We were in my college dorm, pretending to watch TV when he turned to me. There was so much anticipation. I could feel it was coming. He looked at me intensely, and started leaning in. I could feel sweat on my palms, and my stomach felt squeamish. This was going to be good. Our lips connected, and for a few moments it was everything I hoped for, soft, sensual, and sweet. Then for reasons I don't understand the feeling faded. The whole thing felt forced, like we were trying to make a square peg fit in a round hole. I don't know why but it just didn't feel right. I think we both knew it, but felt too invested at the moment to speak the truth.
I had never reconciled my past hurt with him. And, for all I put in those past months, I didn't feel like he had given anything in return. I needed a man who would spontaneously decorate my house with heart shaped post-it notes each one with a reason why he loved me. I needed a man I could call at night and relive my day with. I needed a man to see, hold, love, and touch everyday.
But, here I was sending care package, notes, and falling asleep by the phone. Sometimes I wouldn't hear from him for weeks with little to no explanation. Maybe he couldn't say, but I began to remember why I didn't want to fall in love with a serviceman. I've always known I didn't want to spend holidays, special occasions, and life with someone miles away. But here I was trying desperately to be something I couldn't be, a serviceman girlfriend. We pulled away from our embrace and oddly went back to watching television. Before he left to return home that night I leaned in for another kiss just to double check. Nope, still felt forced.
He went home, and the passion all but fizzled. During our phone conversations I could hear the tip, tap of X360 controllers in the background followed by a yell from his buddy. Any gamer past or present knows when their boyfriend is playing Halo instead of paying attention to their phone conversation. I demanded his attention. He would turn down the volume, but I knew he was still playing. This became our relationship for the next few weeks. After months of building our long distance relationship, I think neither of us wanted to admit we just weren't compatible. The last stake to our dying relationship was on his birthday weekend.
He said he would spend the weekend with me, and finally meet my folks. I did what any sensible. struggling girlfriend would do. I went out, bought a super cute outfit, cooked dinner, baked a cake, and waited. Then I waited some more, then waited some more. After a few of my calls went to voicemail, and the day turned to night, it was clear I was getting the Heisman once again. This term is after the Heisman trophy in which a football player is giving his opponents the stiff arm. In love it means rejection, "He's just not that into you" getting the hand, dissed, whatever word for shutdown you want to us.
There was never any closure, just days of me writing angry diary entries, fighting back tears at night. Eventually I found peace on my own. I vowed again he would be the last serviceman I let myself fall for.
I know what you're thinking I just happened to date a crumby dude which is true. But, that experience coupled with my own childhood as a Navy Brat has made me not want to fall in love with a serviceman. In a Jennifer Lopez romance comedy, I'm sure I would somehow find my soul mate in a serviceman and struggle to fight back my feelings. Then I would realize I was making a terrible mistake, I'd run after him, we'd get married and have lots of babies. Life is never as poetic as a Jennifer Lopez movie though. This heartache is not my main reason for shielding my heart from service men. I do not want to make the sacrifices that serviceman girlfriends, wives, and moms do. Call me selfish.
When my dad was promoted to Master Chief, the NAVY gave my mom this awesome certificate of appreciation. It had a list of all the sacrifices military spouses make so their loved ones can help protect our country. It honored her service to the Navy for her selflessness, and bravery. To be honest there wasn't enough space on that certificate to list all my mother had given up. She delayed nursing school while my Dad was at sea, juggled three kids, and sometimes three jobs. I love her for being two parents sometimes, for never letting us see her cry, and always putting on a brave face when her kids pleaded not to move again. I love my Father for the sacrifices he made, for giving up all those years he could have watched us grow up to protect this great nation, for laying the foundation for us to go to college and pursue our dreams.
In my heart I just don't think I'm the kind of woman who can do what my parents did. I've been waiting for 28 years for my Mr. Right, and when I get him I don't want to love him from oceans away. Call me selfish, but I want as much time I can bare with him. I mean I have been waiting for 28 years for this man anyway. A long distance service love is just not for me.
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