Semi-Colon : From Pause to Progress
Christina's Mental Health Journey
It wasn’t her blonde
hair, her greenish blue eyes, or her bright smile that drew me in that day. It
was the little black semi-colon tattoo on her wrist. In literature the semicolon
is used as a punctuation mark indicating a pause between two main clauses. But,
for people like me it’s a symbol of survival. The semi-colon tattoo has come to symbolize people who have survived a
suicide attempt, mental illness, and or a struggle with addiction. The period symbolizes when we thought life was ending. The comma is a continuation, a proof of survival
and the ability to keep writing our own story. As a suicide attempt survivor
myself, I know all about the semicolon tattoo. And, I had to know why Christina
had one on her wrist.
I first met 30-year-old
Christina Kimbrough a year ago at networking event. I remember noting her
bravery for attending an all-black networking event. Christina was the only
white woman at the table, yet she was unafraid to speak up. At the time
she and her friend, community activist Jackie Jackson Glass were about to start
a podcast on race called ‘Your Neighbor’s Hood’. After the networking, we exchanged
numbers and scheduled a time to meet.
Over coffee at Starbucks,
Christina shared with me a struggle very similar to mine. After graduating with
a bachelor’s degree in journalism, Christina says she wanted to be a journalist
for a small hometown paper. She found the pressures of being a journalist was too
intense. She eventually landed a job as an
executive assistant to the Director of Public Affairs for Public Works. It was a job she loved but had to leave when her husband Clayton was ordered to move for the Navy.
The constant moving made
it difficult for Christina to keep a job, develop friendships, and in time
she says she lost a bit of her identity in her husband’s career.
“I’ve lost my sense of
self for a while,” she says. “When you’re a military spouse your life is
centered around their schedule. Everything is around what he’s doing. My
husband’s a rescue swimmer so people are always like, ‘Oh my god that’s cool.’
The conversation switches from me to him.”
It was during one of her
husband’s deployment’s that Christina says she had her first major mental
health crisis.
“I had a panic attack. At
the time I didn’t know it was a panic attack. I felt like I was dying,” she
says remembering that terrifying episode. “I remember screaming
in my living room. I could not calm down. I can’t even remember what triggered
it.”
In hindsight Christina says
she had a lot of stressors then. She had recently lost her job, she was struggling
with suicidal thoughts, and felt lonely while her husband was away. After
that first episode Christina says she struggled with being misdiagnosised, frequent hospitalizations, and challenging emotional triggeres. This year Christina was
diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Depression, and Panic Disorder. There
is no cure for these mental illness’, but Christina says daily she is learning
how to live with it.
“It is still hard to
accept it. It’s hard because I live with this every day. I am working on my thoughts,
and anxieties all the time. I manage my illness by going to a therapist, taking
my medicine, working out, and watching my caffeine intake.”
She also credits her supportive
husband Clayton with helping her cope. Christina beams when she talks about how
her husband’s compassion helped in the lowest moments of her mental
illness.
“Marriage means you’re
meant to help each other. Clayton is the best thing to happen to me The best
choice I have ever made. He feels everything I am feeling. He knows when I am
anxious or depressed so he’s able to give me grace. He has never wavered from
supporting me,” she says.
Because, she understands
how isolating living with a mental illness can be Christina uses her social media
to spark conversations about mental health. She recently received over 200
comments on a post she wrote about her suicidal ideation. She knows so many people
are struggling, and she wants to use her voice to comfort them.
“I want to show others
that people with mental illness are just like you. A big reason I am a mental
health advocate because I want to give people a safe place to speak up.”
Christina has shared her story in several of my Spark of Hope Storytelling Nights. She is now ready to use her lived experience of survival to help others on a larger scale. She recently enrolled
in a Peer Recovery Specialist training, Peer Specialists are people with lived experience
of mental illness and/or substance use disorder who use their lived experience
to help other people pursuing recovery.
Her biggest advice to those
who have loved ones struggling, listen.
“I’d tell family members
to just be there. Sometimes family members go into fix mode. All I need for you
is to see me and acknowledge what I am going through. You may not understand
but if you can see me that is real.”
