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Thursday, May 19, 2016

A Love That Almost Broke Me:This is the Real Me


Part two of the love letter to the  man who wasted too much of my time. Part two of the love letter to the man who broke vows, smashed dreams, and broke hearts. Part two of the letter to the new me, a real woman, a conqueror, a woman who deserves real love. I am breaking free of you, and hoping my heart heals enough to know a Corinthians type of love. I hope am strong enough to let you go to be a Corinthians lover, a friend, a comforter, a person who holds no record of wrong doings....... I am not there yet but I am trying......


1 Corinthians 13:4-8New International Version (NIV)

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.

Lyric, you don’t get to say you didn’t love me. Why then did you call me repeatedly when I was in my valley of depression? Why were you worried when I had to go to the psych ward and then jokingly asked , “Are you bat shit crazy now?” Why did it hurt you when I couldn’t answer the phone? Why did it cut you deep when I turned to my ex Javi for comfort and not you? Why? Because that is real love. You did love me Lyric whether you want to admit it or not. You took a bold leap to call my own  mother to jolt some sense into me. It was the December God picked me up. It was then that I knew I had to come back to you. It was this December you forgave me, and said you wanted to move on. So no sir, you don’t get to say you didn’t love me. We knew real love. Whether you are man enough to claim it.

How I looked when you met me. 125 and slaying
So I will never defriend, never shut you out, ever! I want you to see me in all my glory. I want you to see a stronger, smarter, wiser, sexier, more confident woman. I want you miss what we had. I want you to know you fucked up when you lost Lauren Hope. You lost major when you let Lolo go. I could write a novel, cry tears to fill an ocean in attempt to tell you how much I loved you. I say that in the present because I do love you. I struggle with whether I am still in love with you.

 I call you, you don’t answer. I text you, no reply. I am reaching out to you and you have turned away. I hope it is because you have a found a new love, a new life, a new dream. I hope it is because you have shed the guilt of your past mistakes. I hope it is because you let that skinny adulteress bitch go. I hope it is because you know joy, love, happiness, the kind that God gives all His children that love him. I hope the best for you.


In my new life, I have met amazing men, men who have wined me, dined me, showed me things I didn’t know. A hot Colombian who kissed me so softly that the music stopped in a loud club. I dated a man with five degrees, a nice house, and a hot car. He looked at me like he wanted to devour me, worshiped the ground I walked on, and after moments of knowing me wanted to do all he could to make Lauren Hope marketable again. I have kissed and played with a few pretty, young things. They think I am exotic, a sweet good girl with a naughty side. They like that I laugh, and smile wide. They love the new shape of my body, and strut in my step. It turns them on just to be near me, or try to keep up with my pep. I am a phenomenal woman, phenomenally, yea, that's me.  
Me now, Size 16 and slaying so hard it hurts #fat&fabulous

My wholesome attitude and good ways tempt thuggish man. One night he shared his heart with me, and I told him, “I understand.” Together we shared one of the most intimate nights I could ever imagine. We talked about love, God, children, dreams, desires, not wanting to live, depression, and the beauty of recovery, the beauty of starting over. He was my love doctor and he never touched me. He told me to stand tall again to forget you and move on. He said you were no good and did not know the real me. I cried with him on the phone, I laid my soul bare, and the next day I arose a woman who didn’t care. A woman who no longer cared if you ever saw me for me, a woman who didn’t care if you ever came back, a woman who began to see you never deserved her anyway…..

 Then I met a hot Latin man in Richmond City Hall. He smiled at me, I smiled at him, and in that moment I felt seen again. I was bold, and fearless. I asked for his number. Two hours later he replied, “It’s me the cute guy…” I called him City Hall, it was our little secret, to cover the fire between us.  What followed were four weeks of cute texts, sweet dates, and passionate kisses. He reminded me that I was worthy of being someone’s missus. We both were bitter and heartbroken by people like you… too afraid to get emotionally close to someone new. I tried to be tender and slow with him till my life got too busy for yet another bitter man. I gave him his space, and I continued as the kids say to do me. Then just yesterday he texted me, realizing what he missed. People can change, that is part of my testimony. I adore City Hall for giving me my fire back, showing me I was sexy again, making me laugh, praising my hustle, and even though he’s been brokenhearted too that broken man. So this broken woman will give him a little time.
Two weeks after I met City Hall


 I love that he melted when I showed him the Sex and the City scene that makes me cry. It’s the one where Richard forces the sexually liberated Samantha to be intimate without sex. It is soft, delicate, sweet, tender just like we used to be. It is listening to that loud band in your tiny, New York apartment while you drank whiskey.  That intimacy is just like kissing you for the first time outside the Long Island airport after years of Skyping, Facetiming, phone calls, and texting. 



That intimacy I felt when you held my hand at the Farmer’s Market, showing the world I was your girl. It’s how you we slept in your bed snuggled up to each other, watching The Office for the millionth time. That intimacy is the way I felt like I could staying in that bed with you forever. That intimacy is when you told my mom over the phone, “Don’t worry I won’t break her heart.” That intimacy is the way you looked at me, the way you smiled at me, the way you touched me.

I am sorry kid you did love me, and I loved you. I won’t let your hurt, angry, fear, or whatever the fuck take those moments away from me. The past five years were not a mistake. We knew real love. So you go on now and live your life, pretend you didn’t know me. Cause I am living mine again…. I am going to go on a date with City Hall soon. I am going to move forward, I will give him a chance if it wants it, to love this new woman, and maybe together we will have a bad romance. So you see I am good, even though I am in tears. I am learning to shed you and all of our years. 

The Real Me -- Plus and Fabulous 

Moving on, gotta take control, 
Staying strong, but it's taking all
Can't go back, never go back, back, back 


Sincerely,
The Woman Who Loved You When No One Else Did

Lauren Hope AKA LOLO

LOVE YOU, LOVE GOD MORE PSALMS34:7 JEREMIAH 31:4 ISAISH 61:3 I WILL GIVE YOU BEAUTY FOR YOU ASHES--- I AM A WOMAN RISING FROM YOUR ASHES, YOU TAINTED LOVE, AND I AM DANCING IN THE BEAUTY THAT IS ME, THAT IS GOD'S LOVE AND GRACE. I AM MORE THAN CONQUEROR!



I AM THAT I AM – A WOMAN OF STRENGTH, BEAUTY, DESIRE, SOUL, PASSION…THIS PAGE CAN’T EVEN CONTAIN IT. I AM THAT I AM—THIS IS THE REAL ME.