I was going to write a blog about loving yourself this
Valentine’s Day. I am single, and I felt it was important for single ladies to
realize the holiday is not about excluding them. It is about love and love comes
in many forms. There is the love you have for your child, your family, your
lover, your friends, and there is the love of God. And all those loves are important.
IT’s on my heart to talk about my love of God, and my love for His son Jesus
Christ.
I’ll admit my faith has wavered throughout my life especially
during my twenties. Those were some tumultuous times. My mother got and beat
cancer. I lost my dear Aunt Doris. I fell in and out of love so many times I’m
not sure how my little heart survived. I almost lost my sister.
I became a television reporter, my dream for
so long. Even better I got to work for two amazing television stations WSET and
WAVY News 10. If you know me, you know WAVY was my ultimate dream. I forged new
friendships and I lost dear friendships. In the field, I saw the humanity in
people, their love, their care, their passion. Unfortunately I also saw the
ugliest of the world; dead bodies, murders, black families being torn apart,
tears, real pain, grief, and heartache. It’s no wonder my heart couldn’t take
it much longer. I just don’t think I’m wired for it, and that’s ok. Through all
of that even when I wasn’t shouting from the rooftops, God was always there.
P.S. I'm surrounded by strong, Godly women-- support them too --- here is one of their causes https://www.gofundme.com/e7nvkqn8
I’m here to tell you my God is so real. When my mom was
sick, He surrounded her with amazing women who took care of her. You know who
you are. Dawn Henderix thank you for being the rock I couldn’t be. When I lost
Aunt Doris, God brought her to me in dreams. We talked,cried, and laughed.
I awoke knowing she was ok, knowing God had prepared a place for her. When
my sister almost died, I was in the depths of my own pain. When I couldn’t
bare to see her hooked up to wires and tubes, my Father protected her. God I don’t deserve this love. I know I don’t and that makes it even more
beautiful. I am broken, and my God still loves me. How many men on earth can
say that? How many people can say, ‘You hurt me. You walked away. You betrayed
me, but I love you child?’ I’m willing to bet there aren’t many. That’s what my
father did for me, my whole life. Even when I disappointed Him, said mean
things, hurt people I loved, went the wrong way, my Father said, ‘Lauren, I
know you are better than this. I will wait for you to find me again.” Every time, every time he was there.
God carried me through the hardest year of my life. The year
I gave up on myself, and my dreams. He kept whispering to me, ‘I am with
you child.’ I am crying now thinking about it. There were so many days I wanted
to run away, escape, go off to some country place, and never be heard from
again. My God said, ‘I got you baby girl. You are more than a conqueror.’ For
so long I didn’t believe Him. One night,
when I was in a food coma, watching another episode of A&E’s Biography
sometime stirred in my heart. It hurt so bad. I turned off the television , and
wept.
“God, I’ve messed up so bad. I pushed my friends away. The
men I loved all left me. They’re all married, and happy. My dream didn’t work
out the way I wanted. I am overweight, miserable, and alone,” I whispered
through my tears. “I am all alone. It won’t ever get better than this, and it’s
all my fault.”
That hurts to even type. But my amazing Father held me that
night. He said, “Ok, are you finally ready to let all that hurt go?”
God was I ready? Most definitely! It was nearing the end of
another year, and I had spent mine on a downward spiral of despair. I simply didn’t want to spend more precious time
on those feelings. That night in the darkness, with nothing but God to hear my
cries, I started to let it all go. I realized I can’t get the past back. I can’t
undo the hurt I caused, I can’t make those men want to be with me, the friends who
loved me, really loved they would be there when I decided to get back up. I
could lose the weight, I could stand tall again if I wanted. I could be braver,
smarter, I could be a fighter. I could be a fighter for my own life. I could be a
warrior for God’s word. I could fall in love with the scripture and really get
to know my Heavenly Father. I could marvel at the parables I learned as a kid.
I could, and I can conqueror this.
That night changed so much in me. I am not the same Lauren
that fell off in 2015. I am stronger, I am braver, I am smarter, and I am
hungrier for this life. Through His word God has shown me, ‘All things are
possible to those who believe.’ With every inch of my fiber, I believe. I am grateful for the amazing
young man God brought into my life to help me understand scripture. He needs no
introduction, because it’s not about that. It’s about God’s love. This kid (he
is younger than me) told me to study the book of John, pray every night, read
as much of the Bible as I could. He essentially helped me fall in love with the
word in a way I never knew possible. It is my Daily bread. He listened to me cry out in pain when the
world wouldn’t embrace the new me. Thank you Father for any time I had with
this young man, for the fellowship, the laughs, the tears, and the renewed
belief that I am everything I am because of you Lord.
I am grateful to all the friends that did come back, some didn’t
and that still hurts me. It’s ok because I understand. Thank you to the amazing prayer warriors who
lit candles for me in my darkness, who listened to my pain, and comforted me.
Not enough money in the world could show you what that meant to me, it’s
priceless. God, thank you for my family. They saw me drowning
way before I knew it. They tried to help, but they couldn’t. It was only you
Father that knew the way to my heart. God as silly as this sounds, thank you for
letting me love Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson. I’ve read his book, and watched
countless interviews. I am convinced Dwayne is a man of God. He doesn’t always
say it. Or maybe God is using The Rock to show me how all things are indeed
possible. If you know Dwayne’s story then you know when he decided to start
wrestling he had seven dollars in his pocket. He had to call his Dad, and tell
him he had failed as a football player in the CFL. He was scared, and unsure.
What followed is an amazing journey if you ever get to read it. He trained with
his Dad, he worked low paying wrestling jobs. And, now he’s one of the highest
paid actors in Hollywood, all because he believed. It all started with just
seven dollars that’s why his production company is called 7 Buck Productions. Dwayne took a journey many
thought was typical, but no one thought he’d be the star he is today. Except
maybe God and Vince McMahon ( the man has an eye for talent) He let The Rock
introduce himself during a Royal Rumble, I mean that’s big time.
I end this love letter to God, by saying this: Isaiah 61:3
says, “God will give you beauty for your ashes.” How beautiful is that?
Everything torched, burned, dead thing in my life; God will give me beauty for.
Honestly I’m seeing it. I feel like I’ve been working my whole life for this
moment. I hope I never get off this high of loving God, and loving life. For
the first time ever, I’m able to just be a writer, and that’s always been my
dream. When I was a little girl, God would sit as I wrote silly stories about
my friends, real or imagined. When I was a teen God chuckled as I passed out my
own young adult soap operas starring my friends. Now as an adult, after heartache, defeat, and
sorrow God is letting me write again. I have so much on my heart I feel I could
burst most days. Even when I’m sad God brings me a lesson, a story, a chapter in my
one of my many books we have planned together. God always says, ‘Baby girl this
is your gift. This is your testimony, your way to give back to my world. Your
pain will show others I am real, I am alive, and I want them.” It is humbling
and scary when you hear God talk to you like that. But, now I feel like I have a
direct line to God, my Aunt Doris, and my great grandmother we affectionately
call , ‘Mother’, because she was everyone’s mother at one point. Thank you, Father for bestowing this gift on
me. Thank you for giving me the strength to finally pursue it.
I love you more than words can say. Happy Valentine’s Day!
May today, and every day be a chance to show your love.
Sincerely
Lil Mena
And I'm on Periscope planning a day to go LIVE and connect with all you.
How beautiful! Love you my dear. God is good!!!
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