The Hard, Jagged Road to My Recovery

 The Hard, Jagged Road to Recovery

Recovery. A word long used to describe people who are sober, abstinent from drugs or alcohol. The dictionary describes it as a return back to normal state of mind. However, you describe it it's something I've been chasing since 2014. The year I tried to take my own life. The year I began my slow descend into the abnormalities of Major Depressive Disorder. It was the beginning of kicking a can down a deep slope to despair, homelessness, abuse, and trauma.

I'm not sure I know what my normal is anymore. I say this from the perspective of a 37 year old woman who is applying for disability for the second time in her life.

For a long time, even while I lay sleeping on a gym mat in a cold, church sanctuary when I was homeless, I envisioned recovery i.e normalcy as returning to television. I often thought of  walking into a television station again with my head held high. I'd close my eyes and relish in the thought of sitting at the anchor desk with far more knowledge than when I had left. Because the viewers would know I was a woman who went to the darkness of homelessness, and abuse to regain prominence. I thought people would revere me more, respect me more, and maybe even love me.  But it's 2021, 7 years since that attempt and I'm nowhere near returning to television as an anchor, reporter, or director or any position I've held in my television career.

Spiritually, I've come to accept that the dream I once had of being on Good Morning America is not the dream God has for me. He's showed me in so many ways. But it doesn't make it any less hard to accept. This is the first year I've surrendered that to God fully. I now realize that this, me writing about mental health and suicide, my business Good Girl Chronicles LLC, and my future PR agency are the dreams I am supposed to chase. It is hard when those passions do not support your rising bills, calm your fragile PTSD symptoms, or help you process the trauma you've endured in your thirties. This is my reality.

Everyday I wake up thinking  maybe I'm stuck in a nightmare, and soon I'll wake up, back in my two bedroom condo, back to being the golden child, back to being the almost wife. But, then I place my feet on the floor, I look around the room I rent decorated with pictures of my past; then I remember this is reality now. This is my life now.

Recovery for me now is simply getting out of bed and staying awake. It is applying pressure to the aching heels of my feet, inflamed by plantar facitis because I am obese. It is looking in the mirror and affirming myself that I AM WORTH LIVING FOR. Recovery is meditating daily, connecting to my higher power, it is reading the Bible and believing the promises it lays out in those highlighted pages. Recovery is opening my heart to the possibility of friendship even when I am afraid to. Recovery is choosing at 37 to be my full authentic self, and owning what mental illness has done and continues to do to my life. It is speaking when I really want to run and hide. It applying the makeup for me and no one else. It is working the only thing bringing me income, my business. It is believing that there is victory on the other side of this struggle. 

Maybe for me recovery will never be a return to normalcy but a constant journey of putting one foot in front of the other. Hoping for the best, using my coping skills, doing the therapy, taking the meds, attempting to trust, and giving myself grace where I fall short. It allowing friends to help me when either it's a cash app donation or a breakfast at the beach. Not fighting the love, but accepting that people genuinely want to help me stay afloat. (I am grateful for you) 

If you'd like to see more of my journey I've been sharing on my YouTube channel far more than I've shared here.

Here's my recent vlog on the realities of life:

I am currently awaiting my disability decision and working my business daily. If you would live to give my birthday GoFundme you can. Only if you feel led to https://gofund.me/289a2ee5

Also - If you've read this far --- know this. Today is a hard day for me. But, I will press on through this. You can conquer the deepest valleys of life, and people want to help. If you or someone you know is struggling call the Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-TALK.