Tonight I broke from my usual Sunday night routine. I cleaned up the house, and sprayed some really sweet vanilla room spray. I took a nice long shower, then mused over these cute tanks I was saving for a special day. I decided on a silver, shiny tank top and some black tights. I pulled my hair back, and put on some really cute eyeshadow I just bought. I looked in the mirror and I smiled. It almost felt like I was getting dolled up for someone special. When I was coupled, I'd get dolled up whenever my boyfriend came into town. I would play some soft music, dance in the my bedroom, check myself out, as I waited for my boyfriend to arrive.
But, tonight I'm doing this for me. There will be no boyfriend visiting tonight, no love to notice my new eyeshadow or cute shiny top. And, that is ok. I do not know how long I will be in the Land of Singlehood. It could be a few months, or a few years. And, in the meantime, there will be a lot of lone Sunday nights. Instead of lounging in sweats, watching reality t.v. and falling in asleep on the couch. What if I took a little time to celebrate the fabulousness of me. I am the only me I'll have my whole life, and in the meantime I need to treat myself a little better. I don't wait to for a man to make me feel special, or wanted, or pretty. Because as mama always said, "You got to love yourself first, before you can love anyone else."
Monday, February 6, 2012
Just looking at it makes it hard to resist the temptation. I know I should push it away, but I just have to try it. I run all those little sayings I’ve learn to say in these moments of weakness, and they are not helping.
One taste won’t hurt. Just take one bite. It will make you feel better.
Before long my fork is slicing through the spongy, chocolate cake. I pause for a second, and think, ‘A moment on the lips is a lifetime on the hips.’ But I can’t stop now it’s too late. The soft chocolate cake is swirling around in my mouth, and for a few seconds I can only feel how good it tastes. It doesn’t take long for me to finish off the whole piece of cake. The guilt wouldn’t be so bad if this were my first relapse, but I’ve fallen in deep this time.
For the past two ok honestly three months I’ve slide back into my old eating habits. The habits I overcame doing Weight Watchers: mindless eating, eating when bored, eating while driving. So here I am 10lbs heavier and really ashamed it got this far. It’s time to come clean. I've been eating for all the wrong reasons lately. I have eaten to mask being homesick, to relax after a long day, but mostly because I love eating. But, it's time stop all that.
In the next few weeks I plan to dig out of this food relapse I’ve fallen in and get back on track. I’m running the Monument 10k March 31st and I want to back in running form. No more peanut butter and jelly sandwiches before bed, or frequent stops to the frozen yogurt joint. I’ve discovered it’s not all that healthy if you pile chocolate and candy on it. There should definitely be some kind of disclaimer at those places. No more snacking, and snacking, and snacking at work. It will be a hard road back I’m sure to slim and healthy, but I’m ready.
My challenge this week resisting temptation.