My Breakup Letter With Food: Facing My Emotional Eating

Dear Food,

            My therapist says I need to break up with you. I must admit I find t quite comical she asked me to do this. For the past few years you’ve been there for me when no one else was. And, if I’m honest I’ve been leaning on you for support since I was a teenager. Recently I realized that we’ve crossed into unhealthy territory again. We have this emotional roller coaster you and I. For a while, it is good. I eat food within healthy limits. I eat only for the purpose of hunger. I drink water. I eat my fruits and vegetables. Then… there are other times. When I eat because I am exhausted, and I want comfort. When I eat because I am so incredibly sad, disappointed or hurt. There's something about eating cheesy Dominos bread, Dr. Pepper and watching Netfllix that puts me at ease. Each bite into the warm, soft bread ignites my taste buds. All I can focus on is the taste of the food. The sweetness of the Dr. Pepper. The gooeyness of the cheese.

On those days I eat until I am full. Sometimes I will nap afterwards. It reminds me of my darkest, deep, depression. Back when food, Investigation Discover, and Alfred Hitchcock were the only things that made me feel anything. Looking back it must have been a surreal thing to watch. Me,  a successful, overachiever become a recluse. A recluse who did not care to bath, wash her hair, or brush her teeth. A once accomplished adult living in her parents converted garage.  I'd get up at 7 a.m. to show my parents I was till alive and I’d eat a giant bowl of cereal or some days nothing. Then I’d go back into their man cave, sleep until noon. I loved the days my mom would bring something home from Panera; a steak panini, salad, a cookie, and a large drink. I’d eat and catch up on my soap operas or Investigation Discovery shows. I remember watching those shows and wondering if I would ever have a life, friends, a man to touch me again, a job. It seemed so far away. And, some days I sat amazed that a how a once fully compotent woman who was once part of that world could feel do detached.

Food you are the one thing that never left, never kicked me out or abandoned me. Food you are the one thing that didn’t put conditions on our love. You are the one thing that always gave love when I needed it.

When I was homeless, food took on a whole different meaning. I was living on less than $150 of food stamps a month. I realized then how expensive food was. It was something I never had to think about. I remember when I would spend my days in the mall hanging out with these young cell phone salesman. I hoped they would have mercy on me and give me a few dollars to eat. I never said it aloud, but I think they all knew I had no place to stay. I remember getting overjoyed when one of the guys took me to get hibachi. I thought it was so incredibly sweet, but maybe looking back maybe it was pity, or charity. The young, wild girl I hung out would give me her tips and we'd eat off the dollar menu of Taco Bell. I remember that time I moved in with that crazy old man in Suffolk, and the pride I felt when I could buy $20 of groceries. I was proud that I could take care of myself somehow.

I remember that weekend when the young lesbians put me out of their home and I was so hungry. I had absolutely no money. I called, and begged people for money or just a home cooked meal, and  no one would come. A day later my friend Grace brought me Church’s chicken and I ate off of it for days.

I see now food I have such a complicated relationship with you. One where I can’t separate the need from the want. I can’t separate the emotion behind your real purpose to nourish my body. Even now I am remember how amazing a Dr. Pepper over rocks taste or the perfect Cherry Cola.

I love a guacamole and chips with a cold beer. My favorite emotional meal is Dominos, cheesy bread, and soda. I can also get lost in a plate of hot, buttermilk pancakes from IHOP. There was once a season of life when I could buy little extra for myself but I could treat myself to IHOP on Fridays.

I love hot fries from Chic-fila, a large sweet tea, chic-fil-a sauce, and nuggets. I love the gyros from Arbys. Crunch supreme tacos from Taco Bell when it’s done right. I love the food coma that follows, and how I can get lost in my own dreams.

But—the next morning when I wake up and realize that I’ve turned to food again when what I really know I am craving is intimacy! I felt guilt, remorse, anger, and disappointment. When I have to look at my naked body, and see stretch marks that rival a mom who has birthed 3 kids, I am mad at what I have done to my body. I remember the first time I looked in the mirror after avoiding them for months. I could not believe who I was looking at. My hair was even and broken off from pulling it out. I had three dark circles from scabs I would not let heal on my face. My breasts reached my stomach. My stomach protruded, I had to lift it up to see underneath. Light brown stretch marks cover the top. I remember being disgusted with myself.

ME at my heaviest, nearly 250 lbs

I want to stop this. I am tired of being fat, and overweight. I do not like turning to food to comfort my lonliness. I want to run. I want to dance. I want to feel good in my skin again.

I have to get control of this. And, that is why I know I  have to break up with you. I have to set healthier boundaries. I have to be mindful of what I am eating and how much of it.  I do not want to be pre-diabetic or at risk for diabetes. I’ve heard God tell me to live my dreams I have to be healthy. That is part of it.

So this needs to end food…this unhealthy thing you and I have.

And, I know what I want. I do want someone to come home to, some to listen about a crazy day or an amazing one. I want a cheerleader who will applaud me when I really nail a project. I want to pick up the phone and say I just need to talk. Maybe I am realizing not enough of my friendships give me that. And, I need it. I do not want to do life alone…. I want the health to experience running a half marathon, maybe several, hiking, or trail walking. I want the energy to keep up with my dreams. Sometimes I just want to feel someone’s arms around me. I want to fall asleep listening to a heartbeat. I want laughter that does not come from Netflix.

I am working hard to track everything eat. I am trying to be mindful that I am eating not because I am sad, tired, excited, and lonely.

I am really trying….. I am currently training for a half marathon, practicing mindful eating with Weight Watchers and trying to regain control.