“So you don’t to be in a relationship at all?” she says. It’s a innocent question, but I detect some surprise, mystery, maybe a touch of judgement, or a little concern.
“Um….” I pause for a minute. “No.”
As I say it I search deep in my heart to make sure I am certain. And even then my heart confirms, “No? I have no heart desire to be in love.
As I continue driving down 264 I explain all the reasons I do not want to be coupled: I am busy. I am finally at peace. I am overly ambitious. I am free. I am selfish with my time.
“Well for now I guess that’s good. What about in five years?,” she asks.
“You know maybe it is true that some people are meant to be alone,” I replied.
These are words I never thought I was would say out loud let alone about myself. I have told countless jaded friends that there’s a love out there for everyone. And, I'm not sure I believe that anymore. Here I am mid-thirties declaring with some certainty that I do not want to be coupled.
My friend is also in her mid-thirties approaching 35 and is conscience of her biological clock. The real fact that having children after this age will be high-risk. Mother nature’s cruel way of rushing women to have babies before 40 in my opinion.
When I finally drop my friend off, I had a few moments on my own drive home to dive inside of myself and look where my desire for love has gone.
In my twenties I was in many long term relationships many lasting years. One almost resulting in a marriage proposal.
In my twenties I was in many long term relationships many lasting years. One almost resulting in a marriage proposal.
You really don’t want to be in a relationship? The question kept repeating itself in my head. And, each time I felt a no.
Where did my desire for love go? Did I throw it away after far too many failed relationships? Did it get lost in too many moments of physical intimacy and not enough spiritual connections? Did it take a beating and die after watching my parent’s gruesome divorce, and even more dysfunctional remarriage?
Have I been hurt too much? Possibly!
Am I jaded? Absolutely!
Am I jaded? Absolutely!
But, am I empty ? Hell no!
Did my hope die after so many failed promises from men who could not give me what I needed?
You have to understand this is a real departure for. In my early twenties, a full life to me meant; an engagement by my late twenties, two kids by my early thirties, a passionate sex life, a profitable career.
But this is my new destination. Thirty-four and single, rebuilding after a year of homelessness, no desire for children, and still living paycheck to paycheck.
A small part of me cries for the innocent, sweet good girl from my teens who bought into Disney dreams about love. While I see visions of love around me it is not a vision I every fully believe for myself. I simply had no blueprint for that growing up. Marriages were functional in my childhood. They supplied sex, babies, and financial provision. They were not magical, passionate love stories. I grew up believing a woman was complete or had arrived when she landed a man with a good job, who put food on the table. And, too many times I watched women in my family settle for men who beat them, disrespected them, drank too much, smoked too much. They put up with it all in the name of having a man.
And, it’s not that I can’t date. I’m not half bad looking. I’m kind pretty in fact. I am smart, and I have a lot to offer. But…. I really deep, down do not believe in love for me. My deepest desire is to see God’s world, be a vessel for his love, live on my own again, and hopefully adopt another a dog. My deepest desire is to learn to love all of me, to accept God’s love, and to love his children the same way.
Where is the love?
For the first time, it’s inside of me. For so many years I looked for it in my career, in my sex life, in my men, in my family, in my friends. And, now God's love lives in me. …. and for now, for this season and the foreseeable season that is more than enough.
