best presents ever. I am living in one of my greatest Christmas gifts; a studio apartment in a cool, part of town, with quiet neighbors thanks to a gracious friend. I went to church today and fought back tears.

"God is this what joy feels like?" I asked in a silent prayer at church. So many years as a kid I thought Christmas meant physical gifts, the things my boyfriends, my parents, or siblings bought me. And, so many times those gifts didn't produce the feelings of joy or happiness I had hoped for. Here I am starting my life over, and I feel more blessed than I have any Christmas in my life.

What if the real gifts are the time we give, the love we share, or the comfort we provide? I received all these gifts and more this holiday. This past weekend I got to see beautiful sunrises in Corolla, North Carolina with an old television friend. And the gift of our renewed friendship is one of my greatest joys this year. The perfume from a peer who celebrates every goal I've reached this year. The gift of time spent with my "keep it real" friend Tara. The gift of comfort God sent my way through friends like Miss Sunshine. The gift of therapy that is pushing me to confront past, and live in my present. The spiritual gifts I am realizing in myself, and the joy I feel sharing it with others. My greatest gift a relationship with Christ in a way I never knew possible. The real, intimate, personal kind of relationship I thought was only good for super, saved, perfect church folks. God showed me in the wilderness that He loves broken people like me. That even in brokenness He has plans for good, plans for a future, plans to prosper.

Sunrise in Corolla

Renewed friendship

"I will rebuild you, and you will dance again." - Jeremiah 31:4

Next year, I plan to take even bigger steps of faith to living fully alive; a baptism for re-dedication, the bravery to complete my book, the boldness to speak my truth, and the heart to help God's people in amazing, supernatural ways.