My Move to Patreon & Body Postivity Modeling

 

I can't believe I've been writing on this blog for over 10 years. When I started it was a place to practice writing and to find my voice as a writer. I hope to one day take the blogs and write the first Good Girl Chronicles. Well as you know a lot has happened since I started this blog; leaving television news, a suicide attempt, homelessness, and so much heartache. 

I am happy to say I am finally in a really good season of life. I recently graduated with a Master of Arts in Strategic Communications. I am working my business full time even though it is challenging, and I am writing more than ever these days. 

When people ask me what I do I can't just say one title anymore. I am a storybrand consultant, a body positive model, publicist content creator, events promoter, and producer. I have always felt in my spirit that God would feed and provide for me from my gifts. I am in the beginning stages of realizing that.

The Boudoir Shoot That Helped Me Love Myself

I recently started posting body positivity after a boudoir shoot that quite frankly helped me fall in love with myself again.

Check some out: the photographer is Stacey Salerno and she has an amazing studio in Newport News, VA. It's this experience coupled with the many plus size influencers expanding the view of beauty that has motivated me to go into modeling myself. I am sharing these pictures on a membersite called Patreon.

My MOVE TO PATREON

Which leads me to Patreon. Patreon is a membership based site for content creators. Creators can post

pictures, vides, live streaming and more to their paid members. It's an amazing way to monetize your brand and content. I will creating some exclusive content there that I will not post here. Don't worry if you're still following me I will write here periodically but not as much as I will be posting on Patreon. I am trying to work as a full time business owner so that means making moves in my business.

You can join me on Patreon for as low as $5 a month. You can here up here. I'd love your support.

I do want to make one thing clear that some men seem to be assuming. I am not posing nude, and I am not porn. LOL You wouldn't believe how many men have assumed that. I am falling in love with my body and myself in a beautiful way. I want to honor this season, and empower other women to love their bodies also.

I want to say a huge thank you to photographer Stacey Salerno for allowing me to pose in her new studio, and for uplifting me in so many ways. Check out this sneak peek of her studio that I did on my YouTube Channel.

She also took these amazing pictures of me at my college alma mater after my graduation.

Built Ford Tough (Trigger Warning This Blog Talks About Sexual Assault

 Built Ford Tough (Trigger Warning)

He would respond to my stories with this statement;“That's cause you’re built Ford tough.”

I thought it was cute - endearing

But maybe it was a warning for the abuse he would put me through.

A preparation of the armor I'd have to build to protect myself from the pain drenched in the emotional, verbal, and psychological beat down he put me through.

Cloaked in being sensitive and burned by women-- he wooed me.

After the sweet good morning texts and Bible scripture

Came the constant weed smoking - dirty house - drinking until he's black out drug and vomiting outside my car.

Drunken nights at seedy clubs.

Me picking him up from his gigs wasted

Blocking him on social.

Hearing him talk shit on his stories, then taking him back

All toxic!

All manipulative... then dangerous.

All leading to a night I wish I would have ignored his call

"I’m drunk and I have no way home," he says pleading to me over Facetime.

I run to rescue him again

A battered man - beaten as a child trapped in a constant cycle of self sabotage

I want to rescue him , love him back to life.

I believe he knows Christ because he knows the word

But that night when he tries to pull my pants down. I say no

He tries again

I say no

How can this be a man of god I think?

"I’m not having sex with you ," I say. I say it over and over.

"Well will you do this," he asks.

I think to myself, I'll do whatever I must do to not have sex, and to leave this house.

I oblige.

But then I don’t like it !

-I try to pull away.

He forces me down, and I’m almost gagging .

I remove myself from my body just to get through the moment.

He smells like he hasn’t showered in weeks - I’m disgusted.

It is nothing like the romance we once had.

When he is done I say, "You will never do this to me again. You will never use me again. Do you hear me?"

Then I run. I run home. I shower, and lay in the bed looking out the window at a deary February sky. I want to cry but I have no tears.

I want to report, but he says no one will believe me.

I wait a year to report only to be told - don’t poke the bear - don’t tell DONT SPEAK

But I must - I am fighting back.

I have my voice and I simply can’t shut it now

This is why I own my body and my sex now- because it was taken from me

And this is my rebirth !

Finding Nemo---Finding Me

 

Finding Nemo is one of my favorite Disney Pixar films. I identify with Dory so much. Her forgetfulness reminds me of what anxiety does to my brain. It produces a fog in me that I can't explain. Makes me lose focus, and the ability to do simple things when it's at its worse. Her sense of not having a family or direction spoke to me also. I have not spoken to my immediate family in close to 5 years, but God has brought me spiritual families in so many seasons of my life.

In the journey of Finding Nemo, Dory finds family in two strangers. She also finds herself. I find the story to be quite biblical. In fact in my graduate studies I wrote a story about how Disney and Pixar use Christian themes in their stories. Sometimes I think it's the only way God knows his children will hear him is through creative expression like song, dance, art, and movies. 

Sometimes this Dory sits on my bed, sometimes in my car. She reminds me that God will leave the 99 for the 1 every time. His love is that powerful, and that strong. He loves his children that much.

Thank you Father for coming after me. In my wilderness, my struggle, my sin -- you always kept coming after me.

VLOG SERIES: LOLO's LOVES: MR HAWAII

VLOG SERIES: LOLO's LOVE : Mr. Hawaii

It's wednesday night and I can't sleep.

I toss and turn--then I remember my wedding trick. 

The thing I use to do to help me fall asleep….before my depression took away my ability to dream.

I close my eyes and imagine---my wedding.

It is set on a Hawaii beach.

The background is a perfect sunset. Cotton candy skies, and crashing waves. 

The sand is white….

I am walking barefoot -- in a slimming white dress -- I can not see the face of my groom. 

But my heart feels he is the kind of man I’ve been waiting for my entire life.

He is kind, compassionate, funny, sexy.

He covers and honors me… and he is everything Corinthians say about love.

Flowers line the beach, creating an aisle for me to walk down.

There are no guests… just me, my long overdue groom… and Dwayne Johnson.

He is officiating our wedding--- and I as walk down the aisle.

The Great One sings the theme song from Moana. 

It is sweet and tender, and it feels so right….

Before I reach the altar to face my groom-- my body is in deep slumber.

I awake the next morning, energized

Thursday, I worry I will have I will have a restless night.

I am anxious for a reason I can not place.

I decide to try the wedding trick again to ease my anxiety.

I turn on some R and B --- I lie on the floor and I am there again-- a Hawaii sunset.

And, I think for a fleeting moment of my husband and I in Hawaii.

A storm is brewing outside

I feel fear swell in my heart.

God I say is this--- the best that life has to offer me right now.

I pray -- God I am not testing you, but show me there is more than this. 

Give me a sign that my best days are ahead.

I exhale , and rise from the floor.

Moments later I get a friend request from a man I don’t know.

He lives in Pearl City, Hawaii.

I chuckle, and accept…

"Mahalo" he types.

After I ask if this his attempt at pursuing a BBW fantasy or scam me for money ---

we spend the next few hours messaging about life, depression, survival suicide, God

I explain to Mr. Hawaii that if he remembers nothing from this chance meeting - that God wants him to know that he is in the rebuilding business.

NO matter how broken or messed up or unqualified we think we are… God makes all things news.

Jeremiah 31:4 says “I will rebuild you and you will dance again.” 

You and I Mr. Hawaii have not even began to dance.

 He shares with me that he too prayed to God for a sign on this faith

angel number evening (March 21, 2021) to show him a sign.

I am sure then that the God of all things bring two souls together on

opposite sides of the world for a time such as this.

I do not know what will happen next -- but I know my Father uses all things, ordinary, big, small, and grand to speak directly to his children. To invirograte them.

I feel God is tell me --- don’t lose heart , your best days are still ahead.

I find myself yearning for Mr. Hawaii in a way I have not in a long time.

I feel seen in a way I havent

HIs admiration makes me fall in love with myself. 

I want to walk a little straighter --- work a little harder.

Could this be the beginning of something beautiful - a love I have never known..

Also don't forget to subscribe to my YouTube Channel for the latest vlog and mental wellness tips.

What is at the End of Your I AM____ ?

 I feel God has been telling for several seasons to find a way to control my thoughts. The things that flow through my head, my internal talk; when I learn to harness that I will live fully alive. So many things in the word say a man is as he thinks. Meaning we are what we think of ourselves. And, if I’m honest my thought life is horrible. 

Here’s why I think God is speaking – consider these sermons I’ve stumbled upon recently

 

-We are what we remember and what we forget (Elevation Church)

-Self Meet Self – what are you saying to yourself. (Community Church)

Then in small group we were encouraged to memorize this:

“Finally, brothers and sisters whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right,

whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy -think about such things…” Philippians 4:8

 

God even calls us to FIX our mind on these things which says to me this is not our natural way. This is not how we are wired. We have to be intentional, we have to wrangle our thoughts into submission to what the word says, who God says we are.

 

Without this FIXING our minds will be slaves to our circumstances, our trauma, heartache, the opinions of others, the regrets of our past.

 

And I know because I am a slave to these things, but today I consider if I fixed my mind not only on what is lovely…. And acknowledging I am what I remember and what I forget – then maybe I could break the shackles of self defeat, shame, guilt, regret, and disappointment.

 

Follow as I guide you through who I remember about me , my life, my loves, and my dreams.

 

If I remember --- the day I met the best love of my lifetime. I walked into his store, and time moved still. For a better part of 5 years we loved each other through family death, loss, our own delayed development. We tried so hard… even though life has taken us on different paths. I remember that I experienced beautiful, real love. A man who covered me, a man who honored me – a man who took me to church, his family, and into his heart.

 

Remembering this and what God says about giving the desires of my hearts is why I a can say I will be loved by a great man again. I am a partner worth having. I am good woman.

 

Remembering the days I seemed to report on every part of the Lynchburg market in one day – writing the stories, updating the website, making it on-air. Doing the swimming story that saved lives --- remembering when I made it to my hometown station – a high in the pie out of the stadium shot I called and made reality --- remembering this I can say

 

I am a talent storyteller. I am a natural speaker. I am a world changer. I am a leader. I am a multitasker. I can and I will rediscover a career in media and tv somehow. I will live and eat off a career from my creative spirit. My greatness destiny is still before me.

 

If I remember those long distance runs --- putting one foot in front of the other—running the streets of Richmond, finally working out in a sports bra – the thrill of crossing the finish line of my first 10k – I can say I am able. I am disciplined. I am an active person. I will complete a half marathon it is in me.

 

I could go on and on.. and as I write this I feel the sparks of joy of dreams long forgotten. I the rattling of the shame shackles that keep me from loving – maybe this is the beginning of breakthrough , a reawakening , of the sunflowers poking through a weeded garden.

 

If you could remember the greatness you’ve already done, the obstacles you’ve overcome – what would they say about you?

 

First we REMEMBER -- then we FIX OUR MIND TO THESE THINGS--- NEXT we ACT!

 

To be continued….