The Bravery of Telling Your Own Story : (This is My Brave & Fireflies Unite)

Breaking My Silence

Living in silence about my mental illness was second nature to me for a very long time. It was just one of those things you were told not to talk about. Looking back even in my serious relationships I can only remember talking to one of my boyfriends about my anxiety attacks and depression. One! He was a hot Navy Corpman named Javi who tried with all his might to love me through my depressive states, anxiety attacks, and my desire to withdrawal. I recall one night when I when started to hyperventilate over a tense conversation we had, he laid with me on the couch, and soothed me to sleep. I will always love him for that. But over time he saw my depression as laziness, and anxiety as weakness and he eventually left me. Like so many others did. 

After that for nearly two years I wallowed, and almost killed myself in the roughest depressive episode I've ever experienced. Silence was all I knew then. I remember days at a time when I wouldn't speak to anyone except my mother. I thought no one could possibly understand the roller coaster of numbness, sadness, self doubt, hatred, and loathing I experienced on a daily basis. Thankfully, the fog of depression did start to lift after months of therapy, anti-depressants, and reconnecting with my faith. It was a spiritual calling that prompted me to start blogging about surviving suicide, trying to live with depression, and how I was trying to live in recovery. One January morning while I was watching a Joyce Meyers program I heard Joyce speak about depression and mental illness. The more I listened the more I felt something began to break inside of me. The shame, and guilt I felt of my depression was falling away. And, I felt God say to me, " Lauren you need to share your story, because when you do it will set you free and so many of my children free also." Joyce quoted this scripture in 1 Peter 5:8 

"Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, and stand firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings." - 1 Peter 5:8

The last part of the scripture stuck with me , "the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings." It made my heart ache for all the people around the world suffering in silence, held in bondage of their mental illness, and I wanted to be a source for change. A means of expanding the conversation about mental health and showing people there is no shame in living with a mental illness. This is why I am so vocal and open about my mental health journey; the good, bad, and the ugly parts. I am currently writing my memoir about the fall out of my mental illness and the hard road to my recovery. Meanwhile, I'd had two amazing opportunities to share my story with two mental health organizations I highly respect.

This is My Brave

This is me wearing a 'This is My Brave' amazing shirts

This is My Brave is an amazing non-profit that highlights the story of people living with mental illness. Their philosophy is storytelling saves lives. They have a show that tours the country where people share their experience through song, essays, arts, or performances. It's incredible and I hope to go to a show one day. This past month they featured me on one of their blogs. I shared my experience of learning acceptance. Follow this link to read it. 'Road to Acceptance' 

Fireflies Unite

Fireflies Unite is an amazing, new podcast dedicated to expanding the conversation about mental health in the black community. The founder Kea is a suicide attempt survivor like myself and is doing incredible interviews highlighting the truth about mental health in the black community. Kea came across my story on Twitter and invited me to do an interview with her last year. I shared my story of one of the hardest parts about my mental health journey, homelessness. You can listen to my interview at the FireFliesUnite Website.

I am pursuing some other places to feature my story and I'll keep you posted on those. I am most excited about the prospect of my memoir being published this year and diligently working to make that a reality.

As always you can support this dream with a donation to my Go Fund Me Page

Last Week of My Daniel Fast: When It's Time To Let Go

The Art Of Letting Go

The dictionary defines purge as:

1. 1.

   rid (someone) of an unwanted feeling, memory, or condition, typically giving a sense of cathartic release.

   free someone from (an unwanted feeling, memory, or condition).

   • remove (a group of people considered undesirable) from an organization or place in an abrupt or violent manner.
   • remove a group of undesirable people from (an organization or place) in an abrupt or violent way.

     atone for or wipe out (contempt of court).
   • physically remove (something) completely.

noun

noun: purge; plural noun: purges

1. 1.

   an abrupt or violent removal of a group of people from an organization or place.

   "a purge of the ruling class is absolutely necessary"

   synonyms:

   removal, expulsion, ejection, exclusion, eviction, dismissal, sacking, ousting, eradication "the purge of dissidents"

In my last blog I noted how God brought to the surface so many broken, hurtful, painful moments in my life. It's like He went under the rug where I kept all my sins, mistakes, all my hardships, and drug them out. I felt myself surrounded in the smoke of my abandonment, rejection, homelessness, despair, and dashed dreams. I cried. I tossed and turned in my bed with dreams of the life I was once knew. I prayed, and pleaded for God to release me, to move to a place of acceptance, and peace. While I am not completely there with God's amazing grace and love I am getting there everyday. I can feel it in the moments I don't speak ill of people who hurt me. I can see when I am able to turn the other cheek. I can sense it when I can exhale in the midst of my emotional triggers. God is changing me, breaking me free of the past that hurt so bad to live in a life of glory like I never thought possible. In therapy I am voicing the things I've kept secret for too long and purging them from my heart. I finally feel ready to part with some of the physical reminders of my past. 

I am one of those kind of people that attaches a memory to almost anything. I first realized this after a major depressive episode in my twenties. When my family came to my small one bedroom apartment, they saw my house was a mess full of unnecessary items and trash. When they tried to help me give away some of the clothes that were blocking entry to my bed or objects I no longer used; I felt tears welling up in my eyes. Every item of clothing held some memory to me. Now years later I still have articles of clothing that take me back to a former life. When I was a television reporter I lived in New York & Company clothes. I was proud that I could afford them, and that I could fit them in the single digit sizes. I have lugged those clothes around with me from storage unit to storage unit while I was homeless last year. I no longer had a job that required me to wear the nice business attire and I certainly didn't have the frame. But those clothes symbolized my success in so many ways. It signified the time I could afford a mortgage, trips, nice makeup, and haircuts. They also hold the memory of dozens of live shots, crime scenes and moments as a general assignment reporter. A career I worked hard for and took great pride in. I can tell you the stories I covered in certain pieces of clothing. 

During the last part of my fast, I kept being confronted by a verse I have come to love.  

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here?-2 Corinthians 5:17

I was determined to get to a weight where I could wear my old T.V. clothes again. But then I felt God say, "Why? Why do you want something that was?" 

I had no answer to that question. I guess apart of me wanted to feel the way I used to feel in those clothes. As much as God is restoring me I often long for what my life used to be; prosperous, exciting, financially secure, loved. But, every time I heard or read the verse in 2 Corinthians I felt God saying, "Lauren, your walk with me is making you new. If you truly want to experience the new season, the new joy, the renewal  I have for you; I need you to let go of the old."  I pondered on that for a few days then remembered this scripture from the book of Matthew.

"Neither do people pour new wine into old wineskins. If they do, the skins will burst; the wine will run out and the wineskins will be ruined. No, they pour new wine into new wineskins, and both are preserved."- Matthew 9:17

 In an essence God was saying how can I bring you something new if you're still holding onto the old. You can't pour new wine in old wine skins. It can't hold it. The same goes for life. God can't fill you with the new if you're still holding onto the old. So last week I gathered a box full of my old t.v. clothes and I am going to donate them to the clothing closet my employer is creating to help people in need. It is not easy, but I am ready to purge. I am ready to let go and be made new. This Daniel Fast has been so incredibly restorative and challenging. If you considered a Daniel Fast, I encourage you to give your body rest, make time for God's presence in your life, and be ready to go where He takes you.

I am down 10 lbs after my Daniel Fast

 I have so enjoyed this blog series. Next blog I will be blogging about what restoration and rebirth means to me. I will also be blogging on my mental health advocacy and plans to continue sharing my story to a larger audience. 

Joined Weight Watchers after the fast.

Help me reach my dream of taking my book and story national. Donate to my Memoir Fund!You will reap the reward of knowing you a sowing a seed in a woman God is rebuilding for a larger purpose. You can donate at www.gofundme.com/teamgoodgirl 

 

The Daniel Fast: An Emotional Purge

The Daniel Fast is based off the story of Daniel in the Bible. In captivity under the king, Daniel refused to eat the King’s food. The king's food that had been submitted to false god.
Instead Daniel, ate from pulse meaning things that originated from seeds; fruits and vegetables. After 10 days Daniel, 
and his friends who followed the fast were the strongest warriors of all the men the king had captivity.

Later in the story of Daniel God gives him the power to interpret dreams. It is this gift that gives Daniel 

favor with the king. (Check out Daniel 1:2 for this story)

I find it interesting that after a week into my Daniel Fast I 
found myself in the clutches of intense dreams.

Some were nightmares others were magical, pleasant dreams. After, discussing the dreams with my therapist it 
became clear the nightmares were my minds way of 
dealing with family trauma, hurt, and abandonment. I had tucked away these feelings under my emotional rug sso to speak. And, with good reason. There is no way I could have survived being homeless, being depressed, feeling alone, and fighting to live a life of normalcy if I had confronted these feelings then. During my fast I have not only removed certain foods from my life, I have 
removed certain distractions. Instead of going to Facebook first thing in the morning I spend time with the Lord; writing my feelings, calling His name in prayer, and listening to a sermon on 
YouTube to focus on thinking. 

Without all these distractions I’ve had time to really deal with the demons of my past. And, 
let me tell you it has not been easy. There have been nights of crying, pleading with God for 
release from the painof the past, and silence.

I wonder if this is common during a fasting time. In the Bible several prophets and figures in the 
word fast before big decisions. I think of the story of Esther. How her friend asked her to go before

the king and make a request. She was afraid and uncertain. But, she took some time of fasting 
before she made her decision. Ultimately she goes to the King, and has favor. My fast has shown me more than anything that I need to focus on my own walk more, and in order to truly be set free I have to let go of the pain of the past.

This is my first grocery trip on the Daniel Fast

THE FOOD - I also wanted to share some pictures from the food I've been eating during my Daniel Fast. I am in love with smoothies which consists of almond milk, strawberries, flax seed, and bananas. I am also learning to snack better on apples, bananas, and watermelon. These are good healthy habits I plan to keep after the Daniel fast. I am so proud of the discipline I've been able to have concerning food. I am down seven pounds and learning to face my feelings instead of eating them.

Oats, cinnamon, and apples

First Week of Daniel Fast: Focus On Your Own Plate

Focus On Your Own Plate: Lessons From Week One Of 

My Daniel Fast

You have spent minutes going back and forth through the menu. Everything looks so appetizing. After the waiter has come back twice to get your order you finally settle on what you decide to eat. For the moment you are content with your choice, happy with what is coming your way. Your food arrives. Steam is rising off the hot contents of your plate, the aroma hits your nostrils, and your stomach is grateful. Everything on your plate seems amazing, fulfilling, and worth while. That is until you look at the person’s plate next to you. They ordered something different, something new, something you have never tried. You find yourself gazing, salivating over what is on the other person’s plate. And, suddenly what you ordered doesn’t seem so appetizing anymore. I am finding that life is a lot like that too.

One of the things that makes me doubt myself most is when I compare myself to others. I look over on someone else’s figurative plate and see a devoted boyfriend, a dog I so desperately want, good pay, and exotic vacations around the world. Then suddenly my single dogless, non-traveled life doesn’t seem so great anymore. This was especially hard for me when I was homeless. I would scroll through Facebook for sometimes hours at a time longing for the joy I saw in other people’s posts, and pictures. Now that I am focusing more on my personal walk with Christ and what He has blessed me with that curse of comparison doesn’t haunt me as much. But, as I started this Daniel Fast, once again God has had to remind to keep my focus on my own plate. 

I decided to chronicle my Daniel Fast on this blog and on social media because this is an experience unlike anything else I’ve ever done. My life is an open book anyway so it seemed like the natural thing to do. The minute I started posting about my Daniel Fast I was met with jokes, opposition, and a whole lot of shade. “Why are you denying yourself,” people said. “You are not authentic because you are sharing your fast on social media?” The comments made me second guess my motives. I lost my focus of my plate. Then a friend that committed to doing the fast with me broke fast on New Year’s Eve to eat food with her family. I felt disappointed, and let down. Then I heard God’s still voice ask me again, “Who is this fast for? Why are you doing this? Is this for me, people’s approval or for yourself?” In that moment I had to remember that this fast was to strengthen my self control and find some direction from God.  If I keep the right focus the shade the world serves me for deciding to fast won’t matter at all. And it shouldn’t. 

I learned this week that if we are constantly looking over at other people’s plates i.e lives we will never find contentment in our own. We will always never feel good enough, successful enough, pretty enough or full. But if we stay focused on what God has placed on our plates alone we will always feel prosperous. And, I truly believe that God will not bless us with more if are not content with what He’s already provided us with. 

This has been a valuable lesson, one I will continue to remember beyond the 21 days of my fast. Interestingly enough self control with the food has been the easy part. I have prepared meals in advance and managed to steer clear of temptations. I even went to Barnes and Noble on a coffee meeting and drank plain hot water. That is a major step for me y’all.