#MentalHealthMondays: A Year of Recovery
I was posting a new vlog to my Youtube Page last night and I realized it's been a year since my last major depressive episode. WON'T HE DO IT! I SURVIVED! February 2016, I decided to blog and vlog about my life post depression. I am so incredibly grateful to everyone who has visited this blog ( even those who didn't like me sharing my story). Your comments, prayers, and encouragement inspire me to keep telling my story.
I slipped into the worse depression I've ever known May 2014, and I didn't come out til early 2016. I spent two years in isolation, empty, lonely, and suicidal. 2016 - -- with the help of therapy, anti-depressants, and God intervening in my life, the darkness slowly lifted. And I'm so grateful to say I SURVIVED!
Life post depression
I know it sounds strange, but once I came out of my depression I felt like I was born again. Life felt like a new activity I had never experienced before. I found myself giddy talking to strangers, going outside, wearing revealing clothes, and dating. Everything felt incredibly new. In the depths of my depressions there were some weekends I'd lock myself in my room without food or water and sleep the days away. Post depression I had word vomit, because it felt so freeing to be heard again. It was such an exciting time. Dating, kissing, traveling, trying on new clothes, reconnecting with old friends it all felt so good. My second chance at life was so overwhelming. In hindsight I made some major missteps in who I confided in, who I chose to love, and who I trusted. It was like being a teenager all over again.
Once of the newness of living wore off, I desperately wanted to go back to the old me; rejoin the television world as if nothing happened, jump back into old friendships like I never left. I thought everyone would understand my depression. But they didn't... and I learned some hard truths about who my real friends were and weren't. I learned some of my longest enduring childhood friends couldn't endure the new me. Surviving depression, and suicide changed me. God gave me a second chance at life, and the things the old me tolerated I could not longer stand. Post depression I became bold in standing up for myself, adventurous, a bit of a potty mouth, and less willing to put up with bull shit. I can never be the person I was before.
I will always live with severe depression, and surviving it has made me almost hyper aware of the things that trigger it. 2014, I was burned out, and scared of losing my job daily. There were so many unhealthy things happening in my life that I wasn't dealing with, before long it consumed me. I was in love with someone who didn't love me, overworking myself, lost, and too afraid to tell anyone how I felt. So post depression I was bitter about finding real love, loving the new strength I had, and feeling like for the first time I had a chance to live for me; not my parents, a boyfriend, or a news outlet. It felt so incredibly liberating. My old friends were not used to the new me and I've had to break ties with a lot of them because of it. I did not always say the right things or make the right choices in this season of life and for that I am sorry. Please know to everyone I had to part with during this time, I forgive you. My hope is you have forgiven me for any missteps I made during this time. No matter what I am grateful for the seasons of friendship we had.
Telling My Story
As I said last #MentalHealthMonday I have hid my depression/anxiety for as long as I can remember. I never imagined I'd share such a private battle so publicly. There is a scripture in the book of John that says , "The truth will set you free." Sharing my mental health journey on this blog and Youtube has freed me of so much shame and guilt I've felt for so long. Last year I gave 4 public speeches on surviving suicide and depression. And, this year I hope to become a Peer Specialist with the state helping other people overcome depression. Sharing my story has allowed me to pray with people, cry loved ones who lost family suicide,
speak to a crowded auditorium in Virginia Beach about how God is helping me overcome. As much as I feared sharing this part of this life it has healed me, and connected me to people all over the world. So please know from the bottom of my heart if you are reading this blog it means the world to me. I am working on my first Good Girl Chronicles memoir.
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| Speaker at Suicide Prevention Walk in Gloucester |
My Amazing Post Depression Victories
As hard as last year was... I had some amazing moments that I don't think I applaud myself enough for.
*Dating- even with all my heartbreak, being 100 pounds overweight, and awkward I ventured into the dating world again last year. I deserve an award for that alone. I didn't always make the best choices, but I found myself again; my sexuality, my desires, and even with all my mistakes I finally feel I deserve a good man.
*Socializing- I used to dread being in public. I know that is so odd to say because I was a television reporter, but I developed an almost crippling social anxiety during my last depressive episode. It got so bad I literally just stopped working. The thought of being in a reality store around people gave me anxiety attacks. 2016 I socialized in a major way. I started power walking at the
mall, networking a HUGE events where I had to speak. I'm super proud of myself for getting back out there.
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| Grand Opening of BiConnect an amazing business organization I joined last year |
*Acceptance: I can't tell you how many times I said," I live with depression and anxiety also. I understand." I got so used to saying it, I told strangers. Accepting my depression was so hard in my twenties especially when I was a reporter. I stopped taking my medication when I thought I had beat depression, and felt so much anger when it came back. Swallowing that little pill every morning, going to a psychiatrist, therapist, and monitoring my triggers all came with acceptance. No matter what the world thinks of people with mental illness, I will not let depression/anxiety define me. I have and will do incredible things with this illness. ( I hate calling it an illness)
*Standing Tall: When I was a teenager I never stuck up for myself. I let everyone walk on me; bullies, bad girlfriends, boyfriends.. you name it they walked on me. Post depression I've become brave enough to fight back. I can tell people when they have hurt me and I try not cower. I can express my anger, forgive, and move on. That feels damn good. I've finally cut off toxic people I've always been afraid to live without.
*NEVER GIVING UP - Post depression was no cake walk. I had to sell the first home I ever owned, leave my family, spend months homeless, broken hearted, and alone. So many days I wanted to throw in the towel, go back to that dark place, maybe end it all. BUT - I CHOICE to LIVE daily! Everyday I tried so hard to live, not carry my sorrows on my face, be blessing to someone else, and work towards a place of peace. I am so incredibly proud of myself for continuing to live even when it looked like I had nothing to live for.
*FINDING FAITH - When the world took everything, Father you were all I had. I am thankful I know you. One of my favorite scriptures says, "Delight thyself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of you heart." (Psalms 37:4) I have delighted in you, in ways I never knew I could. I called on you on the days I had joy, and the days I didn't. Your word comforted me in ways no man could. You kept me safe those cold nights sleeping in my car, couch surfing with strangers, walking the streets, and feeling hopeless. You kept me hopefully. The book of John changed me Father. I am nothing without you. And, when you restore me, I promise to testify about this long wilderness I've been in, the comfort you gave, the people you sent, and the manna from heaven. Delighting in you has been my greatest lesson post depression. Here's to another year....
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