A Closed Door:Letting Go of those you love

A continuation of A Closed Door: Letting Go of those you love

At the end of the winter, I decided it was time to get my life together. I started working out again, seeing friends, and realizing my new dream. But, I also couldn’t shake that Lyric and I could have a second chance. I wanted to show him that I was worthy of being loved, and that my love was worthy of being received. This was so wrong. I already know I am worthy of being loved. God my father tells me that every day when he breathes life into me. I am beautifully and wonderfully made.  God molded me like clay. Of course I am worthy of love. Of course God knows the contents of my heart is to be loved by a good, Christian man. But, for some reason at this time I valued this man’s love more than the love of Christ. And, maybe that is the real reason Lyric will never give me the love I want from him. When you place something above God  trust me it is temporary. God will bring you to your knees. I idolized my television career, and somehow God made it so hard I had to step away. That is not to say I will never be on television again, but next time I have to put God first.  As a 31-year-old, heartbroken woman I can see that now. I do know that God is rebuilding 

me like he says in Jeremiah 31:4 .

The final straw with Lyric came when he told me he was lonely despite the fact that I was calling every day, planning cute things to do with him, begging him to come see me. Nothing I could do could make him see I wanted to love him through whatever pain he had. Oh, it gets worse. He was still caught up on a woman I know had broken his heart several times. A woman I feel has little moral character and quite frankly isn’t on my level on my worse day. But this is the woman he loves and I have to respect that. I wish I could say I bowed out with grace. I did not. I cursed in a way I never knew possible. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorn. I tore up pictures, sang break up songs, and sent him hurtful texts. I was so hurt, and God I pray you forgive me for letting my anger get the better of me. I just felt all those years of rejection take over me.And, he needed to face the music.

Again, I was an idiot. I couldn’t stop loving him even after that. I wanted to be his friend. I thought if I was a friend to him he’d really see me then. I called him over, and over, and over like that cartoon skunk that never gets any play, Pepe Le Pew. He stopped answering my calls, just stopped answering. For like two weeks I got the Heisman. After everything we went though he had the nerve (anger coming back) to ignore me. Really dude? (Anger is rising) He had no right to treat me this way. Stop!

Ladies this is what happens when you give boys the control over your heart. They will screw you over. Trust me. Every boy I’ve tried to make a man has screwed me over. I wish I could use another word but this is the ‘Good Girl Chronicles’.

Anyway, in an act of desperation I reached out to his sister. I was genuinely worried. Maybe he was Datelined, lost at sea, or in the arms of the Ursula of a woman he loves. Either way I had to know. The next day instead of being flattered like I was when he did the SAME THING to me, he was mad. Who the ---STOP--- Stay classy. Really dude? Ok, I may be a good girl but that’s it the gloves are off. I wish I could write the ammo I threw at Lyric. I wish. I know on some level it had to cut him deep that Miss Goody two shoes was reading him so hard. Trust me when I say readers, this is the last time Lyric ever screws me over. This chick is done.

“I just don’t want you anymore. I never did want you that way,” he texted like a coward. He wasn’t even man enough to pick up the phone and say that crap to my face. Over three years of friendship, blurred lines, and love turned into this. Really dude? Ok, I see how you want to play now. I threw low blows, ones I wanted to maim his ego. I’m not sure if they connected, but it was off my chest. I wish I could say I was a bad ass bitch like Amber Rose or Angela Bassett in ‘Waiting to Exhale’ I wasn’t. When I was done I cried. It was really over.

But, something magical happened the very next day. A man I always crushed on and respected gave me a pep talk. He recommended a rap song by an artist I never heard of. The song was from Tory Lanez called 'Blow' and it helped me to see Lyric for who he really is so I’ll call the man who helped me, Troy. Troy was in my eyes by far the sexiest man in my high school. He was suave. He was cool before most chicks knew what a cool man was. He walked with silent confidence. He never needed to boast about his looks, his charms, or his amazing abs. But they were there. I can honestly say there are grown women with husbands that still fantasize about this man. Troy has it made in the looks department. What’s better than all of that Troy has an amazing heart. He does not wear it on his shelve, and he is careful who he lets in. I could take some notes.

Troy and I are friends. I told him about Lyric, I cried, beat myself up for being a fool about it, and cried so more.

“Lauren, we’re friends right?” Troy said.

“Yea Troy I’ve always considered you a friend.”

“Well what I’m about to tell you may shock you. I’ve always thought you were pretty. Always! You are special Lauren. Don’t waste your time on this clown,” he said. “I see you doing your thing. He will regret the day he messed you over.”

My mind started racing. When in the world did Troy become a love doctor? Did he get his degree after high school? Or is he some type of thug Dr. Phil? Either way Troy was speaking truth, and what he said blew my mind.

“I’ve been through this before, and my Dad told me not to lose myself," Troy continued.."When my girl left me my Dad reminded it me that in life, and love, it's all about you!"

‘Wow that’s right. It wasn’t about Lyric. This is my life, and this sexy woman wants a good man,’ "I thought.

I will fall in love again, but next time around, as Troy advised, I will be raising the bar. Troy wherever you are thank you for pouring into my spirit, and reminding I am beautifully and wonderfully made.

I had an ‘Aha’ moment after my talk with Troy. Lyric never loved me, and will never see the diamond I am. That’s ok. But, I will not be giving my heart to just anyone next time. No more of the days of falling in love super-fast.

How Troy ended the conversation was even better. He said,” Lauren, just do you. The right one will find you that’s our job as men.”

That is so true. Well loves this Lauren wants to live a little. I want to travel, see my friends, write, meet some celebrities and trade stories. I want to get paid for blogging, writing, and radio. I want to have a good time with my girlfriends, buy some sassy plus size clothes and flirt with bartenders. And, then maybe when I’m done doing all this living, the man I’ve been waiting for will find me. I really hope it works that way. Until then Lauren Hope plans to live not for some boy who never knew what he had. This time Lauren Hope plans to live for herself.

Love you, Love God More

P.S. Troy I’ll never forget that talk. What it meant to me, and what it will mean to me. Honest to goodness we’re friends for life. Call me anytime, any place, and I’ll do my best to make time for you. Proverbs says, “Irons sharpens iron so does one sharpen another.” I plan to be razor sharp and you’ll be part of the reason why.