This Is What It Is To Miss You

 I've been looking through some of my old writing and I found this gem. I wrote this about the loves of my life. They were beautiful, but tortured. I have come to accept he was not the one. So here from the value of Lauren Hope circa 2011, 'This Is What It Is To Miss You'.

Rain is hitting my widow pane, and with each drop memories of you wash over me. The way you looked at me like there was no one else in the room. The depth I could see in your eyes, like you really saw me, understood me, and with that understanding came a love that neither of us ever imagined.  I miss the way I could feel butterflies in my stomach right before you were about to kiss me. It’s this build up of tension, anticipation, and excitement. I can imagine feeling that same anxiety waiting for you to kiss me at the altar. I don’t know of any other man who made me feel like that. Almost every kiss was like that. I miss the way your lips felt against mine, soft, subtle. 

I miss how I could lose time in your arms. This is what it’s like to miss you. In the morning, I’d turn over and reach for you, and you always reached back, embracing me. I miss stroking your face, waking you up, seeing you smile at me. I could always feel the desire, and passion you had for me, in the way I walked, the way I moved, you made me feel a kind of sexy that empowered me. The darkness in your room, the soft music playing, the gentle kisses, how much I wanted you, the feeling of your light skin against my brown skin. Even though there is so much time and distance between us I can still remember what that felt like. I still shiver when I think about those moments. This is what it’s like to miss you.

 You had the cutest laugh. In no way am I a comedian, but you always found humor in my silliness. The inside jokes only you and I knew. We created this world of our own. No one really understands the bond between us, but it doesn’t matter. I loved being in your world. The way you listened when I cried, and gave the kind of comfort that always made me feel like I could fight another day.  You were the kind of rock I always imagined having in a partner, a true friend, a real lover, my man. You heard my voice, and at times gave it meaning when I felt lost. There were so many times you picked me up, and each time I always felt stronger. This is what it’s like to miss you.

 In this quiet room with the storm passing over me, I remember so much of what we weathered together. I left those storms weak, tired, angry, and weary. And, I can’t get back to that place, the place you and I built. There are so many times I wish I could go back to that place… those moments when I was your lady and you were my man. Why can’t we go back to that place? Why can’t the clouds escape me? Why can’t I let go of my disappointment, my hurt, my pain?  Missing you is a tormented feeling.   No more are the phones calls that would last hours, no more are the mornings we’d lay in bed, no more are the kisses I longed for. And, somewhere in missing you I’m trying to find me. The me I put aside to love you, the me I neglected to support you, the me I never knew. The more I let go of you, the more I find a little strength in me. But, that’s not to say it doesn’t hurt, that I don’t look back and remember the way you loved me.

This is what it is to miss you. This was our song--- it always makes me think of you. I remember our time, I smile, I cry, I get angry--- but I move forward for the man who choose me first, love me completely, and be proud to call me his baby.