My first suicide attempt was at the age of 30. Two years ago, before my 31st birthday I decided I wanted to end it all.
|Me during the worse depression of my life|
But inside I was NUMB! I literally had no feeling. At the time I was on an anti-depressant Brintellix I believe, and a mood stabilizer called Ambilify. (side effects are increased suicide thoughts) That day on a may afternoon right before my nightside shift I decided I'd fade to black.
No one knew my pain, because I hide it well. I covered my tired face in makeup. I told the men I loved I was getting better, and my I never spoke a word to my girlfriends with the exception of Jade (read about our friendship in the blog 'Beauty and the Cute Girl). I honestly thought no one would understand my pain, and no one could help. In hindsight I was wrong, but my depression couldn't let me see that help was out there.
Now this is MORBID, but I had been researching ways to die for weeks: drowning, hanging, chemicals, anti-freeze. I had decided on overdosing since I saw so many celebrities go that way. I KNOW THIS IS SO MORBID, but it's my truth.
TO BE CONTINUED......