2018: The Year of Bold & Courageous Rebuilding

This year I asserted that 2018 would be the year of my rebuilding. My proclamation was based on one of my favorite scriptures,

“I will rebuild you again, and you, Virgin Israel will be rebuilt. Again you will take up your timbrels and go out to dance with the joyful.” - Jeremiah 31:4

In a lot of ways I have rebuilt a lot in my life this year:

The Rebuilding of my health

    I managed to lose 20 pounds this year. I am not quite at my goal weight. I am determined to be under 200 pounds in the coming year.

The Rebuilding of my Finances

    Thanks to a generous friend assisting with legal fees I was able to declare bankruptcy this year. I was overwhelmed with medical bills, credit card, and collections from my year of homelessness. My credit score is improving and I am slowly learning better budgeting habits.

The Rebuilding of my Independence

    This year I was able to live on my own in studio apartment. Being able to pay my own bills, find a good work/life balance rebuilt a lot of confidence in myself.

The Rebuilding of Boundaries

    In therapy I realized I had little to no personal boundaries. I realized that telling someone no is not mean, and that speaking up for yourself is a form of self love. And, people who do not respect your boundaries do not deserve your time and energy.

The Year of Being BOLD AND COURAGEOUS

2018 was also the year of taking BOLD and COURAGEOUS leaps! Towards the beginning of the year I felt God whispering to me, “I can’t bless what you don’t step out on. It reminded me of Joshua 1:9

“Have I not commanded you to be bold and courageous.”

All the dreams and desires in my heart can never come to pass if I am not BOLD enough to make a move. I prayed for so many things this year, but apart of me didn’t want to make a move unless I was sure I would succeed. I have felt like a failure in so many areas of my life the past few years and it often makes me afraid to take chances. This year I can honestly say I took that command from Joshua 1:9 and MOVED BOLDLY.

Hosting The Kevin Hines Movie “The Ripple Effect” : Kevin Hines attempted suicide off the Golden Gate Bridge when he was 19 years old. After reading his powerful memoir about his attempt and mental illness I happy to learn he produced a documentary about his story. The movie is being shown on-demand only. I decided to host a screening in Hampton Roads. To my amazement over 90 people came and I landed an interview on a local lifestyle show called ‘Coast Live’. I later hosted a screening in Lynchburg, Virginia. This required so much courage, and I am proud of myself for taking the leap. Play this clip to hear about the emotional accomplishment.

Auditioning & Performing in This is My Brave : This Is My Brave is a non-profit that gives people living with a mental illness a platform to share their stories through stage shows, and blogs. This year I attended a This is My Brave show in Arlington, Virginia and decided to audition for the next show. I was accepted as a cast mate, and shared my story of first expericing anxiety attacks. It was such a moving experience for me. This is My Brave inspired me to blog about BOLDLY about my suicide attempt and mental illness. I was also able to met the co-founder of TIMB Jennifer Marshal, a person role model of mine.

Taking a Chance on Love with Mr. Blue Eyes & The Beast I am pretty cynical about love, and relationships with men. I have trust and abandonment issues, and when I look at the desires of my heart being coupled is not one of them. HOWEVER, for a moment allowed myself to let someone in my life romantically. Neither situation worked out, but I am proud of myself for trying. And, I can say that even with my emotional bag I sincerely tried to make these situations into something beautiful.

Adopting my Fur Baby Boo I was lonely so many seasons this year. At times the loneliness made me anxious other times it made me super depressed. My psychiatrist gave me approval for an

emotional support animal. For weeks I browsed adoption websites, but stopped. Doubt, fear, and panic paralyzed me. I wondered if I could care for a dog. I remembered having to give up my last dog when I was on the street. But, this summer shortly after my birthday I decided to give it another try. Late July I found a small Chihuahua named Jayden at the Norfolk Humane Society. He was scared, shy, and barely let me touch him when we first met. In about three weeks I saw Jayden who I renamed Boo slowly warm up to me. The fact that this little four legged being found safety and comfort in me gives me a sense of pride I didn’t think I could feel again. Every morning when I lift up the covers and see his big brown eyes staring back at me I’m thankful I believed in myself enough to adopt him.

Launching Good Girl Chronicle Storytelling Nights: This year I have hosted 4 storytelling events and given more than a dozen people a chance to share their truths publicly. I attempted to host events like this two years ago with little to no success. The encouragement of a stranger who saw something in me something I didn’t see in myself encouraged me to try again. Thank you Christina. Each month the events are becoming more dynamic, more attended, and more powerful. It is also reaffirming the calling I believe God has placed on my life to show people the power of sharing their testimonies with one another.

Other 2018 Accomplishments

Charitable Giving: Close to $500 in donations to non-profits such as The American Foundation fro Suicide Prevention, This is My Brave, The Burfoot House, and the Chesapeake Area Shelter Team

Hosting Shatter the Silence , a regional suicide prevention event for teenagers. The gig stretched my talents as an event host, and was an incredible opportunity to connect to local youth.

Speaking Engagements: Keynote Speaker for Bedford Hike for Hope, Regional Peer Specialist Conference, 2 Out of the Darkness Walks

Became a Certified Peer Recovery Specialist

Nominated to the Virginia Chapter Board of the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention

Being Awarded The Hope Award by The Bennett Center for my mental health advocacy and motivational speaking

Baptism February 9, 2018

LIVING BOLDLY, COURAGEOUSLY!

Here’s to 2019!

   

For bookings visit www.goodgirlchronicles.com or email teamgoodgirl84@gmail.com

No Thank U, Next: The Ex Regret

Ariane Grande’s song ‘Thank U, Next’ is an anthem for women who have learned that sometimes ex loves are not always meant to be our forever, but can teach us valuable lessons. The beautiful kicker in the song is when Ariana realizes the best person she learned love from is herself. The catchy hook of ‘Thank U, Next’ seems to empower you the more and more you sing it. Each time you recite the chorus it as if saying you are over your ex, you believe that there will be a next chapter in love, and you have moved on.

But, for some of us single women ‘Thank U, Next’ doesn’t speak directly to our plight. Some of us have dated a bunch of train wrecks who have wasted our time, energy, and emotions. And, unfortunately the lessons we learn from these dudes are so brutal it makes us never want to try again. No, there is no NEXT here.

Here is a look at some of the train wrecks in love I wish I could have avoided. I have written about a few of these men in former blogs.

A Fling with Mr. City Hall

Ah, City Hall was so handsome. He wore fresh suits, his beard was always groomed, and I loved that he was a little bit hood. I should have paid attention to that last part. I met this Latin love at Richmond City Hall where I was trying to fight a parking ticket. Hence his nickname. When I met City Hall I was more overweight than I am now. And, I was trying to piece my life back together after spending two years in a deep depression. The thought of a man ever finding me attractive seemed unthinkable. So when I slide him my number and he called back it made me feel seen.

PAUSE! MESSAGE: Women please hear me when I say this. If you do not yet love yourself, This is not the time slide numbers, slide into DM’s, slide off a dress. Take the time to learn yourself. Find out what makes you happy on your own. If you seek love and wholeness in a person or something outside of yourself you are setting yourself up for failure. This is the hardest lesson I learned from City Hall. For three months, I willing let City Hall use me. And, maybe a big part of me was using him too. Our escapades felt sexy, adventurous, and movie-like. But really I was just a broken, insecure woman looking for validation in the arms of a man.

City Hall once told me that he never trusted women because this hot model looking chick cheated on him and broke his heart. For a moment I thought there was a really warm, sweet guy under his gangsta exterior. There wasn’t.

When I was realized I was side piece, I cursed him out and things got scary. He threatened to find where I lived, told me he always carried a gun, and even created fake social media accounts to write hateful things about me. Yeah, it turned ugly quick.

I wish I loved myself more back then.

The Model

Any of you have that one friend who said she found the love of her life on Tinder? Well I do. She’s a successful career woman, and somehow landed a seemingly normal, successful, wholesome man on Tinder. It gave me a glimmer of hope.

After signing up for the app and swiping a few times, I thought maybe my friend and I were in two different universes. The Tinder I got was full of lonely Navy men looking for one night stands, men who wanted pictures of bare feet, and pictures of my underwear. What app was my friend using?

Why did I stay on Tinder with all these creepy men? There was something intoxicating about smoking, hot men swiping to see me. When I started using Tinder I felt super ugly and unattractive so whenever a handsome man and I had a match it sent adrenaline down my spine.

I met a young Navy guy this way. He was five years my junior, with chiseled six pack abs, soft brown curly hair, soft lips, and hands. Our relationship was purely physical. There were no dates, or good morning texts. But we talked about our faith journeys. We stayed up late nights watching old episodes of Flavor Flava’s reality tv show.  He wanted to model after the Navy but he only 5’2 and super self conscience. When I was homeless he let me come his apartment to shower, and sleep. And there were moments I thought we’d have this Demi Moore/Ashton Kutcher affair. But a relationship built on nothing meaningful isn’t strong enough to deal when the going gets tough.

One night I had an anxiety attack so scary I called the ambulance and spent the night in the hospital. When I pleaded for him to come sit with in the ER, he refused, and called me crazy, and psychotic.

I could have done without that also.

The Boston Bear

After too many hot messes like City Hall and The Model I decided I needed to take a break from all dating apps. For a year I focused on myself, I joined a church, I started working out, and I found a job at a hotel at the Oceanfront. At work, I heard a rumor that a squeaky, clean white guy from Boston had a crush on me. The first few times I laughed and rolled my eyes. What did this square white boy want to do with a woman like me? I had done things and seen things I’m sure he never could imagine. I scoped out his Facebook page, more than anything else I saw innocence. I saw pictures of a former Navy boy who didn’t like the spotlight. In all his pictures he was somehow in the back, almost like a ‘Where’s Waldo’ kind of things. He was easy not to notice. It was cute. All of the men I had messed with up until that point were cocky, bravado kind of men. Men who only used charm to get what they wanted from you. The Boston Bear’s innocence was endearing and rare for a man in his thirties. It was refreshing, and the primary reason I reached out to him. I was drawn to his innocence. He never mustered the courage to message me or even speak to me the few times we passed each other at work. It was a far cry from the men who flatly asked for sex after first dinner dates, or a few swipes on a social media app. And, somehow the fact that this innocent man liked me made me feel worthy of that kind of attention.

MESSAGE: It should not have mattered who the Boston Bear was. I should have known I was worthy of a gentleman, an honorable man. It didn’t matter that I had some bad deeds in my past or sins I was atoning for. Everyone person deserves to be treated with respect. I did not see this when I started dating The Boston Bear and I believe it’s a big reason I ignored so many signs that we were not meant to be together.

Before long this sweet, innocent man invited me to live in his home, and use his car. His innocence also allowed me to ignore so many, many red flags. His finances were in disarray and he spent money recklessly. He seemed to salivate on work place drama and gossip. He had no clear plan for achieving his goals. God to him was a genie who gave blessings after a few prayers. But,  I wasn’t completely straight with him either. I always kept my real self at arms length because I didn’t think he could handle it. The messy me, the homeless me, the broken me, the depressed me, the regretful me, I was careful to never show those parts.I tried to play the role I thought he needed. I cleaned. I cooked. I made his bed. I prayed for him, invited him to church. After three months our differences became more apparent. I decided I no longer wanted to be dependent on a man for shelter and decided to start looking for places to live. Then it all fell apart. With a text he told me he’d need me to move out sooner than I anticipated. It ended with my all of my belongings put outside his apartment locked door, him me to my now former co-workers.

MESSAGE: Don’t ever look for something in someone else that you need to heal in yourself. I was sad about losing my innocence. I was sad about the things I did to survive as a homeless woman and somehow felt I could be restored by loving a seemingly wholesome man. I desired it so much I let it blind me to the fact that Boston Bear and I were not equally matched. But, I can see now in hindsight I was not the only one who went in with impure intentions. The Boston Bear loved showing me off, loved that he had landed a curvy black woman, loved coming home to a woman taking care of things. His father had a smoking hot black woman on his arm too, and I think dating me was in some ways trying to emulate his father. Neither of us were in positions to love. We were two unsure people trying to find comfort and foundation in someone else.

Maybe Ariana Grande is right —- the first relationship we have to honor is the one to ourselves. We have to make the choice to love ourselves, be patient with our hearts, gentle with the words to say about ourselves, and and accepting of our mistakes. As I have learned if we don’t have the love for ourselves nailed no other love will work. Here's to loving me first in the New Year.

Lolo’s Love Life: The New Age Beauty & The Beast

Can You Really Love A Beast?

One my best guy friends lovingly calls himself a beast. It is his way of asserting his ability to conquer some of life’s toughest adversities. And, I can’t say I disagree. The Beast can juggle multiple jobs at a time, and somehow still have the energy to party. The Beast was homeless as a teenager, and felt the sting of family abandonment. He still managed to graduate college, and pay his bills. The man has beast mode down.

I love how The Beast seemingly never cares what anyone thinks of him, how he lives life on his own terms, and his speaks his mind no matter who is listening. He makes me laugh, and we bond over our mutual experiences of homelessness. But, as much as I like The Beast, I could never date him. I like a confident man, but The Beast is borderline cocky. Many times at work he brags about being the sexiest man on the staff, having a big dick, and his sexual exploits.

For a year The Beast and I are fair weather best friends. He’s the kind of friend you don’t hang with weeks at time, but when you do the connection is strong. He picks on me at work, and calls me uptight. But, then there are moments when I see a glimpse of a real prince in him.
Like the time he took over at work when three rich time share owners yelled at me over soiled hotel sheets. The hotel cleaning staff had walked off the job. I am overwhelmed, and not sure what to do. The Beast rolled up the sleeves on his collared shirt, took off his tie, and personally changed the sheets himself. 

Photography by: Sarah Eliza Bell

Then, there are moments when he comes through when no one else does. Like the time he listens to me cry on my 33rd birthday about my fucked up relationship, my loneliness, and feelings of worthless. Or the time he drives me home even though it’s almost an half hour out of his way. Or the night he invites me out for my first ever orange crush, and even though I feel like shit, he calls me beautiful. And, I believe he means it.

I remember how angry he got when I told him about my mom. “She’s missing out on a beautiful spirit. Fuck her Lolo. She doesn’t deserve you,” he said.

I remember the deep shit he shared about his childhood, information I know he didn’t willing share with everyone.

While I vowed to never give the Beast my heart something about him feels like home. Then it happened…..

The Day It Changed

Something tells me I shouldn’t. I should not cross this line. I know who you are, the women you have slept with, the false promises you have made. I’ve spent a year knowing you, keeping you at arm's length, being your emotional pillow when you see fit, comforting you in crisis.

I want to kiss you, but I know I shouldn’t.

And, now I am driving your car, we’re going to the movies like you always promised we’d do. You are drunk and vomiting words I can’t believe I am hearing.

“I think you’re amazing. I wish you saw me as someone you could be with. I’ve always wanted you. You’re the most special woman I have never met.”

I laugh nervously, shove your arm, and tell you to stop.

“That alcohol got you tripping bro.”

We never make it to the movies. We’re sitting on your couch, lights dim. You want to kiss me. Everything in me says I shouldn’t. But a part of me wants to believe what you are saying. That you feel built to love a woman like me. You saw my beauty in the lowest parts of my life. You saw that and still find that desirable enough to love.

So I lean in. Our lips meet and it’s better than I imagined. Softer than I could have thought. And, I think that maybe just for tonight I’ll let myself believe you can be the man for me.

We drink. We laugh. We share all the moments we thought something was happening between us then played it off. I am drunk in the surrealism of it all. You, kissing me. Me, kissing you. This is wild.

The next day, I swear it was all a fluke. I drive home. You call, and say, “This is for real.”

And for a while — this thing, you and me is good. You give me a key to your place and I feel safe. You say you can try celibacy and I let my walls down. You affirm me and I feel like maybe I could just love you. You open your heart to me, and I think maybe I didn't really know the depth of your pain. And when you see the God in me I think for a moment it sparks something in you that you can do life differently. You let me read the word to you, and I see the wheels in your head turning. I think maybe you know life can be better than doing it in your own strength. I think maybe you can be the man worthy of loving a woman like me.

Then you fall back into the familiar - the man who calls when he pleases never when he says. The man who makes promises but has no intentions of keeping them. You become The Beast again. The Beast who is so wrapped up in himself that he doesn’t see I’m drowning again. I tell you what I need and you still don’t come through. You hide behind alcohol, male bravado, and your ego. And, I need you to be a friend, to hear me, to see me, to be there when you say. I try to be the bigger person, remain friends, let you lay your burdens on me, while never trying to help carry mine. I use a calm voice, I listen even though my emotional well is dry.

I am disappointed. You know the abandonment and rejection issues I fight to conquer daily so I can trust people.

Maybe not every Beast turns to a prince.

This is the new age Beauty & The Beast story. The story Walt Disney’s wouldn’t dare write for fear of jading girls too young. The Belles of the modern age are beautiful in spite of a life of heartache, brokenness, and despair. Her beauty is how she learns to love herself, put herself back together, and somehow still be willing to love again.

The modern Beast, more often than not doesn’t transform. He doesn’t leave his childish ways behind. He doesn’t soften. He doesn’t come through. Instead he uses his Beastly charm to keep bedding, keep wooing beautiful Belles, leaving broken hearts when he leaves.

But,we all keep trying… because we know that someday we will experience the thing or meet that person who makes us want to be better for the loves in front of us, makes us want to step up to the plate, makes us want to be the person our love desires.

Because—- no matter how many heart breaks we experience the mere chance of meeting a prince maybe it’s worth encountering a few more Beasts to get there.

Maybe ….

Good Girl Chronicles: An Expanded Vision

They say visions or dreams are the reality you see with your eyes closed. My vision of what Good Girl Chronicles LLC can be is huge, exciting, and impactful. But, when I open my eyes I often wonder how I’ll ever bring that dream into my reality. After my last storytelling event I am actually starting to believe my vision can be reality one day.

This past month I hosted my third and most attended storytelling night. More than 40 people attended the event featuring eight diverse speakers at a local brewery in downtown Norfolk. A local video company View It, Do It provided live video stream of the event on Facebook, and a popular food truck called Got FISH LLC had people lined up down the street for some of their amazing seafood.

As more and more people piled into the brewery, I found myself moving chairs to make room for people. I thought to myself, ‘This is really happening. I may have found that thing that defines Good Girl Chronicles LLC’

Two years ago when I started Good Girl Chronicles only a few friends attended my events. I was homeless, hotel hopping, but still trying to make Good Girl Chronicles event successful. Some days it was the only thing that gave me purpose or drive to get out of the bed in a season of brokenness. I remember night after I would give a big speech when I was homeless. I’d take whatever speaking fee if any and spend a little to keep my phone on, get a hotel for the night to shower, and for a few moments I let myself believe Good Girl Chronicles could sustain me. So to see people believing in this vision is breathtaking. It leaves me speechless when I think of the small community I’m building through storytelling.

I want to thank all the storytellers who have participated in my events the last few months and all the attendants who supported it. Your donations have allowed me to invest in Good Girl Chronicles and donate to the American Foundation for Suicide prevention. I am close to reaching my year goal.

Next Event: I’m hosting another storytelling night December 16, 2018 at Bearded Bird. There will be an ugly Christmas Sweater contest, a great lineup of speakers, and I hope sparks of hope that motivate people to make a change in themselves and their community.’

Click here to register: https://www.eventbrite.com/e/good-girl-chronicles-storytelling-night-ugly-christmas-sweater-edition-tickets-51852263516

Season of Giving

Many nights last year I’d lie awake in the shelter crying for comforts of home. I remember listening to this Mariah Carey song called ‘Almost Home’ and trying with all my might to believe that if I just held on God was going to give me a feeling of home one day. Other nights I’d lie awake wishing I could something for all of lying on the church sanctuary. I’d wish I could mend the broken hearts, give second chances we all so desperately wanted, give something tangible that showed someone cared. The last week in the shelter program I went into my storage unit and gave away as much as I could; coats, dresses, bags, makeup, CD’s. All tokens from my once successful life. I vowed then to find a way to give to the homeless when my situation was better.

For a long time I struggled with how I could possible give to anyone. I have a car that barely works, inconsistent income, and bills I can’t pay. But in prayer I heard God say to me, “I’ve given you everything you need to sow into others. Look in front of you. You have everything you needed. “

I replied, “I have a interactive social media audience and some amazing business connections. What can I do with that?”

Me with board members of Abba List

When I thought about it harder, I could do a lot with that actually. This summer I hosted a popcorn fundraiser with a local business called TasteBuds. Through social media, my business connections, helpful friends we raised money for the shelter program, the Chesapeake Area Shelter Team, the very shelter I stayed in last year. This month Good Girl Chronicles hosted a paint night with a local company called Splattered & Poured and the Starving Artist. With half the proceeds from this fundraiser I’ll be buying Christmas gifts and self care items for a women’s shelter in Chesapeake called Burfoot House.

I know in my heart God wants us to be a blessing to others. Sometimes I think we get so caught up in our lack that we don’t see God has provided us beautiful ways to serve and give. Sometimes it’s our money, sometimes it’s our time, sometimes it’s a kind word.  But we all have something to give.

Good Girl Chronicles Receives First Award

Good Girl Chronicles is opening all kinds of opportunities for me to host, and emcee community events. In November, a hosted The Bennett Center Heroes in the Community awards gala honoring notable community leaders giving back in Hampton Roads. The list of recipients are doing remarkable things in the community like creating an affordable grocery story, helping domestic abuse victims, and mentoring youth.

At the end of the awards gala, a friend of mine, and local comedian came up to present a surprise award. IT WAS ME! I literally started crying like I had just won Miss America. I was given the ‘Hope Award’ for my work as a mental health advocate and speaker. I really can’t describe the joy I felt being honored in this way. It was a huge reminder that the work I am doing is purposeful and necessary. The award was also named after me and will be distributed every year in my honor.

Also if you read this and want to contribute to Good Girl Chronicles mission, you can make a donation at my GoFundme wwww.gofundme.com/teamgoodgirl

A Good Girl Chronicles Play Review: A New Look at Romeo & Juilet

I must confess I am not an arts connoisseur. At museums I find myself feeling silly when I’m done viewing a painting in five minutes and another person is gazing at it for ten minutes. So I was a little self-conscious about my artistic intelligence when my friend and Good Girl Chronicles contributor Jacquelyn Grace asked me to come see her perform in Regent University’s adaptation of Romeo & Juliet. You know the tale of two star-crossed lovers from opposing families who (spoiler alert) die at the end because the world won’t let them be together. I’ve only ever seen Romeo & Juliet in movies: one with Leonardo Dicarpio and the other with Gwyneth Paltrow. I left both thinking is love really worth dying for?

I also wonder how theater companies keep this old Shakespearean play relevant. The Regent University production placed this age-old tale in the backdrop of the sixties: a time of free love, a country torn apart by the Vietnam War, and fractured by class divisions.

Romeo was played by a tall, chiseled fellow. He is the leader of a band of silly hippie cousins and family members. Juliet, on the other hand, comes from a rich, uppity family. For some reason, in all the depictions I’ve seen of Romeo and Juliet, I felt very connected to the characters in this play. I don’t know if it was because my friend Jacquelyn Grace was slaying her role as Lady Capulet (Love You Doll) or because of the time period change or because a female played Mercutio, Romeo’s rowdy companion. I felt so bonded to Romeo and Juliet's chemistry. During their first kiss you could hear their lips connect, see the two actors’ eyes close.  Even though I knew how their love story was going to play out, I was hoping for a different ending, a different world where two people from different sides of the tracks could find a way to be together. 

Me with Romeo & Juliet after the play

Me & Jacquelyn Grace (aka Lady Capulet) after the play

They say art is subjective, and a lot of what you gather from a piece comes from your own internal experience. I saw Romeo and Juliet as something bigger than two star-crossed lovers. It’s not just a story of two stubborn families. It’s a story of how ignorance, hostility, hatred, and division kills love. Neither family was willing to lay down their crude animosity for one another, so they lost the things they loved most. 

It’s a reminder that love does not always win. There is not always a happy ending—but even in the sadness of this old tale I felt hopeful.  We know that love can’t live in the same space as hate. We can open our hearts to compromise, change, unity.

The play was also personally meaningful for me because Jacquelyn is one of the first people to not only believe in Good Girl Chronicles LLC but invest in it financially, support my events, and even write as a contributor on occasion. Check out some of her blogs here: https://theartinmyself.wordpress.com/

When I first met Jacquelyn she seemed so reserved, a wallflower almost. Watching her on stage, I saw a talented, confident woman, living her dream of becoming an actor. It was an amazing moment for me as a friend of hers. It reminded me that dreams require the work, time, energy, sometimes blood and tears. But the payoff—- the chance to be an actor in our own movie dreams is incredibly worth it.

Proud of you Jacquelyn. 

Reflecting on Recovery: How Far I've Come

Stage lights shine on bright on my face. Dozens of eyes are staring back at me. Mic in hand.
Makeup on point.

“My name is Lauren Hope, and I’m the owner of a blog and business called Good Girl Chronicles.
I want to help people own their truth, live their truth, and share their truth. I’m your host for this year’s
annual Shatter the Silence”

It is happening. That moment I dreamed of as a little girl; being a speaker, traveling with a message,
living my life on my terms.

God is this what you meant? Is this what purpose feels like?

Standing in front of close to 200 people at the Attucks Theater hosting a regional suicide prevention
event called Shatter the Silence. This is huge. This is epic. Because one day many, many moons
ago, I never imagined life could have meaning again.

There were moments years ago where I thought life would always be dark. Deep in the confines of
a two year depressive episode, I remember days that waking up and seeing the sun brought me pain.
It was a reminder that more time was passing from who I was, and I was falling deeper into the reality
of who I didn’t want to be; overweight, lonely, suicidal, angry, frustrated, dirty from no showers,
exhausted, broken, hopeless.

Hosting Shatter the Silence was a reminder of just how far I have come in my mental health recovery.
And, it is one of many accomplishments that prove I am living and thriving in recovery.

The last 90 days have been the most trying, exciting, challenging, and unexpected days of my 2018.I have shared my story of surviving suicide at two Out of the Darkness Walks, suicide prevention walks by the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. I was selected to the Virginia Chapter Board of AFSP, hosted three successful events through my business Good Girl Chronicles. Raised money for several non-profits. Gone on about 5 job interviews in person and over the phone. I kissed a boy, and I liked it. I ran a half a mile. I have introduced myself as a business owner. Broke down in front

of a group of high powered women, then processed it in therapy. Got back up. Performed in a national show called This is My Brave. Took myself on a date. Laughed at my own jokes. Let myself exhale. Popped the anti-anxiety drug more than I would have liked. I asked for help. I worked the crisis plan. I fought for myself. I left the toxic job, then wrestled with the consequences. Been a voice for the voiceless. I’ve been a kick ass dog mom to one of the coolest pups on the planet. Stood up in the face of insults, gossip, and backstabbers.

In a nutshell —- I HAVE LIVED!

Why is this so big? Because if you read this blog then you know for two years of my thirties I was mentally and spiritually

dead. Lately I’ve felt God bringing moments of my past back to the forefront of my mind. Some days

it makes me sad, because I miss being a television reporter, sometimes I long for the love that got

away, I miss not worrying where my next paycheck is coming from, or being frustrated by how limited

my state health insurance is.

But most days I am astonished at where I am in my recovery . There was once a time in the darkest

days of my depression a simple phone interview often left me mute. I remember I applied for Verizon

wireless about 4 years ago. I sat on my bedroom floor rocking back and forth minutes before the call.

My mind was full of questions What will they ask? Will I respond OK? What do I say? I googled Verizon telephones, memorize the plans they told me to do before they called.” When the

call came I remember stammering over my words, sweat on my brows, warm heat covering my body.

I bombed the interview.

Afterwards I sat on the floor and cried. I was once a live shot reporter, did Hurricane coverage, chased criminals now I can’t even get through a phone interview for a sales job. That night I went to Taco Bell ordered as many things my stomach could handle,

(snuck out the window so my roommate wouldn’t hear) then sat up watching Murder She Wrote,

devising ways to kill myself the next day.

That was once my existence. So to do a job interview - to go to speaking engagements - to deal with the ups and downs of Iife, to ride out my mental health symptoms and get back on the horse on the next day is a huge fucking deal. Pardon my French but it is.

Sometimes when I’m in my car driving alone, I cry—-and I just thank God. Thank you God for giving me this second chapter. It is not like the life I had planned. It is not with the people I had planned. But IT IS MINE! I am living. I am breathing.

I am hopeful again. I can laugh again. I can dance again…. and I am trying really hard to let myself

be loved again.

I get back up when life knocks me down. I am at peace with my mental health medications.

I can taste food again. I see a sunrise sand smile in expectancy of a new day.

Life is hard. I am still grinding. I have not tasted my full harvest. But I have so much joy in my heart

because the once barren, desert, dry, empty place in my soul that thought death was better than living — is fertile again. It is year for the seeds of my next life story…. .

I am walking — I am alive.. I am living. This is what recovery feels like to me.