My Move to Patreon & Body Postivity Modeling

 

I can't believe I've been writing on this blog for over 10 years. When I started it was a place to practice writing and to find my voice as a writer. I hope to one day take the blogs and write the first Good Girl Chronicles. Well as you know a lot has happened since I started this blog; leaving television news, a suicide attempt, homelessness, and so much heartache. 

I am happy to say I am finally in a really good season of life. I recently graduated with a Master of Arts in Strategic Communications. I am working my business full time even though it is challenging, and I am writing more than ever these days. 

When people ask me what I do I can't just say one title anymore. I am a storybrand consultant, a body positive model, publicist content creator, events promoter, and producer. I have always felt in my spirit that God would feed and provide for me from my gifts. I am in the beginning stages of realizing that.

The Boudoir Shoot That Helped Me Love Myself

I recently started posting body positivity after a boudoir shoot that quite frankly helped me fall in love with myself again.

Check some out: the photographer is Stacey Salerno and she has an amazing studio in Newport News, VA. It's this experience coupled with the many plus size influencers expanding the view of beauty that has motivated me to go into modeling myself. I am sharing these pictures on a membersite called Patreon.

My MOVE TO PATREON

Which leads me to Patreon. Patreon is a membership based site for content creators. Creators can post

pictures, vides, live streaming and more to their paid members. It's an amazing way to monetize your brand and content. I will creating some exclusive content there that I will not post here. Don't worry if you're still following me I will write here periodically but not as much as I will be posting on Patreon. I am trying to work as a full time business owner so that means making moves in my business.

You can join me on Patreon for as low as $5 a month. You can here up here. I'd love your support.

I do want to make one thing clear that some men seem to be assuming. I am not posing nude, and I am not porn. LOL You wouldn't believe how many men have assumed that. I am falling in love with my body and myself in a beautiful way. I want to honor this season, and empower other women to love their bodies also.

I want to say a huge thank you to photographer Stacey Salerno for allowing me to pose in her new studio, and for uplifting me in so many ways. Check out this sneak peek of her studio that I did on my YouTube Channel.

She also took these amazing pictures of me at my college alma mater after my graduation.

Built Ford Tough (Trigger Warning This Blog Talks About Sexual Assault

 Built Ford Tough (Trigger Warning)

He would respond to my stories with this statement;“That's cause you’re built Ford tough.”

I thought it was cute - endearing

But maybe it was a warning for the abuse he would put me through.

A preparation of the armor I'd have to build to protect myself from the pain drenched in the emotional, verbal, and psychological beat down he put me through.

Cloaked in being sensitive and burned by women-- he wooed me.

After the sweet good morning texts and Bible scripture

Came the constant weed smoking - dirty house - drinking until he's black out drug and vomiting outside my car.

Drunken nights at seedy clubs.

Me picking him up from his gigs wasted

Blocking him on social.

Hearing him talk shit on his stories, then taking him back

All toxic!

All manipulative... then dangerous.

All leading to a night I wish I would have ignored his call

"I’m drunk and I have no way home," he says pleading to me over Facetime.

I run to rescue him again

A battered man - beaten as a child trapped in a constant cycle of self sabotage

I want to rescue him , love him back to life.

I believe he knows Christ because he knows the word

But that night when he tries to pull my pants down. I say no

He tries again

I say no

How can this be a man of god I think?

"I’m not having sex with you ," I say. I say it over and over.

"Well will you do this," he asks.

I think to myself, I'll do whatever I must do to not have sex, and to leave this house.

I oblige.

But then I don’t like it !

-I try to pull away.

He forces me down, and I’m almost gagging .

I remove myself from my body just to get through the moment.

He smells like he hasn’t showered in weeks - I’m disgusted.

It is nothing like the romance we once had.

When he is done I say, "You will never do this to me again. You will never use me again. Do you hear me?"

Then I run. I run home. I shower, and lay in the bed looking out the window at a deary February sky. I want to cry but I have no tears.

I want to report, but he says no one will believe me.

I wait a year to report only to be told - don’t poke the bear - don’t tell DONT SPEAK

But I must - I am fighting back.

I have my voice and I simply can’t shut it now

This is why I own my body and my sex now- because it was taken from me

And this is my rebirth !

Finding Nemo---Finding Me

 

Finding Nemo is one of my favorite Disney Pixar films. I identify with Dory so much. Her forgetfulness reminds me of what anxiety does to my brain. It produces a fog in me that I can't explain. Makes me lose focus, and the ability to do simple things when it's at its worse. Her sense of not having a family or direction spoke to me also. I have not spoken to my immediate family in close to 5 years, but God has brought me spiritual families in so many seasons of my life.

In the journey of Finding Nemo, Dory finds family in two strangers. She also finds herself. I find the story to be quite biblical. In fact in my graduate studies I wrote a story about how Disney and Pixar use Christian themes in their stories. Sometimes I think it's the only way God knows his children will hear him is through creative expression like song, dance, art, and movies. 

Sometimes this Dory sits on my bed, sometimes in my car. She reminds me that God will leave the 99 for the 1 every time. His love is that powerful, and that strong. He loves his children that much.

Thank you Father for coming after me. In my wilderness, my struggle, my sin -- you always kept coming after me.