A little something I wrote a few years ago when I was so deeply in love.. one of my first intense adult loves... I like looking back on these moments. It's lets me know that real, deep love is possible and I'm worthy of it.
He started as a mental fantasy. The kind
of man you envision when you have a bored moment to yourself. The kind of man
you stare at from afar and turn away when he catches you staring. For a few moments you
and that kind of man drift away to a warm, summer day. The two of you are
having a picnic like in the movies. He feeds you strawberries and you looking
simply gorgeous in your spring dress as you devour his presence. You lean in
for a kiss and suddenly your boss is tapping you on your
shoulder to get back to work. You realize you drifted off into a dream and you try so hard to
put that kind of man out of your brain. Sometimes I feel all good
dreams stay just good dreams. But if you are a hopeless romantic you believe in the possibility of that kind of man loving you. The thoughts send your heart, and mind on a mission to find him. You are thinking of the endless possibilities
of you and him. The places you will go, the people you will meet, and the love you
will have. When I met "that kind of man" I tried desperately to fight falling for him.
I returned from my winter holiday refreshed
and relaxed; but I dreaded going back to work. But there he was “that kind of
man”. The man I said I would forget over my holiday break. Seeing him again made me weak, and uneasy. I tried to avoid his eye contact as I walked passed him.
He stood there seeming a little disappointed that I didn't give him my time. I tried to act like seeing him didn’t affect me,
but when I got home I kept seeing him his face, smelling his cologne. I kept replaying his smile
and the awkward hello we shared. What do I do with these feelings?
I told myself I could not have these feelings. We worked together, and it would only make things hard. What started as friendly
flirtation at work, turned into an outside-work friendship; one that introduced
me to the sport of hockey, made me stand in freezing, gusty, 40
degree weather to watch him play soccer.
It was a friendship that was once handshakes
and smiles that progressed to hugs and warm embraces. Everyday got more interesting. While I’ll tried to deny it, there was obviously
something between us. What that something was intrigued me enough to accept more friendly
visits, more sweet text messages, and more day dreaming at work. In the
workplace we act as all co-workers do, cordial and polite. We don’t talk about
the great time we had together, or how fine he looks in those booty hugging
pants. Even now I get distracted. We act professional and later
we’ll discuss office politics with one another and laugh.
What if this friendship with “that kind
of man” could be something great? One of those relationships you dream about,
or one of those friendships that last beyond a work place romance?
My infatuation with him is deeper than how beautiful he is. For someone so handsome,
some of the smallest compliments can make him blush. There is something
adorable about that. He is the kind of guy who appreciates good comedy and laughing. We would find ourselves quoting the same Dave Chappelle one liners. He is the kind of
guy that still opens doors even though you can do if for yourself.
He is the kind of guy that lets you order first. The kind of guy whose voice you save
on voicemail to replay because you want to cherish how he says, "I miss you honey." He is the kind
of man who calls you gorgeous, cutie, and beautiful for no reason.
He is the kind of man I could fall for. The kind of man I could love.
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