A Closed Door: Letting Go of those you love Prt1

I wanted to preface this blog by stating every man I date knows I am a writer. They know I write about love and relationships. They know that if they screw up, or succeed they could end up in my blog or book. I’ve even had some ask me for a chapter. Some have threatened to sue me.  Neither was successful. This is free speech. My intent is not to be vengeful, it is to help girls like me move on, let go, love hard, and grow. That is the truth.

I was going to write a blog about being unpopular, but this blog has been on my heart since I listened to a Christian podcast. If you are curious it’s called ‘Right to Real Love.’ It deals with loving, growing, breaking up and making up as a Christian. It’s good stuff I suggest you subscribe.

First off this is not a revenge piece, but I am about to get my Taylor Swift on. That girl airs all of her dirty laundry out in her music, and I love it. People misunderstand Taylor’s song are not about her exes it about freeing herself, and hopefully helping good women like me realize some men are just dogs. The millions of dollars she gets for those songs don’t hurt either.  Now I’ve met some amazing men recently so I can say, “Ladies there are good men out there; men who will love at a size 16 or 20. or a size 2". I’ve met several of these type of men and they are fabulous.

The boy I am writing about, and I was will say boy because he’s being childish, will think this blog is about him. Again, this is not about you, it’s about me and hopefully like T. Swift I'll show another good woman it’s time to let go. I have a girlfriend right now who in my opinion needs to let a man go, but for some reason she can’t. I can’t bite my tongue but I will love her through it.

I want to start by saying I am sorry to my girlfriends, my dates, and my God for complaining about this boy. It has been obvious from jump street that this man never loved me, never respected me, and quite frankly used me. But, I loved him so deeply I choose to ignore these things. I guess I should start at the beginning.

Since this boy introduced me to some of the best music I know I’ll call him Lyric. I met Lyric about three years ago. He was a fan of my work on-air and had reached out to me online. The attraction at least on my part was instant. He had a boyish smile, he loved to laugh, and he loved talking even more. I mean come on ladies, a man who loves to talk, you jump on that. As days turned into weeks I spent every free moment on the phone with him discussing artists we loved, our jobs, our dreams, and our secrets. I felt free with him. But, looking back I was a complete idiot.

During the infatuation phase ladies sometimes we choose to ignore important shit. Like the fact that Lyric admitted to cheating on his ex-girlfriend or the fact he really had no clue about what he wanted to do in life. I am an ambitious person and I need someone on to be on their grind too. But, I turned a blind eye to some major flaws in him because I was as Anita Baker says, “Caught up in the rapture of love.” Lyric was very honest about who he was. He told me he was unfaithful to the love of his life, the only woman he ever imagined marrying. And, now that fierce, beautiful, black queen has moved on. She is about to marry a strong, black man and I honestly am glad she got out from under Lyric because in my eyes he’s not ready to change. But, I’m getting ahead of myself.

When Lyric told me he cheated on his woman this, I didn’t run for the hills. I comforted him and told him I understood. On some level I did understand. I've had wonderful, great men cheat on me. I don’t have proof but I’m certain the love of my life stepped out a few times in our relationships, and we had discussed marriage also. I won’t air all of Lyric’s mistakes out there, because no human is perfect, but this was not the only time he messed up this way. It also wasn’t the only time I let him back into my life and back into my heart after he did it.

Another red flag during our whole friendship was he never once asked me to be his girlfriend, and our relationship spanned over three years. But, in a lot of ways we acted live a couple. I sent him care packages, letters, and pictures. He did the same. I visited him when he lived in another state, and I fell in love with him. Whether he will admit it or not I truly feel a part of him loved me too.

Our story was a roller coaster. He would mess up, I’d curse him out, and we wouldn’t talk. (Yes I do curse sometimes) I would miss him and he would charm his way back in. Even when he decided to be unfaithful again with a married woman I tried to love him through it.Even though this goes against everything I believe about marriage.

 What freaking idiot does this? You see the man you love doing stupid shit and you stay? You say to yourself, “Ok, he’s not giving you what you need, but just sit here and try to be the perfect girl until he realizes you.” I’m here to tell you it won’t happen. He never committed to me, because I never made him. What’s a shame is I kept giving him myself and he kept taking, but he never gave me his heart. EVER!

I’ll also admit this as many of you know I went through some tough life trials last year. This blog is not about that time, but I pushed a lot of close people away from me. During that time Lyric called a lot. He was so concerned that he reached out to my mother on Facebook and asked her why I walked away from my dream job in television. I felt terrible that I didn’t answer the dozens of calls he made, and the desperate plea he made to my mother, but I had no strength to let anyone comfort me. I can only say I’m sorry, but that was the darkest period of my life and I wanted no witnesses. 

When I finally got out of the sadness valley Lyric was one of the first people I called. I fully expected him to curse me out, and tell me how childish I had been. He’s done it before, but this time he was compassionate. It warmed my heart that instead of anger there seemed to be some level of understanding. We caught up over the phone and so much of me expected that we would fall in love the right way this time. Again, I was a freaking idiot. This blog should be called freaking idiot, because I can see now where I made so many mistakes. He never ever, ever asked me to be his girlfriend during our relationship. But he would say things like this, “I’m so jealous.”

“Why ?” I asked.

“Your boyfriend is taking you to Ruth Chris and my chick won’t even call me. I want to take you out,” he would say.

 When he said things like that it gave me hope that he did really love me. But, honestly the only time he ever really pursued me was when I was being loved someone else. That should have been a HUGE red flag. 

MESSAGE: Ladies if a man does not in some way state his true intentions with you, get out. A man who likes you, wants to bed you, or love you will show you. Trust me. He will say you are beautiful, he will hold your hand, he will flat out start clearing things out of his life to make way for you. I’ve seen it done so many times. But for some reason when I saw Lyric wasn’t doing it, it made me want to love him harder.