REVISED: Standing in my truth

July 9, 2014 was my last day as a reporter, and then I disappeared into a deep, dark hole known as depression. It was a battle of the mind, I almost didn't win. This is a story about what lead to my fall and how I'm trying to rebuild my life again.

The first time my depression got unbearable was in Lynchburg aka the Hill City. It was my first General Assignment gig and I was making a name for myself. The stress, the sleepless nights, and my unhealthy desire to be thin pushed me to one of the worse anxiety/panic attacks of my life. I was out of commission for five days. I went home gathered my thoughts and let my family love on me. I got in the word, gave my heart to Christ, and came back to work with a vengeance. Then I stopped eating to cope. Don't ask me why that made sense but I stopped eating. I dropped to a scary 120. But viewers loved it so it validated the unhealthiness.

This is me at my lowest weight.

After my three year contract was up, I decided to leave Lynchburg for my real dream of working for my hometown station.With a good agent, some hard work, and my work husband I was able to transition to my dream station with ease. It was a good year and a half. Then something knocked me off my kilter. Well if I am honest a lot of things knocked me off my kilter.

When I finally made it to my dream station WAVY News 10 where I worked harder than I ever had in my life. I never said no to assignments, I came in on my days off, came early and left late. I was overworked, burned out, and tired. I didn't see how unhealthy my life had become and how it opened the doors for depression to swallow me whole. I was so exhausted some days, I literally would fall asleep in the car before work. A producer caught me one day and I was so embarrassed. But I kept pushing. In journalism school they tell you that nothing is ever enough so I didn't see the signs that my life was unhealthy. I worked on my time off to do my passion projects, stories that could not lead a newscast, but filled my heart. I started eating to cope with the stress and slowly started to fill out my 5'2 frame.

By March of 2014, the stress was almost intolerable. I felt there was no one I could talk to. Things in the newsroom were getting tense, and many people were afraid to speak up. On top of that, my whole career I was told to swallow it. 'Don't cry, Don't complain, Get out in front of the camera and tell the damn news. No one cares if you are hungry, stressed, hurting or bothered, "Tell the news." It didn't matter that I was hurt by what I saw in the field; the bodies, the dead black men, the mothers crying. It killed me y'all. It killed me every day to see those things and report them with a blank stare.

I would go home and weep to myself. Then I'd felt guilty for weeping. I felt like a baby so I stopped crying. I ate to cope got fat again so I stopped eating. Before I left your airwaves I was getting scary skinny again.

Personally my love life was a mess. I was in love with a man that did not love me, and the rejection broke something in my spirit.  The final straw came when I went to visit him out of state. There was no romance, no wining, and dining. I laid my heart out on the table and instead we kicked it like homeboys all weekend. It broke my heart more than I ever admitted to myself. And the final kicker, he told me he was in love with married woman. The toxic relationship caused me to hate myself.

By May 2014, it was too much. My man was a jerk, I couldn't handle my job, and I didn't feel I could talk to anyone. I sat through therapy in a zombie state. I didn't take my medicine cause I felt weak taking them. I had my first suicide attempt before Memorial Day 2014. It got so bad I had to take a month FMLA leave ( Family Medical Leave Act) to get my life together. It didn't work. I returned to work scared, confused, and lost. After my 30th birthday, I felt I had to leave.  You never know what people are going through. Trust me. At the time it felt like the world was closing in, like there was nothing left to live for, like no one loved me. 

So nine days after my 30th birthday I handed in my resignation from my dream job. I often wonder if I could have survived there longer, and that decision still weighs on me today.

I am working on forgiving myself. The next year was a blur. I worked a job I hated, a place where viewers came and saw me. I tried to hide from everyone my friends, family, viewers I adored, and I couldn't. They all found me, and I became ashamed. I started eating and passing out on the sofa at night. I stopped doing my hair, my makeup (things I love) I wanted no one to recognize me. When my retail co-workers found out I used to be on air I felt like a dagger had cut through my disguise. I hated working there even more. Then my sister got sick and almost died, and my depression made it difficult for me to be even be present for my family. The day she almost died I was asleep on the couch in a food coma. 

 I wanted nothing or nobody to touch me. For a year I lived like this, ignoring phone calls, texts, and emails. Having my mother lie to people about where I was. When in reality we all knew where I was. I was giving up on life. And it sucked everyday. I asked myself how did I wake up to this? How is this my life? Stay with me please. I'm almost done.

I hated myself. I picked scabs on my face, pulled my  hair out, every piece of me wanted to disappear. I wanted to look as ugly as I felt. I stopped looking into mirrors or going outside. I gave up on my beautiful life. But I will not say God abandoned me. I had abandoned God. I tried to do it all alone. All by myself. 

THE SMALL VOICE

One night this December after I ate myself into another food coma something hit me. A voice woke me up. It said, "Turn off the t.v."

I obeyed. "How long are we going to do this? Another year, next month forever?" the voice said.

"God I can't do this another year I won't survive it. Just take me now," I said.

"I can't Lauren. Remember when you were a little girl? I told you your testimony would help thousands. I told you, and I told you it wouldn't be a an easy cross to bear,"

"God I can't God."

"Get up Lauren. I will give you beauty for your ashes. It's in my word trust me," God said.

"But God I have nothing. The love of my life left me, men I cared about used me, my friends know nothing of my pain, and my family doesn't understand."

Jeremiah 31:4 says, "I will rebuild you and you will dance again"

"Trust me I knew you in your mother's womb and I have a plan far greater than you know."

I cried for every lost love, broken friendship, bad news story, every mistake I ever made. That night I let it all go. The times people hurt my pride, the times people told me how  to live my life, the times people judged me, told me I was fat on air, the times I wanted to run away. I left it all there with God that night.

I woke up a new creature, a new woman, a new follower in Christ. I haven't looked back. I will talk more about my comeback later. This has been painful to write. I can't stop crying. Listen to this song, my story is there.

God speaks to me through music. These songs are my confessions. It's why Stripped is one of my favorite albums its speaks my story. It's why I rocks with Demi Lovato that chick over came being bipolar. She fights it everyday I'm sure, but those who get help learn how to live with it. It will always be there. I had depression and it almost killed me so I know she had it hard.

But I walk by faith and not by sight.

If you have someone in your life struggling with depression or mental illness don't abandon them. Don't tell them to suck it up, get over it. Get them help, a therapist , a pastor, something. It could save their lives, trust me. My family stepped in. Keep calling, physically go see them. See they are alive. Too many of our black men and women are committing suicide, and then we wonder why. Depression is a private pain that become a public spectacle when we kill ourselves. After Robin Williams, Amy Winehouse, the black kid Action Jackson killed themselves, I understood their pain, the desire to fade away. Then we all act like we care about mental illness, pundits talk about it. But nothing and I mean nothing is done. 

Rome wasn't built in a day-start with a friend. Have real talks about depression with your loved ones. Don't be scared. Don't call them crazy. Listen and get them help. I  know resources here I can point you in the right direction. Start here they helped me.

1 (800) 273-8255

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

Hours: 24 hours, 7 days a week

Languages: English, Spanish

Website: www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org

To my real friends who let me sleep over, eat their food stay, play with their kids, read my blogs. I love you.

To those that walked out in when my comeback time-- my rebuilding period I forgive you. Change is hard, and when someone does a 360 in Christ it can be hard to swallow. I forgive you. I am sorry if I hurt you.

To the photographers who knew my secret thank you for never saying a word. You know who you are.

To my friend across country--thank you for teaching me to love the word, for listening to me cry, and showing me what Christian love can look like.

To so many people thank you---- your love has outnumbered the hate, the people who left, the daggers thrown my way. So many people I could thank--- just know I love you, and I am working hard to get myself all the way back.

IF you want to help -- you can share my story or make a small donation to my new business www.gofundme.com/teamgoodgirl