Sweetener
I wish it was sweet again.
Sugary like the first love note I got in school.
Reading it made my face warm to the touch, my heart pump with excitement.
I wish it was delicious again.
As tasty as those apple pie crumbles we ate on our anniversary.
Sitting close to you in one of those booth seats.
Together in a moment, writing a history filled with so many indulgent possibilities.
I wish it was as sweet as that Tevin Campbell song.
Where’s he’s trying to find the words to say.
But words get in the way.
I wish it was as innocent again as the sunflowers you sent to my job.
I mentioned that I like them because they do anything to face the light.
I will gaze at those yellow petals for minutes on end, and think of our chance meeting.
It was oh so sweet then.
I wish it was sweet again.
Like honey, sugar coated, candied, overwhelming, enveloping.
How your whole face lights up when I enter a room.
That slow grin that burst into a GQ smile.
You are proud to know me in intimate ways, simple ways, beautiful, and broken ways.
It was oh so sweet then.
In the backyard of your parents place where I gave you a ring
Inside was my first name, your last, and a promise that I was your forever
You beat back tears.
No woman has ever shown you this type of love.
No man has shown me this kind of devotion.
Our love is too luscious to contain to ourselves.
So we didn’t.
We hold hands in public, sneak kisses at parties, dart glances in the car.
It was oh so sweet then….
I wish it was sweet again.
Like those nights in the live truck when you’re pepping me for the last show.
I am scared, and depressed.
I am struggling and afraid.
You remind that I’ve got this, it’s like we always do.
Minutes later the words come out, I put on the show.
Just like you said I would.
It is like we always do until it isn’t.
Until it is only darkness
Until my thoughts are all black, until my heart breaks in two
Until I lost faith, until my soul nearly breaks.
Until it feels like I am staring up from the bottom of the barrel
Then it isn’t.
The sugar dries, up the sweetness too.
I was jaded. I was broken broken
I was used and sometimes abused.
I felt nothing, I felt anger, I felt lust, and shame too….
Where is the sweetener for a girl like me?
Can it ever be sweet again like the Tevin Campbell song, like that time in Roanoke? Like that time overlooking the Lexington mountains…. like grocery shopping on Sunday, like walking the dog on the trails behind our apartment, like eating Chinese food until our stomachs hurt.
Like Drinking beer and playing Mario Kart til midnight……
Can it ever...can it ever be sweet again…?
I wish it was sweet again
Like all those love notes we wrote when we lived 5 minutes apart
Like an email years later...when you tell me I was the love of your life…
And maybe in another life time… in another heart beat we could be sweet again too
God can it ever be sweet again….? I sure hope.
My hearts needs it too.
It aches for the sweetener that lit my soul,
I longs for the sugar that seems to make whole…
Can it ever be sweet again?
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