When I was growing up love was never short in abundance. My mom showered us with kisses, hugs, compliments, and approval. It's why sometimes I still ache for her bear hugs. In her arms I feel unconditional love, and acceptance. We don't earn love in my family. It is given freely. My mother and I have this love that is unparalleled in my life. She is the kind of woman who gives with every fiber in her being. I've watched her give up sleep, or comfort to help a friend. On countless occasions she has made huge sacrifices for someone who in need. From the bank teller, to the employee at work with a bad attitude my mother always tries to help people. When we go to the bank people know her, and they get these excited smiles to see her, and dish about their lives. Every week she drops lots of dollars buying treats for her employees who are not always grateful. She even has a way of making strangers feel special. With her larger than life smile, and big laugh, she has this way of making people feel at home. And, while my mother is tough she is also very genuine and tender. I've heard her share with people little pieces of her life in hopes maybe they will understand everyone goes through struggles.
This is how I learned to love.
As a woman of faith my mother taught us little Comptons that love is one of the best, most precious things you can give. And, our Father is not selective about who He loves. From the prostitute to the wealthiest of Kings, our mighty God loves everyone.
This is how I learned to love. I don't know any other way.
But, somewhere in watching my mom give love so freely, I tossed to the wind the lessons she tried to teach me about wearing my armor. My mom loves with an intensity that ignites fire in some people. It's the kind of love that motivates you to be better, do better, and try harder.
My mom would always tell me, "Baby, you got to save something for yourself. You can't give people everything."
It seems the only lessons I retained well, where the ones about loving intensely. Somehow I disregarded the lectures about protecting your heart. And, in the process of trying to love so hard I've been hurt, cut deep, and I wonder if I am the only person to blame.
I am a walking open book. There is little about myself I won't share, especially if I know it can make someone else feel better. My humor is self-deprecating. I'll offer up jokes, and punch lines about myself to make someone else smile. It doesn't hurt me one bit. I am not a defensive person. I will welcome you into my world, my heart, and my space with little provocation. Some people find this refreshing. There are no walls to jump over to know me, no game to spit, I love sharing with people. Sometimes when I'm falling in love, I'll give so much of myself I feel overexposed, naked even. And, somehow I hope stripping down to the bare essentials of myself will prompt others to do the same. I'm learning now not everyone handles hearts with care.
I've opened to so-called friends, only to have them use that information against me. I let my guard down with potential loves, only to have them push me away, and then trample on my tender feelings. I have confided in friendly faces only to have them gossip, and slander my good name. And, in all of this I am not angry, I am not defensive... I am hurt, wounded, and confused. Why would anyone use something so innocent to be so cruel ?
My friends tell me, my heart is too big, but I really think they are calling me soft. They say I need to be more careful, I really think they are telling me I'm a not smart with my feelings. I know they mean well, and many are tired of seeing me give so much and recieve so little in return. Trust me, I am too. I agree I do need to revisit those lessons mama gave about protecting my heart.
"Don't let people trample on you baby girl. You don't have to put up with that."
"You teach people how to treat you every day Mena."
"Stand up for yourself baby. Remember your peace of mind is more important than any friend, lover, or circumstance. Don't put up with just anything. And, remember we love you no matter what."
This is the kind of love that reminds you no matter how many people mismanage your heart, mama and the family will always be there.
I hear you mama. I will try to build the protective gates around my heart you told me about. And, my gatekeeper will pay extra close attention to who gets to come on the inside. As I am sitting here overexposed again, with little to show for it, I know that this kind of defense system is ok. It's doesn't mean I won't continue to love hard.. .. I just need to love smarter.
No comments:
Post a Comment