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Wednesday, May 31, 2017

Why Nice Guys Are Finishing Last in Love

There are a lot of reasons why nice guys finish last. I know because I am a nice girl, a goody two shoes if you will. It wasn’t until I learned my worth and started to love myself that I really starting winning in love and life.
I’ve been a self proclaimed good girl my entire life which makes me a magnet for self-deprecating nice guys. Don’t get me wrong, nice guys are amazing. I’ve dated some douche bag playboys and nice guys are refreshing. But, honestly most of the men I’ve dated and given my heart to weren’t your typical nice guys. One was a bad boy from the Bronx, another a suave bald headed man who took my breathe away at first glance, an over confident technology geek, and a sometimes arrogant Navy Corpsman. All of these men exhibit something some “nice guys” seems to be lacking: confidence.

I have had so many nice guys cry on my shoulder about always being friendzoned, never being good enough, and women only wanting pretty boys. I’m here to tell you--- we don’t need muscles, games, good looks, or roses--- but almost all of us want a confident man.
Some reasons I think “Nice Guys” are losing in LOVE
1.They can’t let go of the past hurt, rejection or loss: I recently met a “nice guy” during a really rough patch in my life. He was kind, and generous when I needed it most. He literally offered me shelter, food, and a kind ear. He showered me with compliments, and seemed instantly enamored. We inevidently got to talk about about love, and how he often felt passed over. He seemed slightly bitter about the women who loved and left, and broke his heart. As kind as he was his bitterness made me friendzone instantly. Even though I was in a vulnerable state his bitterness was a turn off. It made me defensive and wary of opening my heart up to him.

When you speak to a woman about your past particularly in the early stages of a relationship how you talk about it and whether you've made peace with your past speaks volumes. No one wants a 'Bitter Betty'. We want to hear if the experiences made you bitter or better. If you are still bad mouthing your baby mama, or harping over women who have hurt you, it makes us want to run for the hills. It says to us you are still dealing with some residual hurt, and many times that scares us rom giving you a chance.
One of my best friend male friends is one the nicest men you would ever want to meet. As much as I love him I often hear him recalling love from more than a decade ago, regretful, and sad. Sometimes I want to shake him and say, "Dude let that shit go! It's in the past." He always seems so fragile and delicate about it I never have the nerve to tell him, his past is keeping him from his future.

 No offense nice guys, but how is anyone going to love you if you’re holding onto hurt, failed relationships, and anger from the past? When women hear these things they are HUGE red flags. They tell us that you are not emotionally ready to give you heart to someone. I don’t believe there is space in your heart for anger, bitterness, and love too. It isn’t until we let go of the past that we open doors for the future.
2. Find Your Own Swag ! What is the sexiest thing about a person? While physical attributes are important, the most attractive thing a person can wear is confidence. There is nothing that drives me more crazy than a confident man with swagger. A man who knows his value, what he wants his life, and knows what he has to offer is the shit. Every man I’ve said, “I love you,” to had this trait. They were all confident in who they were. Confidence is electric. People want to be around confidence.

My first adult relationship with was with a computer tech at the community college I attended. At first glance he was not my type physically. Every time I came to the computer lab, he’d greet me with “Hello beautiful, so when are you going to let me take you out?” I’d usually roll my eyes, get my computer pass from him and find a cubicle far away. One night I let him walk me to my car, and he charmed his way to a first date. He told me with confidence I wouldn’t regret the date him and if I gave him a chance he’d make me feel like the most special girl in the world. I rolled my eyes.
Jay walked around like he owned the joint wherever he went. He walked with his head up, complimented himself, and always believed that anything was within his reach. After a while, I saw what he saw in himself; a strong, confident, sexy man with drive. GOD I love confident men. I was wildly attracted to him when I saw what he was seeing. Not to mention he did exactly as he said, every date with him I felt like the most beautiful, special girl in the world. He was never afraid to hold my hand, kiss me in public, and remind me of my beauty makeup or not.
3. Fear of Rejection: Fear holds so many nice guys back.  Asking someone out can be scary. Trust me I’ve done it. You are a bottle of nerves. Will they say, yes? Do they like me? Sometimes we place our self worth on whether a person accepts a date or not. If that person says no, you think to yourself it must say something about you. You are not attractive enough. You are not cool enough. Those thoughts tear you down, and it prevents so many nice guys from going for it. Love and dating is all about risks, but I encourage you to not to put too much stock in rejection. Don’t let that be a reflection of who are you. I’ve been friendzoned A LOT, but it never makes me stop trying to find love. Love is all about chances… but you can’t be too afraid to try. You miss every shot you don't take.
4. Know Your Worth - When you know who you are, what you have to offer, and why that is valuable pursuing love is amazing. I recently read Jennifer Lopez’ memoir ‘True Love’. In it Jlo chronicles the year she did her first world tour, and her divorce from Marc Anthony. Turns out Jlo discovered that through all her relationships she was seeking love and validation from the men she dated rather than herself. In the end she realizes the truest love of all is the love we have for ourselves. PREACH SISTA! I know exactly how she feels. After my last breakup, I was so empty. I was constantly seeking affection and love in all the wrong places and all the wrong ways. It wasn’t until I connected with Christ again, and starting falling in love with me that I learned that the love I have to give is amazing. It is making me more careful about who I share my heart with and fierceless in life and love.

I am a child of the most high God, beautiful, favored, smart, funny, charming, a go-getter, a lover of Christ, a passionate friend. And when God says the time is right I’m going to be an amazing partner. Because I am finding my worth, I can see all around me people are seeing it too. Men are asking me out ( quality men too) , opportunities are coming my way, and the joy I feel is incredible. I want that for all my nice guys too.

 Ask yourself --- who are you? AND do you love who you see in the mirror? If you can't answer those questions, dating needs to take a back seat. Do some soul searching, prayer, reflection, and love who you are before attempting to love someone else. 

I challenge you NICE GUYS - if you are hurting from the past-- deal with it, move on, and let go. The liberation will allow you to welcome love into your life. I challenge you NICE guys to LOVE YOU FIRST. You can’t love anyone else to you LOVE YOU! It is so true.