I'm Now Producing the Show That Inspired Me : This is My Brave

“Have you ever heard of This is My Brave?”

It was early 2016 when I first heard about This is My Brave. I had just written a revealing blog about my suicide attempt in 2014, and the dark depressive episode that followed.

For nearly two years, my depression consumed me. I developed anxiety about working at my eight dollar an hour retail job when I was once a promising television reporter. Eventually I stopped working, and became a recluse. I did not bath, brush my teeth, or comb my hair for weeks. I remember pulling my hair out at the roots, and picking scabs all over my body, never giving them time to heal. The physical pain reminded me that something in my now numb, sensory deficient body could still feel. 

October 2015, I was prescibed an anti-depressant that slowly removed the dark storm cloud that seemed to color every part of my life. Months later, I remember sitting in front of the television watching Joyce Meyers. She was talking about depression and how it is a battlefield of the mind. I am not sure why, other than the voice of God, I recall feeling a voice in spirit say, “It’s time to speak your truth. People need to know why you are no longer living your television dream. Tell them why.”

That night I could barely sleep thinking, how I could ever write about trying to take my own life, or revealing to the world that depression took every part of myself that I held dear? I got up and wrote the blog, “Standing in My Truth.” I posted it online with a picture of what I looked like when I was on air, and how I looked post depression. Black, deep dark circles around my eyes, broken off hair, and a chubby overweight face.  My family’s phone was ringing early the next morning, relative were pleading with me to take the post down. They said I’d never get hired. They said it was no one's business. They said it was too much. That was the beginning of a battle to own, speak, and share my own truth. It lead to an intense separation with my family, but also liberation from shame.

The blog had also reached a former television friend of mine, who called to tell me she understood. Her own brother struggled with mental illness and something that helped her understand was a show called This is MyBrave. It started in Arlington, Virginia. The show featured people living with mental illness. People all over the country were writing blogs like mine and taking to a stage to tell their stories to a live audience, my friend explained. 

When I finished talking to my friend, I Googled everything I could about This is My Brave. I read countless blogs on the This is My Brave site, and watched countless videos of people sharing their stories in front of a live audience. Those people gave me a backbone, they gave me hope, they showed me my voice mattered. As afraid as I was in the beginning of writing about what mental illness did to me This is My Brave showed me my story mattered, and I had a right to tell it. (Watch the promo below to learn more about the nonprofit)

A year later I wrote a blog about one of my experiences in a psychiatric hospital that lead to me finally accepting my mentally illness. The blog was featured on the This is My Brave website. 2018, I had to experience the show for myself, and see an advocate I admired T-Kea Blackman. After sitting in the audience watching people of all ages, races, professions talk, laugh, and cry about life with mental illness, I made it be in a This is My Brave show. I got that dream October 2018. Here is a YouTube video of that experience.

I knew then Hampton Roads had to experience this type of advocacy. The freedom it gave me, had to be experienced in my hometown. That’s why every day I am working on the This is My Brave show is lving a dream. This nonprofit inspired me to keep writing, and because of that I’m walking in a life purpose I never would have dream for myself. 

I am producing the first This is My Brave show in Hampton Roads. That’s so incredible to write.  Many of you have followed my journey and now I am calling on you to make this one of the  best shows This is My Brave has ever had. If you have a story of lived experience of mental illness and/ or substance use disoder, consider auditioning for our first show. You can share your story in song, dance, writing, spoken word, or essay. Use this link www.calendly.com/bravehamptonroads to sign up for auditions in January.

Part of my duties as a producer is to secure sponsorships and advertisments to help finance the show. As I’ve been reaching out to businesses, I’ve been thinking how much I’d love for Good Girl Chronicles to be a top level sponsor. My busines is all about empowering people through storytelling.

My ultimate goal is become THE top level sponsor which is $5,000. I have started a crowdfunding campaign to reach that goal. You can help with a donation of any size. Our show is scheduled for April 19, 2020 so I am going to run this crowd funding through the end of April. Whatever I raise between now and then will be the sponsorship level I take. You can donate here . Donations to this crowdfunding campaign go directly to This is My Brave and are tax deductible. Or if you would like to sponsor or advertise in this show email me at my This is My Brave email lhope@thisismybrave.org

We’re already getting some great press. Check out my CBS6 Interview about auditions 

#WomenWhoSlayWednesday: Book Review of 'I Am Healing: 7 Secrets to Wellness & Selfcare'

Two years ago I met an amazing woman in Peer Recovery training. From the very start I was drawn in by Percilla Zeno's warmth, the way her eyes lock with yours in a conversation, and her genuine ability to give you honest feedback in a loving way. Since then I've watched Zeno take her certification as a Peer Recovery Specialist and vast credentials as an energy healer to help free people from pain and trauma. 

Percilla is registered as a Certified Peer Recovery Specialist with the Virginia Board of Counseling. She is also a Healing Touch Practioneer Apprentice. She holds 4 out of the 5 certifications in Healing Touch Therapy and is working on her fifth.

Percilla's work inspired her to write her first book, 'I AM Healing: The 7 Secrets to Wellness and Self-Care'. Percilla says she wrote the book to show others they possess the power to overcome, survive, heal, and regain the life they always dreamt of.

Percilla's book ‘I Am Healing’ is a story of one woman’s journey from surviving trauma to finding inner peace. In her writing debut, Zeno guides readers through the steps she took to find healing. At first glance the book ‘I AM Healing: The 7 Secrets to Wellness and Self-care’ seems like most self-help books, giving tips and tricks about wellness. But Zeno’s book is much more.

‘I AM Healing’ is part memoir and part holistic guidance. Zeno reveals seven steps to wellness by exposing her darkest, and most painful life experiences. It is through these deep life reflections that Zeno shows people they possess the great power for peace and healing within themselves. Zeno calls this inner power the ‘I AM’.  In chapter one, Zeno describes the inner ‘I AM’ as a tranquil river we all exist in. The river is our own healing power or ‘I AM’. If we are not careful the struggles of life can congest the ‘I AM’ with pain, trauma, stress, and anxiety. When the healing river is clogged, we are unable to connect into the part of ourselves that creates, loves, breathes, and thrives.  

“The I AM is the highest and best part of you, the part that wants the highest and best for you. The I AM within you is that which awaits the willingness to freely remove blocked energy, and tension that binds you. Again, the I AM is the inner you, the non-physical you that innocent, loving, courageous, exposed, tranquil, forgiving, true, honest, and most beautiful you. This is who you were before you were birthed.” (Excerpt from 'I AM Healing')

Each of the seven chapters reveals a lesson from Zeno’s own life, and her revelations about the power of the inner ‘I AM’. The chapters end with a question for readers to examine themselves, an affirmation, acknowledgement, and tips for energy healing.

I am so proud of my friend and peer for writing this book. I am also blown away at Percilla's bravery in showing her what she learned from the hardest times of her life. I also found myself in awe of how Percilla found the means to forgive her abusers, and even show them grace. It's a power that seems unthinkable. Percilla says energy healing has shown her it's not only possible but neccesary to reaching your fullest potential in life.

I highly reccomend this book, and teachings from my great friend and peer Percilla Zeno. You can learn about Percilla, energy healing, and her book  now at www.thehealingpartner.com

All proceeds from her book will be donated to That Zen Life Wellness Foundation, INC, a 501 (c)3 charitable organization that reaches out to the community to establish and maintain non-clinical whole health wellness and multiple pathways of recovery while providing an intentional, non-judgmental, calming, and safe environment.

My Breakup Letter With Food: Facing My Emotional Eating

Dear Food,

            My therapist says I need to break up with you. I must admit I find t quite comical she asked me to do this. For the past few years you’ve been there for me when no one else was. And, if I’m honest I’ve been leaning on you for support since I was a teenager. Recently I realized that we’ve crossed into unhealthy territory again. We have this emotional roller coaster you and I. For a while, it is good. I eat food within healthy limits. I eat only for the purpose of hunger. I drink water. I eat my fruits and vegetables. Then… there are other times. When I eat because I am exhausted, and I want comfort. When I eat because I am so incredibly sad, disappointed or hurt. There's something about eating cheesy Dominos bread, Dr. Pepper and watching Netfllix that puts me at ease. Each bite into the warm, soft bread ignites my taste buds. All I can focus on is the taste of the food. The sweetness of the Dr. Pepper. The gooeyness of the cheese.

On those days I eat until I am full. Sometimes I will nap afterwards. It reminds me of my darkest, deep, depression. Back when food, Investigation Discover, and Alfred Hitchcock were the only things that made me feel anything. Looking back it must have been a surreal thing to watch. Me,  a successful, overachiever become a recluse. A recluse who did not care to bath, wash her hair, or brush her teeth. A once accomplished adult living in her parents converted garage.  I'd get up at 7 a.m. to show my parents I was till alive and I’d eat a giant bowl of cereal or some days nothing. Then I’d go back into their man cave, sleep until noon. I loved the days my mom would bring something home from Panera; a steak panini, salad, a cookie, and a large drink. I’d eat and catch up on my soap operas or Investigation Discovery shows. I remember watching those shows and wondering if I would ever have a life, friends, a man to touch me again, a job. It seemed so far away. And, some days I sat amazed that a how a once fully compotent woman who was once part of that world could feel do detached.

Food you are the one thing that never left, never kicked me out or abandoned me. Food you are the one thing that didn’t put conditions on our love. You are the one thing that always gave love when I needed it.

When I was homeless, food took on a whole different meaning. I was living on less than $150 of food stamps a month. I realized then how expensive food was. It was something I never had to think about. I remember when I would spend my days in the mall hanging out with these young cell phone salesman. I hoped they would have mercy on me and give me a few dollars to eat. I never said it aloud, but I think they all knew I had no place to stay. I remember getting overjoyed when one of the guys took me to get hibachi. I thought it was so incredibly sweet, but maybe looking back maybe it was pity, or charity. The young, wild girl I hung out would give me her tips and we'd eat off the dollar menu of Taco Bell. I remember that time I moved in with that crazy old man in Suffolk, and the pride I felt when I could buy $20 of groceries. I was proud that I could take care of myself somehow.

I remember that weekend when the young lesbians put me out of their home and I was so hungry. I had absolutely no money. I called, and begged people for money or just a home cooked meal, and  no one would come. A day later my friend Grace brought me Church’s chicken and I ate off of it for days.

I see now food I have such a complicated relationship with you. One where I can’t separate the need from the want. I can’t separate the emotion behind your real purpose to nourish my body. Even now I am remember how amazing a Dr. Pepper over rocks taste or the perfect Cherry Cola.

I love a guacamole and chips with a cold beer. My favorite emotional meal is Dominos, cheesy bread, and soda. I can also get lost in a plate of hot, buttermilk pancakes from IHOP. There was once a season of life when I could buy little extra for myself but I could treat myself to IHOP on Fridays.

I love hot fries from Chic-fila, a large sweet tea, chic-fil-a sauce, and nuggets. I love the gyros from Arbys. Crunch supreme tacos from Taco Bell when it’s done right. I love the food coma that follows, and how I can get lost in my own dreams.

But—the next morning when I wake up and realize that I’ve turned to food again when what I really know I am craving is intimacy! I felt guilt, remorse, anger, and disappointment. When I have to look at my naked body, and see stretch marks that rival a mom who has birthed 3 kids, I am mad at what I have done to my body. I remember the first time I looked in the mirror after avoiding them for months. I could not believe who I was looking at. My hair was even and broken off from pulling it out. I had three dark circles from scabs I would not let heal on my face. My breasts reached my stomach. My stomach protruded, I had to lift it up to see underneath. Light brown stretch marks cover the top. I remember being disgusted with myself.

ME at my heaviest, nearly 250 lbs

I want to stop this. I am tired of being fat, and overweight. I do not like turning to food to comfort my lonliness. I want to run. I want to dance. I want to feel good in my skin again.

I have to get control of this. And, that is why I know I  have to break up with you. I have to set healthier boundaries. I have to be mindful of what I am eating and how much of it.  I do not want to be pre-diabetic or at risk for diabetes. I’ve heard God tell me to live my dreams I have to be healthy. That is part of it.

So this needs to end food…this unhealthy thing you and I have.

And, I know what I want. I do want someone to come home to, some to listen about a crazy day or an amazing one. I want a cheerleader who will applaud me when I really nail a project. I want to pick up the phone and say I just need to talk. Maybe I am realizing not enough of my friendships give me that. And, I need it. I do not want to do life alone…. I want the health to experience running a half marathon, maybe several, hiking, or trail walking. I want the energy to keep up with my dreams. Sometimes I just want to feel someone’s arms around me. I want to fall asleep listening to a heartbeat. I want laughter that does not come from Netflix.

I am working hard to track everything eat. I am trying to be mindful that I am eating not because I am sad, tired, excited, and lonely.

I am really trying….. I am currently training for a half marathon, practicing mindful eating with Weight Watchers and trying to regain control.