Breaking My Silence
Living in silence about my mental illness was second nature to me for a very long time. It was just one of those things you were told not to talk about. Looking back even in my serious relationships I can only remember talking to one of my boyfriends about my anxiety attacks and depression. One! He was a hot Navy Corpman named Javi who tried with all his might to love me through my depressive states, anxiety attacks, and my desire to withdrawal. I recall one night when I when started to hyperventilate over a tense conversation we had, he laid with me on the couch, and soothed me to sleep. I will always love him for that. But over time he saw my depression as laziness, and anxiety as weakness and he eventually left me. Like so many others did.
After that for nearly two years I wallowed, and almost killed myself in the roughest depressive episode I've ever experienced. Silence was all I knew then. I remember days at a time when I wouldn't speak to anyone except my mother. I thought no one could possibly understand the roller coaster of numbness, sadness, self doubt, hatred, and loathing I experienced on a daily basis. Thankfully, the fog of depression did start to lift after months of therapy, anti-depressants, and reconnecting with my faith. It was a spiritual calling that prompted me to start blogging about surviving suicide, trying to live with depression, and how I was trying to live in recovery. One January morning while I was watching a Joyce Meyers program I heard Joyce speak about depression and mental illness. The more I listened the more I felt something began to break inside of me. The shame, and guilt I felt of my depression was falling away. And, I felt God say to me, " Lauren you need to share your story, because when you do it will set you free and so many of my children free also." Joyce quoted this scripture in 1 Peter 5:8
"Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, and stand firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings." - 1 Peter 5:8
The last part of the scripture stuck with me , "the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings." It made my heart ache for all the people around the world suffering in silence, held in bondage of their mental illness, and I wanted to be a source for change. A means of expanding the conversation about mental health and showing people there is no shame in living with a mental illness. This is why I am so vocal and open about my mental health journey; the good, bad, and the ugly parts. I am currently writing my memoir about the fall out of my mental illness and the hard road to my recovery. Meanwhile, I'd had two amazing opportunities to share my story with two mental health organizations I highly respect.
This is My Brave
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| This is me wearing a 'This is My Brave' amazing shirts |
This is My Brave is an amazing non-profit that highlights the story of people living with mental illness. Their philosophy is storytelling saves lives. They have a show that tours the country where people share their experience through song, essays, arts, or performances. It's incredible and I hope to go to a show one day. This past month they featured me on one of their blogs. I shared my experience of learning acceptance. Follow this link to read it. 'Road to Acceptance'
Fireflies Unite
Fireflies Unite is an amazing, new podcast dedicated to expanding the conversation about mental health in the black community. The founder Kea is a suicide attempt survivor like myself and is doing incredible interviews highlighting the truth about mental health in the black community. Kea came across my story on Twitter and invited me to do an interview with her last year. I shared my story of one of the hardest parts about my mental health journey, homelessness. You can listen to my interview at the FireFliesUnite Website.
I am pursuing some other places to feature my story and I'll keep you posted on those. I am most excited about the prospect of my memoir being published this year and diligently working to make that a reality.
As always you can support this dream with a donation to my Go Fund Me Page
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