Growing up I was an avid reader. I am still to this day always reading a book. Some book lines, quotes, and scenes resonate in my heart forever. Such is the case with one particular scene in the famous book 'Joy Luck Club'. If you did not have to read this in high school you are missing out my friend. The book by Amy Tan explores Chinese heritage and culture set in an American world. The scene that sticks out the most to me is when Jing-Mei one of the book's central characters is having dinner with family and friends. At dinner Jing Mei's mother cooks crabs. Jing Mei notices that her mother picked the worse of the crabs and does not eat. When Jing-Mei asks her mother why she didn't pick a good crab, her mother responds, "Because I knew you would pick it. You never pick the best quality for yourself." It's a deep statement that Jing-Mei does not fully understand until her mother passes away.
When I read this book as a young teen, I did not see the deeper meaning either. But, now in my thirties I now see that for my entire life I have been picking bad crabs in love. I've hinted at my attraction to broken men through many entries in this blog. But, at 34 I finally ready to face why I am so drawn to bad crabs.
For as long as I can remember I've been one of those overly empathetic people. The kind of person that will take on someone's else pain. Instead of throwing someone a life raft I very often find myself jumping in the drowning water with them to show them how much I care. I can't remember a time I didn't feel that way. When I was younger and my mother would beat my step-brother with a belt for disobedience I'd often sit in my room and cry, praying for my mother to stop. When my parents were going through their divorce I heard all the pain my mother endured and in turned hated my step father. I very often don't know how to separate myself from someone's pain. Maybe this is why I have always been attracted to underdogs and broken men
I fell in love with my first underdog in my mid-twenties. I was getting over the loss of a love that I thought would be my husband. I wanted to feel desired, useful, and I wanted to heal someone's brokenness. So I jumped right into a relationship with a man I'll call the Gamer. I ignored that he wasn't not involved in his kid's life, couldn't pay his own bills, was more obsessed with video games than real life, and couldn't seem to keep a good job. I thought my love would make him a better man, make him responsible, make him be a provider. At times it worked, and I prided myself on the fact that I and I alone had loved him back to life. I got so much joy out of seeing him succeed because of me. It was a toxic, bad romance. I got tired of mothering him. When I demanded that he act like a man, he did what a lot of bad crabs do he ran.
The second really bad crab I fell for was Lyric. If you've read this blog I'm sure you like myself are like "Girl get over it. He is a bum." Off and on for eight years I've played back seat to all of this man's lovers. When we first met he had fucked things up with a hot t.v. anchor in Georgia. Instead of making things right, stepping up, and becoming a man he started a fling with me. When I got my heart involved he decided to make one last attempt to get the hot tv anchor back and flew to Georgia to propose to her. Even she was done with his bullshit and left him crying at her doorstep. I should have known then Lyric was another broken, immature man too afraid to deal with his inability to love. But I'm a glutton for punishment so I about a year later I let him back in my life. By that time I had gotten the tv job of my dreams. I was dating a hot, successful, charming Navy Corp named Javi. Lyric was fucking a married woman with a son whose husband was never home. He even had the audacity to brag about fucking in her martial bed. For almost two years I listened to this man pine for a woman that was not his. You know what I did? I listened. I picked up every phone call. I waited and prayed for the day he would see I was his real soulmate. Talk about picking the lowest quality.
I knew it was over when I spent all my savings to visit Lyric in Long Island for a romantic getaway. It was going to the be the weekend I laid my heart on the line with him. When I walked into his apartment, the first thing I saw was a picture of the married woman's son on his fridge, her red lipstick prints on his mirror. She had been there, and she was still there. Like I fool I stayed and gave Lyric everything precious to me. What is sad? It's been years since Lyric ruined things with the hot tv anchor and he still is not over it. He has pictures of this woman on his facebook, and sit at home alone masturbating and sleeping with countless women. Meanwhile the hot tv anchor and everyone else has moved on with their lives. I do not want to live this way. I am done Lyric. Done.
Why do I do this? Why do I give my all to these bad crabs? Because deep inside I feel like a bad crab, a woman not worthy of a good man, a abused child no one could want or love. And in loving
these men I feel I'm loving a broken part of me.
Well not anymore. Goodbye to bad crabs, shitty men, and low standards.
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| Pictures by: Beach Photo Lab |
That like it says in Psalms 30:5 "Weeping may endure for the night but joy comes in the morning."
This is my new morning. A moment in time where I leave the bad crabs in my past. I am ready to walk in the morning where men are honest, pure, tender, faithful, loving, and put me first.
Or another one of my favorite "I will give you beauty for your ashes." - Isaiah 61:3 In order to feel God's beauty we have to let go of the ashes; the pain of our past, the heartache, the brokenness. When we submit that to God, the beauty he has is unlike anything we can ever know.
I am ready to let go Father.
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| Picture by Beach Photo Lab |
Here's to picking better crabs. #MADETOLOVE
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