Life After Depression: I AM THAT I AM

When God said I would be a new creature I don't think I fully understood what He meant. He meant new creature. All of the things about myself that I hide my depression, my love of Latin men, rap music, confusion about math, and ability to appreciate the female form are all coming to the forefront of my being. This is who I am, who I always was.  Like God told Moses to tell the Israelites, "I AM THAT I AM." I am! Simple I am me! 

My whole life I have wanted to be perfect. No, I needed to be perfect. I did not want to let my parents down, or anyone down for that matter. I needed people to see me as unbroken. I knew in my soul one day I would be a role model, an example, or a light for other people. These are the secret petitions of my heart. God whispered in my ear when I was very little.

“Lauren, your love of books, writing, and learning is beautiful. We will use those one day to help so many people,” God said.

I would often laugh when God talked to me this way. I mean here I am a Mississippi Navy brat just trying to survive on these mean streets of base housing. How did He see us being on the cover of magazine, speaking at conventions, pushing government to get real on mental health, connecting with celebrities who share my pain? The list goes on y’all. 

Honestly when Kanye West says,” These dreams be waking me up at night.” I know what he means. 

I have had a fire for these passions since I was a little girl watching WWF (thats before it became WWE) with my great grandmother and playing with my Jasmine Barbie. (interesting combo there right?) Now here I am 31 years old, three months out of the worse depression of my life and God is telling me to set myself free. Break free from the chains of judgement, disapproval, and disappointment. They have held you hostage for too long. It has compelled me to date men my friends wanted me to date, to miss opportunities out of fear, and tolerate hurtful people in my life because I didn’t want to be alone. I sat silent because I did not want to hurt people’s feelings or challenge their beliefs.  I became a door mat because I felt being strong would be too much for people to handle. I did not want to be labeled a bitch, cocky, or arrogant. We see what that is doing for Kanye West. Sure he is rich and has a hot wife but the vitriol people speak about him is unthinkable. The dude’s a rapper why are we expecting him to act like the Pope?

But, no more. I AM THAT I AM. I am a complicated role model. I love T.D. Jakes, but I also love Lil Wayne. I am a Tomboy who loves to play with makeup and dress sexy like Beyonce. I have a big ass and boobs too big to talk about and sometimes I like showing them off. (there is a time and place for everything under the sun). I did not wait until I was married to be intimate with a man, but I still believe I deserve a good Godly man. 

Some of the music that sets me free from anger or hurt is laced with curse words. Shout out to the new boo Tory Lanez, the old ones like Lil Wayne (I really like him yall) Kanye West, Jay Z, Chris Brown thank you for Dueces, Drake, Nicki Minaji, Eminem, Tyga. I could go on all day. I also love Norah Jones with a passion, Cold Play, Christina Aguleria, Demi Lovato, Jlo, Katy Perry. These women give me life because they have experienced heart break, depression, and renewal. By the Grace of God is by Katy Perry and spoke to my heart so much after this recent heartbreak by a man who claimed to never love me.

I AM THAT I AM. I love boy t-shirts but I just bought some killer tight dresses from Bebe and I plan to strut my stuff in them real soon. I mean not like at Kroger or Food Lion. Come on people I do know boundaries. I have a few functions I’m scheduled to go to where I plan to slay, and show curvy women you can have it all a big butt, and a smile. Look at me now.

I am soft, sensitive, and sweet. Sometimes when I get really angry I cry not because I am sad but because the anger is that strong. So if you see me cry when we argue, you really done done it.  God is making me tougher. I have little patience now for people who disrespect me, call me out my name,try to tell me how to live, offer unsolicited advice, advice I know is against what my Heavenly Father says. Eat this, take that, sleep with him, date him. People I know you love me but God’s got me. If you feel God has put it on your heart to share something with me great if not please hold you peace.

 I no longer will be silent when someone disrespects me. That part of me is over. If you come for me or my God you will see frustration or anger on my part. I will strive to be respectful in disagreement and I hope you will do the same. God did not make us all to agree, He did however make us to love. So understand if we argue, get heated, or exchange cross words please know I am praying to let it go the minute it is over. I want to argue like men do. Let’s fight, yell, and then the next day let’s wash our hands of it. We have too much to do and too little time to waste on petty grudges, and misunderstandings. 

It’s time to ‘Let it Go like that chick in Frozen said. LET IT GO. Here's is Demi Lovato's version! I love her !she slays @!

I AM THAT I AM. I am done with my past, past loves, past issues, past hinderances. I have made peace with most of my exes. Some still have not made peace with me and that is ok. I can tell you all of my intense, earth moving loves have moved on. They are married, they have children, great jobs. Now it is time for me to do the same. I am talking to a guy I will call City Hall. He is younger than me, but he is mature. He is funny and considerate. He is a hard worker, but also a dreamer. He is a father, and a good provider. He is not perfect and he knows it, but everyday he tries. His family means everything, and he goes hard for them every way he can. He helps his brother like all the time even when he’s tired from his own responsibilities. I see you City Hall, and if I can I will help you. Oh yea, and he’s Latin. He’s Latin, not important but since I wrote  about loving Latin men I’ll come clean. He is Latin. That is just how I love. I go hard for those I care about. That’s the God in me. I AM THAT I AM. We may not work out, but I won’t regret helping another one of God’s children even if it turns out we’re better off as friends. This is how I want to love now. God show me how to love like you.

I AM THAT I AM grateful to all the strangers on Twitter who want to help get my book published,  gave me computer advice, shared their music, writing and dreams. I love you so much for believing in my dreams. You don’t even know me and you want to help me. That is God right there.

Special thanks to my new artist friends who I promise I will meet one day @marionfielder @kayladams you dolls were the first to follow little ole me and I feel we are all kindred spirits. 

Thanks to @LinseyDavis how did you know a little tweet would set my heart on fire? Did you know I always liked you the most on Good Morning America ? I said to myself, “Lauren if you go national, carry yourself like @LinseyDavis. 

To the first FAMOUS person to follow me the (guy from vampire diaries) thank you hottie, and good luck with your music. 

To the everyday people like me who pour into me on Twitter and read my blog thank you. I will even say thank you to the haters who debate with me about Donald Trump, black voters, and call me being a washed up journalist. Ha! Just wait to see what God has in store for me next, it will be far greater than the job I left or the dream I thought would sustain me. Trust. God said it’s time to go to work, and Lauren Hope plans to work.

Love you, Love God More

Lauren Hope