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Thursday, May 19, 2016

A Love That Almost Broke Me: Letting Go of Those You Love Prt 3

This is another tough one! One of the rawest things I’ve publicly shared about my past love Lyric. We knew real love, but I can’t wait for another broken man. Lauren Hope is moving on, and in telling this story I am shedding my past to live in my present, and pursue my beautiful future. If you have ever been broken-hearted, betrayed, or left by a broken man. I am sorry, but know this with some tears, good girlfriends, a good journal, and an amazing God you can let it go. You can live again, you can love again. Just look at me……..

The beach where we shared our last weekend

Dear Lyric,

You don’t get to forget me. I will never forget you. I stumbled upon our pictures early this morning. Instead of hurt or anger they brought me joy which I think it means I am finally over you. I can look over those pictures and smile at the way you held me that weekend, kissed me in the morning, and loved me in a way I never knew. I can remember how I cried by the beach because I knew I would never
see you again. I knew you didn’t love me like I loved you. I knew you still held her in your heart, a higher place than me.   I knew then and I know now I’m a woman worthy of being number one. So when I left you that weekend I was furious, mad, pissed, and fuming that once again in our love affair you didn’t choose me.

I know now you never chose me the way I choose you. You never put me first. Even after all the nights we talked until the sun came up, lay on the phone until I fell asleep, I was never enough for you. I was the woman in the John Mayer songs yet you choose to keep chasing after your ex-fiance, who had moved on. I was the woman in the Jessie Ware song ‘Wildest moments’ but you chose to cry over a woman who didn’t value your heart or your soul.  I fell in love with music all over again after I met you. Every song, every tune meant something new. Music, lyrics, poems lit my heart on fire loving you. Remember when we’d play that game where we each played songs about the other?  You were my  person ‘Out on the Ocean’ , the person in Norah Jones ‘Come Away with Me, you brought Sade’s song ‘By Your Side’ alive me to me again. You were the man in Christina Aguleria’s ‘Loving Me for Me’ track. My Wreckless Love like Alicia Keys said. You were my Nick Lachey in ‘With You’.
Lyric I was there the whole time, waiting for you to love.

From the outside, everybody must have been wondering...why we tried
Maybe in our wildest moments we could be the greatest.. maybe in our wildest moments we could be the worse of all. That was so us Lyric.
You were my Saint Patricks' Day. This was up. We fell for each other in the fall, and by spring I wanted to have all of you...

From that first night you messaged me on Facebook and said you had a t.v. crush on me, to the last night I cursed you out in anger that once again you were crying for an adulteress woman that broke your heart.  We were amazing friends. The best friendship I’ve ever had with a man. That is what real love is based on. Yet you never thought I was worthy of the title girlfriend, but I gave you my heart anyway. Whether you want to admit it you gave me yours. I cherished it up until the moment it was clear that skinny bitch that broke your heart was more important to you. After that I did not care. I spiraled out of control. I said hurtful things, did things I’m not proud of. I cut men off, became numb to love, and along with my troubles at work I sank deep into the worse depression of my life. I do not blame you for my pain, my valley, or my suicide attempts, but it was a nail in the coffin that was my old life. It was one of the things that sent me over the edge. Even now I cry when I think about how lost I started to get after you rejected me. I had exalted your love and your opinion far greater than it should have been. It was my everything.  I loved the way you loved my sister, my mother, and my crazy family. I thought you took me flaws and all. I stand before you today, honestly proclaiming I took you flaws and all too.

Lyric it didn’t matter. I loved you; your failed dreams, your broken heart, your mistakes, your bad mouth, your struggle with God, your lost path--- I could go on forever talking about how much of you I was willing to love.  You were there with me when I got my dream job in Hampton Roads. You applauded me as I told stories I always dreamt of, touched people’s lives in ways I didn’t know possible. In all those moment it was you. It was you I raced to tell about my best live shot, my best story, the praise I received from viewers. It was you I wanted to rush to talk in the morning, fire up the Facetime to hear your funny laugh, crude jokes, and humor. It was your opinion that mattered more than anyone else’s. It was you who made me believe that God gives us more than one soul mate. You helped me let go of Mr. GQ I man I wanted to spend forever with. You helped me forget the past hurts of my past my loves. It was you Lyric who helped loved me whole again. I believe God brings people in our lives to do that.

To be continued..........