My Weight Loss Mission: Why I Gained the Weight

Sometimes when I look down at my now massive female peaks, round belly, and wide calves, I ask myself, ‘How the fuck did I end like this?’ I mean seriously, I worked my ass off in my twenties. I ran all the races I could, read the work out books, and ate healthy. How did I become the woman gasping for air at the top of the stairs? Or even worse, why am I resting at the Wal-Mart park bench to give my aching knees a break? This is not who I am. The short answer to those questions is, I ate my feelings. We all do it.

In the past, I’d celebrate a payday with a special meal and some Dateline. It felt good to reward myself with some new culinary adventure or escape into a fresh confectionary dream. What’s so wrong with that? I didn’t binge eat, and I rarely would buy enough of those high calorie foods to have seconds. When I was working out on the regular, I even allowed myself cookies, and brownies. What I’ve learned about successful diets is the ones that allow you to live your life tend to last the longest. So, say you’re craving a Krispy Kreme donut. Who wouldn’t? When that hot-n-ready sign is on it’s like the race bells are off for me. I’m going there no matter what. But, the healthy way to enjoy these sugary delights is to have one, enjoy it, and maybe put in a little extra in the workout the next day. Trust me I know all the right things to do to lose weight.  My days consisted of breakfast, snack, lunch, snack, dinner. I was also sure to drink lots of water. I almost never felt empty.

But that all changed when the thing I started feeding wasn’t my stomach anymore it was my heart. One night I came face to face with the decisions I made, the men that left me, and the friends I didn’t have. To ease my heartache I took a sip of a sugar laced Vanilla Coke. Over ice, the brown fizz came alive. That sound of fresh soda took me a way for a minute. Then I had to have something with it.

“What do we have in the house,” I ask myself.

Well there’s leftover pizza, and even cookies.  Then something in me says, “Yes that will do it.” I take the treats down to our family movie room, I plop down in front of the television, and my mind escapes. Some nights it was A&E Biography, other nights Alfred Hitchcock. Whatever it was the captivating stories mixed with my food debauchery took me away from any regret I felt about my past, the pain I felt in my present, and the hopelessness I felt was in no doubt my future. Every time it hurt, I just took another bite, another sip, another swallow. I let myself get lost in the flavors, the glare of the television, and before long I was in a full blown food coma. Knocked out on the couch, belly full of food, and for the moment a heart that didn’t ache.

I wish I could say that was the only time I used the food/television to comfort my broken dreams, my shattered heart, and low self-esteem. But it became my norm.  So, today when I look in the mirror and question where the fullness of cheeks came from or the extra jiggle in my step, I know exactly how it got there.

 

My Weight Loss Mission: Acceptance

Well it is official, I am plus size. This truth was reaffirmed when I went shopping at the trendy clothes stores and I had to reach for the 1X, or the size 14. Curvy, voluptuous, thick, no matter how you spell it I’m officially a big girl. Trust me; I am trying to come to terms with that. But it is hard considering how healthy I was just years ago. In my twenties I worked hard to maintain a 130 pound frame.  I ate right, I worked out religiously, participated in races, and I even joined Weight Watchers (way before Oprah did mind you).  But, here I am 31, overweight, unsure, and trying to love the skin I’m in. I don’t say these things for pity. This is my truth. Every day I look in the mirror and I say to myself, “You are wonderfully made. You are beautiful.” It’s my little morning pep talk. I speak down deep to the little teenage girl who still remembers getting teased for developing lady lumps before the other girls. My heart aches for the even younger girl who boys did not chase and girls did not envy. Those formative years made me feel beauty was on the outside, and as a woman I’m trying to embrace the beauty  that is all of me: my smile, my laugh, my spirit, the pep in my step lately. That is not to say it isn’t hard.

Another truth of mine is this; I will lose this weight. It might take six months; it more likely will take a year. But, I am going to shed this weight. Not to attract men, trust me there are some who already want this jelly. It is not just to shimmy into all the cute clothes they make for skinny women. I am losing weight for me. My family has a history of deadly cancer. I want to decrease my odds.  I will run a half marathon even if I come in last. And, a big part of me wants to show others struggling with weight  loss that you can do this without a fad diet or a magic pill; you can do this just one day at a time. To be continued --- part two will discuss how I got all this jelly.

REVISED: What's Your Theme Song "Booty Gives Me Life"

If you know me, then you know I’m a huge music head. Some people don’t understand this but I feel like God speaks to me through music, all kinds of music. I listen to pop, rap, hip-hop, some rock, country, the list goes on. Recently God touched my heart when I heard Carrie Underwood's song 'Heartbeat. Listen to this song, it’s simply beautiful. There is an awesome music video, but I will post the lyric video so you can read the words. They are so beautiful. I want a man to love me man this way.

 

My favorite part is the chorus, ‘Tonight I wanna so far we’ll only hear static on the radio’ Now to me she’s saying let’s go somewhere no one can find us and just be together. We’ll go so far there is no radio reception and,’ We can’t see those city lights. And I love the way you look in the a fireglow.’ 

That means we push out the worldly things, the distractions, and we just enjoy each other in the glow of fire. Ah I am melting right now. I could go and on about that song.  

 

I say this to say that everyone has a song or several songs that speak to their life. And recently I’ve started to think of them as theme songs. You know when you are watching a movie, and sometimes actors have a song that comes on when they walk into the room?  It’s like when the heroine in the film first sees her love interest. Sometimes it is slow, or fast but there is usually music that illustrates the feelings going on in the scene. No surprise that I love movie soundtracks. A few of my favorite are ‘Soul Food, Think Like a Man, and Waiting to Exhale’. Great soundtracks if you like love songs and R&B.

So what is your theme song? Is it something that illustrates your life, captures a moment in time, reminds you of a loved one, or makes you feel fabulous and sexy? I have several but I will only share the ones in heavy rotation right now.

 

1.)    Blessed by Jill Scott.  Favorite line “Woke in the morning feeling fresh to def I’m so blessed. Yes! Yes! Went to sleep stressed woke up refreshed I’m so blessed. Yes! Yes!” Who doesn’t carry the weight of the world on them when they go to bed, but when you wake up, and focus on your blessings it’s all good. I have to show the video on this one because it plays a big role in why I love this song. Here is this beautiful plus size woman owning her figure. I so need to do that right now. I know many of you have heard me complain about my new weight gain, and I’m trying to own but it feels so uncomfortable. But I am working on it. I’ve already lost close to 10 pounds in a month. I’m so blessed.

 

2.)    Love Myself by Hailee Steinfeld – This song speaks to my soul. And I feel God is trying to show me how to love myself, without a man, and without a television career to put me in the public eye, and with all the haters out there. ( trust me yall I have them just like you. You have no idea.) This song is such a great pop track, and the message is right on point.  Hailee says, “When I get chills at night, I feel it deep inside without you , yeah.  Know how to satisfy. Keeping that tempo right without you, yeah.” What I take from this and you may read something different; home girl is saying she doesn’t need a man or anyone else to be with her at night. She keeps her own tempo.  Yes she gets cold at night without a man, but shes’ alright. I need to hear this because in the past I have relied on men for confidence and that stops in 2016. It has to come within. I have also come to know Hailee is talk about "self love" in this song, and that's alright with me too. In the end how you feel about your looks, love, or sexuality has to come from the inside. And well know only God can judge me.  Cause if your confidence lies in man it will let you down. (That’s another thing I know to be true so well.) "

 

       Pictures in my mind on replay, I’m gonna touch the pain away. I know how scream my own name.” This chick is like yes the past hurt me, and sometimes I do replay it in mind, but ultimately I brush that off my shoulder. Then it gets better she says,” I’ll scream my own name.” Basically Hailee says I don’t need anyone else to promote me or shout for me (namely a man) I’ll do it myself. Now for me I believe God screams my name when I walk with Him. And because of him yes, I don’t need a man to give me my confidence.

 

3.)    Booty by Jlo Now I know I’m going to get some flack for this last one, but I don’t care. It’s my theme song not yours. Moving on. Jlo ‘Booty’ is my jam right now and it is on heavy rotation. 

Jlo asks, “Have you seen her? On the dance floor. She got the boom, shake the room, that’s the lighting and the thunder.” Look this may not make sense, but many of you know I am self conscience about my weight gain. I’ve written past blogs about it, I laugh about it, but underneath I hate this so much. But listening to this song I’m like, ‘Wait a minute do men like this? Ok I need to maybe shake it a little, appreciate my curves and enjoy myself. No one cares Lauren that you gained weight.

       Jlo continues, “You wanna meet her, you wanna touch her. See the lights in her eyes it makes you wonder.” Now I know this song is also about loving big booties. But it is also about owning your curves. It is. It’s all about confidence . Confidence is sexyand appealing. Gosh I love this song, I’m going to play it after this blog is done.

 

So now I’m asking all of you-What is your theme song? The song that moves you, touches you, motivates you? We all have them, some like myself have more than others. Think about why this song speaks to you and really listen to the lyrics. I’ll leave you with a few others without video or explanation and let’s discuss what do you hear in these songs. I love a healthy debate. Love you all dearly, Love God more.

  "

My other theme songs

 

Dance like We’re Making  Love- Ciara (holla Russell Wilson. Homegirl is trying to hold onto to the cookie)

 

Music to My Soul- Ceeloo Green- (saw this on that ratchet show Love and Hip Hop. I still watch it though)

 

Good to be Alive – Andy Grammar- (self explanatory)

 

XO- Beyonce- (another one of my love songs. I can see you in the crowd says B. Ahh man when will my man see me in the crowd, and pick me from everyone else?)

 

Feel Your Love –Grace Memo- (I heard this on Love and Hip Hop too)

 

Shame-Tyrese (um why wasn’t this man nominated for a Grammy. This song--- oh my goodness. The first time I heard it I almost melted in a public restaurant. That song, those lyrics, his lips, that bald head; I was transported into his words.

Photo taken by : Dominique Harris 

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A day I felt fun, sexy, and free--- and bumped into this guy I had a huge crush---  Miss you chicks-- we were hot and fabulous

Thanks for the Love

Listen y'all listen. Y'all have shown me so much love it hurts. And I been praying for comfort. So here I am. Y'all know I gotta go to Lynchburg to see my pastor, my friends, love a man that don't know he needs it, and put my life on track. Some of y'all know I went 'Through the Wire' like Kanye West last year.

God is rebuilding me everyday and I will dance again. I love to dance y'all and God said wait baby girl, it's coming. When I started on this journey again, a friend s...aid go read Colossians. I couldn't understand it. And then my friend sent me this: 'Long ago the LORD said to Israel:" I have loved my people , with an everlasting love. With unfailing love I have drawn you to myself. I'LL REBUILD YOU my Israel. You will be happy and dance merrily with your tambourine."

Look family I have never played a tambourine-- yall know I tried clarinet in high school. But I love to dance. God is really saying you will be happy and joyus agaain. I needed these past two days Shelly thank you. I learned a lot.
I'm just about ready to talk about 'Finding a Theme Song' I have three y'all One them is one a lot of you know.

'Woke in the morning feeling fresh to death I'm so blessed , yes yes"
"Went to sleep stressed, woke up refreshed I'm so blessed"
The woman who sang this was on the shows 'Being Mary Jane' this season. And honestly as a new plus size woman I was so happy they made her sexy.
Alright yall I gotta go have some tea--- and I'll get to work on the 'Theme Song' blog. You will laugh when you hear my favorite one.

The answer is : Jill Scott


Love,
LoLo
Be Blessed

Seasons of Weight

          I’ve rode a weight roller coaster my whole life. Every season the struggle is different. Sometimes I’m up in pounds, sometimes I’m down. I never seem to find a resting place, a constant weight where I can eat a little, splurge a little, exercise a little and ultimately be happy in my skin.

In July I had this amazing trainer who was encouraging me. With her help I lost seven pounds and was snugly fitting into my size 10s again. She was amazing. Just as the pounds were falling off my amazing trainer, who is also in the Navy, was stationed to Florida. She left as the first cold gust of winter came, and as if it were instinctual I started hoarding food like a bear in preparation for the cold months ahead.

              Food comforted me; it helped me during stressful times, and it always knew how to make things right for the moment at least.  By November I had managed to pack on five of the seven pounds I lost with my trainer. Then I met Javi, this fine, suave Latino man who was very much into appearances. I wanted to look good, and by good I mean slim, next to this gorgeous man so I started hitting the gym again.

I started working out again every other day, and managed to shed about six pounds. But this time it didn’t feel as great as it did when I was with my trainer, working out for Javi felt forced. I could tell he liked that I was getting my shape back by his compliments and glances at my ass. But, it didn’t feel right, because I was losing weight for all the wrong reasons: to feel good inside, so Javi would want me, so I could feel beautiful.

By the time the holiday seasons rolled around, I was over working out. I wanted to eat whatever the hell I wanted and be one of those curvy women who love their full figure bodies. I wanted to not give a fuck what my boyfriend thought of my work out schedule or eating plan. So I started hoarding again.

Large fries, soda, chicken nuggets please, and yes I will have dessert. Eating took the edge off the pressure to be skinny, the stresses of work, and a boyfriend I no longer felt connected to. As I packed on the pounds, my self-esteem  plummeted.

I hit rock bottom when I couldn’t get my size 10’s to fit over my huge booty. I pulled, tugged, and stretched but there was no helping it.  Getting on the scale was even more depressing. I had somehow managed to pack on 10 pounds in a matter of two months.

With spring around the corner, I want to find a happy place, a place where I’m happy in my weight, comfortable inside and out. And, I desperately want to get off the roller coaster. This spring I just want to be healthy. I don’t have to be string bean skinny or humpty dumpty fat. I just want to be healthy whatever that means for my body. I want to go up a flight of stairs and not be winded. I want to shimmy into my size 10 and do a victory dance in the mirror. This spring I want to get me back. The slim, kinda curvy kinda slim, kinda thick Lauren who can eat food responsibly and not turn to food when my feelings overwhelm me. I am ready to shed my winter coat. And, this spring I want to do it for me.